


So Little Time

by SeraphStarshine



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Be safe friends, Character Death, Complete, Depression, Fluff and Smut, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Physical Abuse, Self-Harm, Sickfic, Suicide Attempt, This fic has a lot of triggers in it, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-31
Updated: 2015-09-07
Packaged: 2018-04-18 09:10:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 24
Words: 63,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4700372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeraphStarshine/pseuds/SeraphStarshine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Frank and Gerard were convinced that their love could overcome anything, including Frank's abusive father, not to mention Gerard's own deep seated insecurities, but something even worse is waiting to tear them apart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Troubled Thoughts And The Self Esteem To Match

Gerard was bored - _again_ , and his sketchbook didn't seem to be catching his attention lately, but he was still trying to produce something decent. His pencil scratched away at the previously unblemished paper, attempting to find a picture in the graphite that even his mind wasn't aware of yet. He always drew like this, with no idea what the end result would be. That was just the way his brain worked, and he couldn't change it, even if he wanted to.

Gerard let his thoughts wander as his pencil glided over the page, and he wasn't surprised when his sketch began to evolve into one of Frank. More than half of his drawings were either of, or relating to his boyfriend, but he couldn't help the fact that he was always on his mind.

But his hand was beginning to cramp, and even though Gerard loved drawing, it was quickly losing its appeal today, so he closed the book with a sharp snap, leaving the unfinished sketch for a later time.

The problem was what to do now; television didn't seem enticing, and Gerard wasn't hungry, and it was much too early in the afternoon to even consider falling asleep, so Gerard found himself wandering aimlessly around his too large house, straightening up random objects as he went.

Gerard briefly considered looking into getting a job, but he really didn't need the money - not with the generous trust fund Elena had left him when she had passed away, along with this house. Gerard didn't have any rent to worry about since Elena had paid off the mortgage when she had been living here, and he barely had to touch the interest his account accumulated to cover the utility and cable bill.

Thinking about Elena brought a sad smile to Gerard's face; he still missed her dearly, he always would, but his pain at her passing had softened into a dull ache, and he felt as if she was still with him in a way, watching over him from above as he lived out his life in the house she had once abided in.

Bringing his easily distracted mind back to the job idea, Gerard wondered if it would be a good experience for him or not. It would give him something to do at the very least, and extra money wasn't something he was going to turn away, but it would be hard to work once college started up again in the fall, and he didn't want his grades to suffer, so maybe it wasn't the best course of action after all.

Gerard knew he would be plenty busy as soon as school was back in session; his current boredom was just brought on by this never ending summer, and even though at first, the idea of unlimited free time had been a dream come true, Gerard had quickly realized that lazing around the house all day got old very fast. This was the first holiday Gerard had ever spent on his own, and even though it wasn't abysmal, it was a bit lonely most of the time.

It was different when Frank was around; Gerard could spend hours with him and never tire of his presence, but he wasn't here right now, and he wouldn't be coming over until later tonight, according to his last text.

Just when Gerard had finally slumped down on the couch and resigned himself to watching crap television now that he couldn't find anything else to clean up at the moment, a small knock resounded throughout the room. Gerard checked his phone, but he didn't have any new messages from Frank - he usually texted him before he headed over, but Gerard never had any other visitors.

"Who is it?" Gerard called out loudly, erring on the side of caution just in case burglars had started knocking on doors recently, and he hadn't received the memo.

"It's me," Frank's familiar voice carried through the walls, and Gerard grinned broadly as he quickly undid the lock separating him from his boyfriend.

Gerard's smile dropped off his face as soon as he took in Frank's appearance. His features were twisted up in that expression it always carried when he was trying not to cry, and he was favoring his left foot slightly.

"Oh sugar..." Gerard exhaled heavily, wrapping one arm around Frank's frail shoulders before leading him inside and sitting back down on the couch, this time with Frank firmly ensconced in his lap.

"I'm fine," Frank smiled up at Gerard, but it was forced, and they both knew it.

"I'm going to kill him one day...I swear," Gerard growled under his breath.

"It's okay baby - I'm almost eighteen. We only have to make it a few more months..." Frank sighed heavily, burying his face into Gerard's neck.

"Still...this is getting worse, not better, and I'm tired of him treating you like a punching bag."

Gerard was speaking about Frank's father of course; he was the picture perfect example of an abusive parent, and Gerard hated the fact that Frank had to live under the same roof as that asshole. He hadn't always been this way, but the further he fell into his alcohol addiction, the more he took out his irrational anger on Frank, and Gerard knew Frank just stood there and took it.

Frank had been showing up at Gerard's door with bruises and a broken self-esteem to match for years, and as time passed, the occurrences began to happen more often, all because Frank's father had discovered Frank's sexuality.

Frank had been so careful to keep the fact that he was gay hidden from his homophobic family. He had told Gerard he planned on coming out the second he turned eighteen, just before he walked out of their lives forever, but Gerard had fucked that all up.

He knew he shouldn't have been kissing Frank in his house, especially not when his father was home, but they had been hidden away in Frank's room, and the closed door had given them a semblance of privacy that made them both throw caution to the wind. When Gerard had arrived earlier, Frank's father had been passed out on the couch, so neither of them had expected to be interrupted.

But they had been - _of course_ they had, because life never seemed to work in their favor, and Frank's father had thrown open Frank's door for some reason or another, stupid thing didn't have a lock on it, and he had caught them together, even though Gerard had pulled away as quickly as possible.

Everything went to shit after that; Frank's father had started yelling and throwing his fists at both boys, screaming about how Gerard was a _faggot_ who was corrupting his son. Frank's mother had been woken up by the noise, but she just stood off to the side and watched her husband abuse her son without uttering a word.

Even though Gerard had tried to protect Frank the best he could, pleading for his father to beat the crap out of him instead, Gerard had been forcibly thrown out of their house, and he had never stopped feeling guilty for giving Frank's father another reason to despise Frank.

Gerard wanted nothing more than to take Frank away from his fucked up family and have him live in his house, but Frank was still underage, unfortunately. He would turn eighteen in October, but it was only June right now, and five months seemed like five years in Gerard's mind.

Gerard had brought up the idea of Frank moving in early despite all that, but Frank was terrified that his father would report Gerard to the cops, and he was probably right; Gerard was twenty, and their relationship was technically illegal until Frank came of consenting age - three years shouldn't mean so much, but in this case, it was the only thing keeping them separated.

"What are you thinking about love?" Frank asked quietly, and Gerard realized he had been silent for fuck knows how long.

"Just how much I wish you lived with me," Gerard replied, stroking his boyfriend's hair without consciously being aware of it as he spoke.

"I can't wait until that happens," Frank smiled up at Gerard.

"Then I can protect you like a proper boyfriend," Gerard mumbled under his breath.

"You are the best boyfriend anyone could ever ask for," Frank sighed happily, leaning into Gerard's touch gratefully.

Frank loved when Gerard played with his hair or massaged his head; he said it always relaxed him, and helped alleviate his constant headaches, which Gerard assumed were brought on by stress combined with his lack of sleep. Gerard could tell he was having one now by the way his eyes were pinched slightly and his nose crinkled whenever anyone spoke, so he kept up the motions of his hand until Frank began to relax against his chest.

Frank's breathing deepened as his head drooped slightly, and Gerard knew he was falling asleep, which was just fine with him; Frank didn't get nearly enough rest lately. Gerard rocked him back and forth gently, and it wasn't long before Frank was out completely, snoring softly in that adorable way of his.

Gerard loved watching Frank when he slept, he almost looked like an entirely different person. His permanent lines of worry that were always etched into his face slowly erased in his slumber, and he actually looked at peace, which was not an expression he ever carried during the day.

Frank was always fretting about something, whether it be his father, or his grades, or Gerard, and even though Gerard didn't blame him for it at all, he truly wished he could pull all of those disturbances from Frank's mind and shoulder his burdens for him.

Right now though, with Frank resting in Gerard's arms, everything was perfect - even though it really wasn't, at least Gerard would pretend for a little while, and he found himself drifting off with his head resting on top of Frank's dark hair.

\---------------------------------------------

Gerard awoke a few hours later with a crick in his neck and an aching back, but he didn't move to stretch out his sore muscles because he feared he would disturb Frank.

Finally, when his ass had fallen asleep and Gerard was becoming very uncomfortable, he shifted inch by inch until Frank was lying against the couch, instead of Gerard's chest. Much to Gerard's relief, Frank didn't stir at all, not even when Gerard procured a blanket from his bed and draped it over Frank's thin frame; he simply let out a soft sigh and buried his face into the cotton material.

As Gerard brushed back an errant strand of hair that had fallen across Frank's pale face, he was hit with a rush of love so strong, it almost brought him to his knees with the force of it. Frank was his entire world now, and even though he had never imagined falling so hard at such a young age, he wouldn't have it any other way.

Frank was just so special - _precious_ even, and Gerard would never stop being in awe of the fact that he existed, and that he actually loved Gerard back. After everything Frank had been through, he had still managed to open his heart to Gerard, and that was a privilege that Gerard would never take for granted.

The ringing of the doorbell snapped Gerard out of his musings, and he had a sinking feeling in his gut about who was on the other side. Gerard seriously debated ignoring the incessant sound, but if he was correct about who was paying him a visit, he knew that wouldn't deter them, and they would only end up making a scene if Gerard didn't acknowledge their presence, so Gerard had no choice but to open up the door and face the unwanted company.

The sight that greeted Gerard was indeed who he been expecting to see, but it still made his blood boil when he took in the disgusting human being that Frank was forced to call a father. He reeked of booze and cigarettes - as usual, and Gerard's nose scrunched up in distaste.

"I know you have my son _faggot_ , and I want him back," Frank's father spat at Gerard coldly. Sometimes Gerard loved the fact that Frank lived only a block away, but right now, he wished that wasn't the case; that way his father wouldn't have such easy access to his house.

"Frank will go home when he's ready, so leave him the fuck alone," Gerard hissed back, trying to keep his voice lowered so Frank wouldn't hear them.

"He's _my_ son, and he has to do what _I_ say, so are you going to move your fat ass - or do I have to make you?" Frank's father growled before shoving his shoulder against the door, throwing Gerard out of the way easily. Gerard should have been expecting him to do that, but he had been caught off guard by the insult - not that Frank's father didn't usually spew hateful words in his direction, but he had never used that particular one before, and Gerard had always been sensitive about his weight.

"Get the fuck out of my house!" Gerard yelled once he had shaken off his initial shock at the fact that Frank's father had just broken into his home, waking Frank up by accident in the process.

Even though he had just been jolted out of a deep slumber, Frank was instantly aware of his surroundings. He shrank back as far as the couch would allow him to go, wrapping the blanket around him as if it could protect him.

"Get up Frank - I told you not to hang out with this fag anymore, and I meant it." Frank's father glared at his trembling son impatiently.

"I -" Frank tried to speak, but he cringed instead, rubbing his temple gently.

"Leave - _now_ , before I call the cops on you for trespassing," Gerard seethed, placing himself in front of Frank so his father would have to get through him first if he decided to try anything.

"It's okay Gerard...I'll go with him," Frank whispered before standing up and walking around Gerard to his father's side, a meek expression plastered on his face.

"You don't have to leave Frank..." Gerard pleaded desperately, but he knew it was a lost cause. Frank never stood up to his father, and he wouldn't let Gerard do it for him either.

"Yes he does," Frank's father cut in, grabbing Frank's small wrist tightly in his meaty hand as he dragged him toward the still open door.

Suddenly, Frank's face contorted in an expression of pain, and he staggered on the spot, causing his father to halt for a moment in confusion. Gerard realized instantly that Frank was suffering from another migraine, but this one seemed exceptionally bad, he had never heard Frank whimper like this before, but of course - Frank's father didn't care. He continued to pull Frank along after him, even though his son's knees were buckling underneath him, and he could barely walk.

Gerard snapped then, he just couldn't handle seeing Frank treated like a disobedient animal instead of a person, so he threw himself at Frank's father, landing a decent punch on his thick jaw. This was the first time he had ever hit anyone before, and it _fucking_ hurt. His fingers burned and ached, and he definitely didn't want to repeat this experience any time soon.

It didn't seem to do much damage to Frank's father though, and Gerard immediately regretted his actions when he glimpsed the flash of pure hatred gleaming in his eyes.

Before Gerard could back away, Frank's father pulled his own punch. His fist collided into the left side of Gerard's face with a sickening crunch, throwing him to the ground where he hit his head against the nearby coffee table. Gerard wanted to get up - he _needed_ to, for Frank's sake, but his head was spinning wildly, and every time he attempted any movement, his vision blurred and his stomach roiled violently, and he was worried that he might pass out.

By the time Gerard had regained his senses and picked himself up off the floor, Frank was already gone, and he hadn't be able to do anything about it once again.

Gerard debated going after him, but he knew it would only make things worse for Frank in the end, and that was the last thing he wanted to do; he had already fucked up enough where Frank was involved.

Left with no other options, Gerard sat back down on the carpeted floor and cried softly into his hands. It just wasn't fair...Frank didn't deserve this, and Gerard was doing a terrible job of keeping him safe - it was a wonder Frank even put up with him.

Tears continued to pour down Gerard's cheeks until he was empty, but he still didn't feel any better, and he never would until Frank was safe and happy in his arms. Maybe one day, that would be his reality, but he wanted that fairytale ending _now_ , before Frank became even more broken, and Gerard shattered along with him.


	2. Sometimes Death Seems Better Than The Migraine In My Head

Frank lay on his bed with his eyes squeezed tightly shut, wishing that when he opened them, all of his problems would have magically disappeared, and he would be back with Gerard, with no hateful father hanging in between them, and everything would be perfect.

But even without his vision, Frank could still feel every ache and pain that was caused by his father's beating once he had allowed himself to be led home on reluctant feet. Frank had wanted to stay with Gerard, but he became paralyzed when he was faced with his angry father, and standing up to him only made it worse.

Frank knew the best thing to do was to just keep his mouth shut and take whatever his father was going to deal out to him that day, and Gerard had learned that lesson the hard way when he had attempted to fight back. Frank's heart clenched when he remembered the way his father had hit his boyfriend; it was even worse than receiving the punch himself, and he wished Gerard would just let him deal with this on his own.

He loved Gerard's protective nature though; he just hated the fact that it had gotten him hurt in the process. Frank was worried about his boyfriend, that blow had been brutal, and he had hit his head on the coffee table pretty hard, but at least he had been conscious when Frank left. He might have a concussion though, and Frank felt so guilty that Gerard had suffered because of Frank's disobedience.

Frank wanted to go check on him; his father had barricade the door so he couldn't get out that way, _"just in case he was tempted to run back to his faggot boyfriend"_ to use his father's words, but he hadn't even considered blocking the window. Frank's aching head was keeping him immobile for the time being though, and he didn't think he could move just yet, even if the room caught on fire.

Leaving the house right now was out of the question with this migraine, but Frank still needed to text Gerard to let him know he was all right. He would become frantic if Frank didn't message him soon, Frank knew that from experience.

But when Frank attempted to sit up to retrieve his phone, his temples felt as if they were splitting open, and the pain was so intense, Frank became paralyzed. Maybe if he stopped moving, the agony would cease long enough for him to retrieve the device.

Frank had no idea why he was suffering so much; his father hadn't even hit him in the head, but this ache was absolute torture, worse than any wound his father had ever dealt out to him multiplied by a thousand.

He had been having numerous migraines lately, and he knew he should be concerned about their frequency, not to mention the intense levels of pain he was experiencing, but he had bigger problems on his mind right now, and his next doctor's appointment wasn't until August for his yearly physical - maybe he would mention it to his physician then.

Lying back down on the bed carefully, Frank tried to take deep even breaths, but his discomfort only increased as time passed. Tears began to form behind Frank's closed eyelids, and he wasn't sure how much longer he was going to be able to stand this.

 _Fuck_ \- it hurt so badly; he needed this torture to end, but his migraine medicine was stored away in the bathroom, which meant he would have to beg his father to let him out of his room to get it. If his mother was home, he could probably convince her to retrieve it for him, but she was working late tonight.

Frank wished his mother was here right now - he _needed_ her, or Gerard preferably, but neither of them were available to him at the moment. Frank didn't feel the same bitter hatred toward his mother as he did his father; she wasn't really a bad parent besides her perchance to turn a blind eye to Frank's father's abusive nature, and he truly did love her - which he couldn't say anymore about his father, the one-time affection Frank had carried for the man had been knocked out of him a long time ago.

Frank knew he shouldn't let his father treat him the way he did, but it was so hard to find the courage to actually do something about it. He was aware that if he called the authorities, his father would most likely be arrested on the spot, but that would destroy Frank's mother; she still loved the asshole somehow, and Frank didn't want to hurt her. In five more months, it wouldn't matter anyway, and he would be free to run away with Gerard and start a new life - just the two of them.

Frank ached to hear Gerard's voice; he always managed to take the pain away, even if it was just for a little while, but when he groped blindly for his phone, the small movement wracked his entire body with another rush of fiery agony. It was as if his migraine was spreading down his spine, and all of his nerves had become over-sensitized and painful.

Giving up on any more attempts to reach the device that would connect him to Gerard, Frank tried to stay perfectly still, stifling small groans of pain as his head pulsed wildly.

It will pass...it always does, Frank told himself over and over again, hoping that if he repeated the phrase enough times, it would end up coming true.

\---------------------------------------------

Gerard paced his room impatiently, indecision plaguing his mind and threatening to drive him insane. Every few seconds, he glanced over at his all too silent phone that lay on his bedroom dresser. Frank should have called by now, or at least texted, he _always_ did, just to make sure Gerard knew he was okay - even though he _really_ wasn't.

Gerard's anxiety was spiking badly now; he felt so helpless and weak, and every minute that ticked by with still no word from Frank intensified the sensation.

Gerard was tempted to swing by Frank's house, just to make sure he was all right, but with his father there, that was too big of a risk to take, and Frank would end up paying the price if Gerard was seen.

Gerard kept telling himself that everything was fine, it had to be. Maybe Frank's father had taken his phone away as punishment; it was a likely scenario, even though it had only happened once before.

But what if that wasn't the case, what if Frank's father had gone too far this time and beaten him to the point of death? Frank could be hurt; lying on the ground in pain, bleeding, calling out for Gerard at this very moment, while Gerard was just sitting here doing nothing to help him.

Gerard's mind continued to assault him with worst case scenarios, and he knew he was rapidly spiraling out of control. He hated the way he let his dark thoughts consume him, but his brain was his own worst enemy, and it seemed hell bent on driving him insane.

Rushing to the kitchen, Gerard quickly swallowed his prescribed anxiety medication, drumming his fingers against the counter as he begged the drugs to take affect soon.

Once he had calmed down a bit, Gerard returned to his bedroom, sending Frank another text, just in case he hadn't heard his phone go off the first five times.

Another fifteen minutes passed with still no reply, and Gerard knew there was nothing else he could do - not tonight at least.

Tomorrow, he could go see Frank - fuck the consequences, and if Frank's father found them together, Gerard would do a better job of standing up to him this time, or maybe he would take it one step further. He could whisk Frank away and hide him somewhere his father would never find him, permanently fixing the problem for good, instead of just letting it happen.

Gerard delicately fingered the lump on his head from where he had hit the coffee table after being punched by Frank's father; it was sore and raised up from the rest of his scalp, but it was nothing compared to the contusions Frank received on a daily basis.

Gerard didn't want Frank to have to suffer from his father's abuse ever again; no one deserved to be treated that way, but especially not _Frank_.

Tomorrow, Gerard would save him, and if Frank's father threatened to call the cops on them because of their age difference, he would just turn the tables on him and report him to CPS, which is something Frank should have done a long time ago, but he had convinced Gerard to drop the topic every time it was brought up.

Gerard knew it would be hard to convince Frank to leave, but he was confident in his abilities that he could do it. After last night, Frank had to see that they couldn't wait five more months to remove himself from his father's hurtful presence; he might not even survive that long, and Gerard would be damned if he just sat by and watched while Frank went home every night to that monster he called a father.

Gerard had been doing that for long enough, and it had to end. He had tried his best to respect Frank's wishes, but Frank's father was only getting worse, not better, and Gerard had to step in and do something.

He could sell this house, even though it would pain him to lose his last physical connection to Elena, it would be worth it to keep Frank safe. They could move away - not _too_ far, they both still had school to consider after all, but somewhere that Frank's father wouldn't be able to reach them. Frank would understand when Gerard explained it all to him - he _had_ to.

With a plan in mind, Gerard somehow managed to drift off to sleep, and he dreamed about how perfect his and Frank's lives would be when they could finally be together without Frank's toxic family ruining everything.


	3. All The Things You Can Fit Inside A Memory

Gerard found himself walking down a gloomy street at eight o' clock in the morning, which was much earlier than he ever left his house, much less woke up if he had a choice, but his worry over Frank's condition had prevented him from sleeping in, and the fact that he still hadn't received a message from Frank had inspired him to actually get up and go check on him instead of waiting any longer.

The rain drizzled down from the overcast sky lazily; it wasn't a true downpour, more of an irritating mist than anything else, and that, coupled with the dark skies, made for an oppressive atmosphere that had Gerard quickening his pace, eager to get inside and out of the elements. Gerard pulled his coat tighter around his shivering body, trying to keep out the seeping cold brought on by his wet state.

He wasn't going to let it bother him though, because he had decided to follow through on his plan from last night, and as long as Frank was willing, this would be the day he finally saved him from the sad excuse of a life he had been forced to endure for so long. Just the thought of taking Frank out of his father's house for the final time lightened Gerard's steps, and the rain no longer bothered him as much.

Gerard's only worry was that Frank would refuse, but Gerard was determined to stand his ground this time. He understood that Frank was scared, and that he would be nervous about his father finding him again, but Gerard was going to do everything in his power to make sure that didn't happen.

As he continued walking, Gerard reminisced back to the time when things had been so much easier; when Bob, Ray, and Mikey had still been here, and they had all worked together to make sure that Frank was safe.

Frank had been the baby of their small circle of friends, and they were very overprotective of him. Ray, Bob, and Gerard were all in the same grade, with Mikey the year below them, and Frank one year under Mikey. Mikey had been the one to introduce Frank to Gerard, and he had instantly become an integral part of their friend group, but he was even more than that to Gerard.

It hadn't exactly been love at first sight, but Gerard had felt an instant attraction for Frank. Something about Frank drew Gerard to him, and he had never been so interested in another person before. He had been friends with Ray and Bob since kindergarten, and Mikey was his brother, but besides them, he mostly avoided other people, but not Frank - _never_ Frank.

Frank was just _special_ for some reason, Gerard couldn't even begin to explain it, but that didn't change the fact that it was true. Gerard wanted to know everything about him; from his favorite food, to what he wanted to do when he grew up, to what he was thinking about when his eyes got that faraway look in them.

His fascination with Frank quickly evolved into adoration, but Gerard would never tell Frank that in a million years, because he had Frank's friendship, and that was more than he could ever except to gain from this beautiful boy, so he wasn't going to push his luck any farther.

And Gerard really was an idiot, or blind, probably both actually, because it took him years to notice that Frank looked at him with the same love-struck look Gerard graced him with so often, and he truly though that all of Frank's dropped hints were simply him being nice, and had nothing to do the fact that he was also harboring romantic feelings toward Gerard.

For ages, they claimed to be only best friends, albeit friends that flirted shamelessly with each other, and were a bit too handsy most of the time, but only _friends_ \- nothing more.

As time passed, they became inseparable, and if you found Gerard, it was a safe bet to assume that Frank was in the nearby vicinity. Gerard told Frank things he had never told anyone before - not even Mikey, and eventually, Frank opened up to him as well.

Frank didn't speak about his problems at home for ages, but finally, he spilled everything to Gerard late one night when he couldn't think of an excuse for his busted lip that he hadn't already used a million times before. The truth came out in between sobs and shaky gasps for air, but as soon as Gerard understood what had happened, he cursed himself for not catching on to the obvious signs that had been staring him in the face for years.

He made Frank sleep over at his place that night, and he spent the entire time comforting his distraught friend, stroking his hair and promising that he would find a way to protect him. The fact that Frank trusted him enough to tell him such a heavy secret had brought them even closer together, and even though the idea of anyone laying a hand on Frank broke Gerard's heart, he was honored that Frank had told him.

It wasn't long after Frank's confession that Gerard finally found the guts to tell Frank about his _"crush"_ , although by this point he was basically head over heels for the boy, and even with how close the two had grown to each other, it had still taken Mikey threatening to tell Frank himself if Gerard didn't man up and let him know how he felt.

Gerard did it himself in the end, even though he had stammered so much he was honestly surprised that Frank managed to understand him. Frank's response was better than he could ever have hoped for, and when he admitted with a shy giggle that he had been hiding his own feelings for Gerard since day one, Gerard didn't think he could ever be happier than he was in that moment.

He was wrong though, because not long after that came the day that Frank told Gerard that he loved him, and that blew away Gerard's previous happiness scale entirely, because he was pretty sure he was going to spontaneously combust from the joy he was feeling at Frank's words. Gerard hadn't even been able to speak, so he ended up cutting Frank off with a passionate kiss instead.

It was the most amazing thing that had ever happened to Gerard, because he truly didn't believe that he was worthy of love, especially not from someone as perfect as Frank. Gerard struggled with his own issues, even though they were brought on by his fucked up mind, and not an abusive parent. He suffered from depression and anxiety, but ever since he had found Frank, they had been much easier to deal with, even though he still had his bad days.

Frank made everything better - even school, and at the time, the only cloud darkening his perfect world was Frank's father, but back then, he hadn't been nearly as bad, and sometimes even Frank seemed to forget about him for a little while.

Gerard eventually convinced Frank to tell their friends about his situation with his father, because they were beginning to suspect something was wrong anyway, and after much pleading from his boyfriend, Frank finally gave in.

Once his secret was out, they all worked together to make sure that Frank would spend as little time at home as possible. Frank stayed at one of their houses almost every night, and Gerard could visibly see him changing now that he was out from under his father's foot.

Everything had been perfect, until that fateful day that Frank's father had demanded he come home for a bit, even though why he had done that was still a mystery; by the time they made it back to the house, he had been passed out drunk on the couch.

Gerard had volunteered to go with Frank to make sure that nothing happened, but he shouldn't have offered, because that was the day that Frank's father had caught them kissing in Frank's room, and after Gerard had been forcibly thrown out of his house, he hadn't seen Frank for two weeks after that.

He wasn't at school, he wouldn't answer his phone - _nothing_ , it was as if Frank had disappeared off the face of the earth. Gerard had nearly broken at that point, and if it wasn't for his friends, he might have done something really stupid. He couldn't function without Frank in his life, and he was too scared to call the cops in fear of upsetting Frank, but he shouldn't have hesitated, and he still regretted not taking action sooner.

Gerard knew he shouldn't blame himself for what happened, especially not after all these years. He was still terrified of Frank's father at the time, and this was the first instance of his abuse that he had witnessed with his own eyes, so he panicked instead of thinking logically, but he would always feel like a failure because of his lack of action.

Bob was the one who finally came through for Frank, breaking into his house when his dad's car was no longer in the driveway and rescuing Frank, after which they took him straight to the hospital; he was barely conscious when Bob found him, and they had been terrified that they had waited too long to save him.

Frank was a fucking _mess_ , one of his arms was broken, and he was unhealthily thin. When Gerard finally got him to speak, he informed them that his father had basically been starving him, and his mother was gone on a two week business trip, so she hadn't been able to help him. He lied to the nurses of course, saying he fell down the stairs, and the idiots believed him.

Gerard was drowning in guilt; not only had he been the reason that Frank's father had discovered that he was gay, but he had left his boyfriend there for two weeks, all because he couldn't get his head together and actually do something productive to save him. He had never imagined it would be this bad, but he should have known, and Frank had suffered so much all because Gerard was too pathetic and scared to make one _fucking_ phone call.

He didn't actually voice his thoughts though, because Frank had been through enough, and the last thing he needed right now was to hear Gerard whine about his own failings, so he buried them as deep down as he could, because it didn't matter anymore - _right?_ Frank was okay, and he wasn't angry with him, and that should be enough to erase Gerard's self-hatred, but it really wasn't.

Things got better after that though. Once Frank had healed, he agreed to live with Mikey and Gerard, and the Way parents didn't mind at all. They adored Frank like he was their third child, and most of the neighborhood had an idea of what went on behind closed doors in the Iero house, so they were more than happy to take Frank in for as long as he wanted.

Frank had changed though, but Gerard seemed to be the only person who really noticed. He had lost some of that spark that made him _Frank_ , and he spoke much less frequently now. Frank pretended like everything was okay, and he acted mostly normal, but Gerard caught the way Frank flinched away from him ever so slightly, and whenever he tried to get Frank to talk to him about what had happened, all he received in answer was an _"I'm fine"_.

Gerard knew Frank's ordeal had scarred him physically as well as mentally, and he was trying to be understanding and helpful, but he wanted his old Frank back, and he would do anything to help Frank heal from the wounds that were continuing to plague him.

Gerard wasn't quite sure how to go about that though, because he was hurting as well, and he couldn't turn to Frank for help - not with this. Gerard had broken his promise to Frank; he hadn't protected him, and he was so terrified of failing again, because Frank might not seem like he was upset with him, but Gerard was convinced that he was just hiding his anger, and that was why Frank wouldn't open up to him anymore.

Gerard had been at a loss for what to do, and he had been trying to resign himself to being a fuck-up in this too, but then one night, Gerard walked into his room to find Frank sobbing softly into his pillow, and it was as if the ice Frank had placed around his fragile heart had melted away, and he had finally let Gerard back in, clutching to his t-shirt weakly as he admitted how terrified he was, even now that he was safe, and how much he needed Gerard to be there for him.

That was the first night they ever had sex, and as cheesy as it sounds, Gerard truly believed that they _made love_ instead of just fucked. The simple act had rebuilt all of the broken bridges in their relationship, and afterwards, they had stayed up for hours, talking about everything and nothing just like old times.

Their lives were perfect again for a few short months; Frank began to come alive again in the Way household, and Gerard's love for him grew with every passing day, but it didn't last, of course it didn't.

Frank's father found him eventually; no one was sure exactly how, but the fact remained that he showed up at their doorstep one day in relative clean clothes with a sheepish expression on his face. Gerard had been ready to spit on his shoes and tell him to fuck off, but Frank had placed a soothing hand on his arm and drawn him back into the house so he and his father could talk alone on the front porch.

Gerard listened through the keyhole though - _of course_ he did, and he was shocked to hear Frank's father apologizing, stating that he was trying to get clean, and both he and Frank's mother missed him and wanted him to come home. Gerard was even more surprised when Frank agreed, ignoring all of Gerard's desperate pleadings for him to stay here where he was safe.

Frank had insisted that he had to give his family one last chance, and he couldn't stay with them much longer anyway since the Ways were planning on moving to New York soon because Donald had received a better job offer. Gerard hadn't even though of the implications of the move, he had stupidly assumed that Frank would come with them, but that was impossible of course, Gerard just hadn't wanted to think about that.

And even though Frank didn't actually say he was breaking up with Gerard, it sure as hell felt like he was, and watching him pack up his belongings with a stony expression on his face ripped Gerard's heart into millions of tiny pieces.

_"It's better this way Gerard, and they are my family," Frank sighed out when Gerard begged once again for Frank to change his mind._

_"Please don't leave me Frankie," Gerard whimpered quietly._

_"I'm not leaving you Gee, and I still love you. I just have to do this - okay?"_

So that was how Gerard found himself standing in his driveway as tears poured down his face, watching helplessly as Frank walked away from him without a backward glance.

Gerard hoped Frank's father would keep his word, and according to Frank's messages, he had so far, but Gerard knew better than to believe it would last forever, and he had been right in the end, even though he wished he wasn't.

That was when Gerard realized he was going to have to work to keep Frank in his life, and that this wasn't going to be easy for either of them, but Gerard was willing to fight for Frank, and he was going to prove it.

Gerard started with tearing up his acceptance letter to the college in New York he had been so ecstatic about attending; instead, applying to Belleville State so he could still take classes while living at home.

Next, he informed his parents that he wasn't going with them, and they had been surprisingly understanding. He had the house Elena had left to him, and he was legally an adult now, so there wasn't much they could do to stop him either way.

Gerard didn't know it, but they had been expecting this ever since the subject of the move had first come up, because they saw the way he looked at Frank, and they knew there was no way Gerard would leave him behind without causing a fuss, and as much as they would miss their son, they only wanted him to be happy, and Frank did that for him.

The more he thought about it, the more Gerard realized he had to stay in Belleville, because Frank would have no one if he left. Ray and Bob were leaving for college in California in the fall, and with Mikey moving with his parents to New York, Frank would be all alone if Gerard left as well, and he was an idiot for not coming to this conclusion sooner, but it was better late than never.

Frank thought for sure that Gerard was going to abandon him, which is why he had left Gerard's home when he did. Never in his wildest dreams had he imagined that Gerard would actually stay in this shithole town for him, and he had always thought it was just a matter of time before Gerard left him for something better, so he simply made the pain of losing him easier by doing it himself, even though it still hurt, more than he ever imagined it would.

Gerard and Frank still kept in contact, texting back and forth a bit mostly, but with school out for the summer, and Frank back in his father's home, they hadn't seen each other in weeks, and Frank didn't have the courage to face Gerard after he had left him. Gerard's tortured eyes as he walked out his door still haunted his dreams, and Frank was convinced that Gerard was slowly getting over him, and he was trying his best to do the same thing, with abysmal results.

Gerard proved him wrong though, and for the first time in ages, Gerard finally felt like a proper boyfriend when he showed up at Frank's door - making sure his father was out first of course - clutching his gift for Frank tightly in his sweaty palm.

_"Gerard?" Frank gasped out when he caught sight of the one person he had been so desperate to see, but now that he was here, it seemed like a hallucination._

_"Yeah - it's me," Gerard grinned nervously._

_"I - I thought..." Frank couldn't even finish his sentence, because his head was spinning, and he really couldn't believe that Gerard was actually standing in front of him after he had been trying so hard to forget about him._

_"I know, and I'm sorry. I just didn't want to come over until I made sure I had everything in order."_

_"What do you mean?" Frank stammered out._

_"I'm staying Frank, I have everything worked out, and I'm not going to leave you okay? Not now - not ever." Gerard held up his hand, exposing his palm, but more importantly, the small silver ring he had purchased earlier that day._

_"Gerard..." Frank whimpered quietly, his body swaying slightly from the powerful surge of emotions flowing through his bloodstream._

_"It's a promise ring, just so you know I'm serious. I love you - so much, and you can't scare me off."_

Frank had stopped trying to push Gerard away after that, and even though everything wasn't perfect, it was getting there, and hopefully after today, they would be one step closer to their happy ending.

Gerard's flashbacks were interrupted when his feet stopped in front of a small, plain white house - _Frank's_ house.


	4. You Can Run Away With Me Anytime You Want

Gerard stood there staring at Frank's door for a few moments, trying to recall the last time he had actually used that entrance instead of Frank's window, which was hidden around back. It had been _ages_ ; in fact, it was probably the very day Frank's father had caught them kissing in his room.

When Gerard really thought about it, it was sort of ridiculous that he was terrified to even knock on Frank's front door, and in a perfect world, it wouldn't be that way.

But this wasn't a fairy tale land, and Gerard knew that all too well, but for a short time, he wished that they could at least be seen together without constantly looking over their shoulder for Frank's father.

Gerard wondered what it would be like if Frank had a normal, supportive family, who actually loved him, and welcomed Gerard into their home with open arms. Frank deserved that, and even though Gerard's family had tried to provide Frank with what his own parents couldn't, they were gone now too, and Frank was left with nothing expect for pain from his father and ignorance from his mother.

That was going to change though, and Gerard would make sure of it. Frank would have a proper life with him, including holidays spent with his family, and Gerard would do everything in his power to make sure that Frank got all of the experiences he had missed out on for so long.

Shaking his head to clear it, Gerard quickly strode away, just in case Frank's father happened to look outside for some reason or another, even though it was much too early for him to be awake; he usually slept off his hangover late into the afternoon.

Unlocking the gate which led into Frank's backyard, Gerard snuck around the side of the house, making sure to keep his footsteps light just in case someone did happen to be up and about at this hour.

Once he reached the window, he peered in with eager eyes, desperate for a glimpse of Frank, even though he had just seen him yesterday, it had still been too long in Gerard's opinion.

Frank lay fast asleep on his bed, still wearing the same clothes from last night, and he looked relatively unscathed. At the moment, he was curled into a ball, and Gerard couldn't help the small smile that stretched across his face as he watched Frank's chest rise and fall gently with every breath he took.

Frank looked so beautiful when he slept, like a fallen angel, and Gerard found himself reluctant to wake him, but he had to hear his voice; he wanted to look into his gorgeous eyes and be reassured that everything was going to be okay, because Frank always had the power to do that for him, even though it should be Gerard comforting Frank, and not the other way around, but Gerard needed Frank more than he would ever admit.

Gerard knocked softly on the window pane, but Frank didn't stir at all, and on closer inspection, Gerard noticed that the latch had been left unlocked, so he opened it silently before pulling himself up the small distance and into Frank's room.

Frank still hadn't moved, and Gerard couldn't resist the temptation to snuggle up in bed with him, so he did just that, wrapping his arms around Frank's small frame before pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. Frank's eyes scrunched up at the unexpected contact, and Gerard knew he was finally starting to wake up.

"Good morning sugar," Gerard whispered, keeping his voice low so he wouldn't alert Frank's parents to his presence.

"Go away..." Frank mumbled sleepily, trying to bury his face back in the pillow to block out the morning light that was starting to break through the dark cloud cover.

"But it's time to wake up," Gerard cooed in a teasing voice, earning himself a playful swat on the shoulder from Frank, but he did open his eyes, even if it was only to glare at his boyfriend in mock annoyance.

"Hey baby," Frank smiled before a yawn cut off the rest of his words, and Gerard couldn't get over how adorable Frank looked in that moment. Frank burrowed himself even deeper into Gerard's arms and attempted to fall back asleep, but Gerard wasn't going to let him.

"Please wake up Frankie?" Gerard begged, putting on his best puppy dog eyes, but Frank failed to notice because he currently had his face buried against Gerard's chest.

Feeling a bit devious, Gerard began to tickle Frank lightly, and it wasn't long before Frank snapped his eyes open again and sat up in an attempt to avoid Gerard's relentless hands.

"Fuck you Gee. I'm awake - _happy?_ " Frank crossed his arms and tried to look stern, but Gerard didn't miss the way his lips twitched as if he was holding back a grin.

"Yes I am," Gerard giggled quietly, holding his arms out in invitation, and Frank gladly responded, snuggling up against his boyfriend's chest with a soft sigh of contentment.

Gerard leaned down and captured Frank's lips in a loving kiss, humming softly to himself as Frank clutched tightly to him as their lips moved together in perfect unison.

"I could get used to waking up this way," Frank grinned once he and Gerard finally broke apart.

"So could I - _actually_ , that's sort of what I wanted to talk to you about."

"What do you mean?" Frank questioned curiously as he reluctantly pulled away from Gerard so he could change out of his day old clothes now that he knew he wasn't going to get the chance to fall back asleep any time soon.

"I want to take you out of here. I'm not going to let your father hurt you any longer, and I know you are going to give me a thousand reasons why it's a stupid idea, but I have everything worked out, and I'm just asking you to trust me," Gerard pleaded in a low tone of voice, watching as Frank paused with his shirt halfway over his head so he could give his boyfriend his full attention.

"Baby...I can't leave, you know that. He will find me, he _always_ does..." Frank shuddered softly before returning to his search for clean clothes.

"I know, but I promise I won't let him get you this time. I'm going to sell my house, and we can get a nice little apartment somewhere on the other side of town. I can choose classes that won't coincide with your school schedule so I can always pick you up and drop you off, and it will all work out perfectly. He will have no idea where you are, and you will be eighteen soon, so even if he did take me to court, you would be legal before anything could happen."

"Gee, you can't sell your house - it was Elena's. I would never ask you to do that for me," Frank argued back, but Gerard wasn't giving up this time.

"Frankie, you know I would do anything for you, and in the end, it's just a building, and Elena would want me to be happy, and I am never happier than I am when I'm with you."

"Gee..." Frank whispered softly, and Gerard could tell from the look on his face that he was seriously considering his offer.

"I don't want you to be here anymore sugar. I get so scared, and if something were to happen to you again, I don't know what I would do," Gerard admitted quietly, wringing his hands together in his lap as he awaited Frank's answer.

"Okay - let's get out of here," Frank agreed in a shaky tone of voice.

Gerard tried to hold back his sigh of relief, but he couldn't stop it from escaping his lips. He had been terrified that Frank would be too scared to take this plunge with Gerard, but Frank had more courage than anyone Gerard knew, and even though he could tell that he was still afraid, he was finally leaving his family behind, and Gerard was so proud of him in this moment.

"I won't fuck up this time Frank."

"Don't say that Gee, you never fuck anything up, and I trust you. I wouldn't be running away with you if I didn't." Frank pulled Gerard in for a quick hug before digging under his bed for a bag to put some things in.

"I love you baby," Gee smiled as he watched Frank dart around his room, trying to decide what to take with him.

"I love you too, _fuck_ \- I really do. This is crazy, I can't believe I'm actually going to get to live with you. It almost seems too good to be true."

"I know, I kind of feel the same way. Do you need some help packing?" Gerard asked, because he wanted to be gone sooner rather than later so they could avoid any confrontations with Frank's father.

"No, but I want to take my guitar and amp, and I don't know if I can carry this all in one go. We might have to make two trips." Frank frowned as he glanced over at his beloved instrument, but Gerard already had an answer to that problem.

"I'll just go get my car really quick, we can pile it all up in there so we won't have to lug it down the street."

"That's perfect. I should be finished packing by the time you get back." Frank's voice came out muffled since he was half buried in his closet, trying to pick through his massive pile of clothes for what he actually wanted to bring with him.

"Don't worry about anything that isn't super important Frankie. I can take you shopping for clothes and all that stuff later on." Just the thought of going out with Frank to buy him things for their place had a broad grin stretching across Gerard's face.

"Yeah, okay - I just need to make sure I get everything that means something to me, because my dad is probably going to wreck my room when he finds out I am gone," Frank spoke causally, but Gerard flinched at his light tone. At least it would just be Frank's possessions getting destroyed this time, and not Frank himself.

"I'm just going to go get the car okay? I'll be right back." Gerard waited until Frank lifted his head and nodded in acknowledgement before jumping out the window and striding down the street back toward his house at a brisk pace. He probably should have brought his car with him the first time, but he hadn't really been sure if Frank would agree to this or not, and Gerard preferred walking over driving for the most part.

As he hurried home, Gerard had to constantly look down to make sure his feet were touching the pavement, because it sure as hell felt like he was floating. His heart was bursting with happiness, and it didn't seem completely impossible for him to soar into the sky, not with how light and relieved he was feeling now that he knew Frank was finally going to be safe.

Gerard still had a lot of work to do to make sure Frank continued to be protected; he hadn't even put his house on the market yet, but he hadn't wanted to start the process of selling it until he was one hundred percent sure that Frank was willing to do this. He wasn't lying when he said he would do anything for Frank, but Gerard didn't want to give up Elena's home only for Frank to back out on him at the last minute, but Gerard didn't think that was going to happen this time.

Gerard could still barely believe that Frank had agreed to come live with him, and he hadn't even needed that much prodding, which had come as a surprise. Gerard had been prepared for Frank's to dig his heels in, but his easy acceptance made Gerard wonder how much worse things had been getting at home, and how many beatings Frank had been hiding from him in order to spare his feelings.

It didn't matter now though, because Gerard was taking him away, and this time, he wouldn't let his father drag him back, no matter what happened.


	5. I'd Rather Feel Pain Than Nothing At All

Frank scurried around his room in a frenzy of excitement, trying to make sure he didn't leave anything important behind, because he really didn't want to have to return to this hated house ever again.

As Frank threw everything he had collected into the large duffle bag he had found under his bed, he couldn't help but smile to himself as he realized that this was the last night he would spend alone in his room, wishing for Gerard's soft arms instead of the empty sheets he was forced to lie in.

No longer would he have to flinch in fear every time he heard footsteps approaching his door, or sneak into the kitchen as quietly as possible for a snack, hoping not to wake his volatile father. That was all behind him now, and Frank felt slightly stupid for not letting Gerard take him away earlier.

It wasn't like his boyfriend hadn't tried to convince him to leave hundreds of times, but Frank had always been terrified by the idea, and not necessarily of his father finding him, but of Gerard getting tired of him and changing his mind.

Not that Gerard ever gave any signs that he would do that to Frank, but it still worried him. To this day, Frank couldn't understand what Gerard saw in him; he was just a scrawny punk kid that let his father use him as a punching bag, while Gerard was _gorgeous_ , not to mention an aspiring artist, and he could find someone much better suited for him that was closer to his age, but he _hadn't_.

Ever since Gerard had graduated from high school, Frank had been waiting for him to leave; not that Frank wanted him to, _actually_ \- even thinking about it made Frank want to curl up in a ball and cry for years, but that's what happened to high school romances. They were fun while it lasted, but then they were over, and Frank was convinced that in a few years, he would be nothing but another memory to Gerard.

Gerard seemed determined to prove him wrong though, and Frank was finally starting to believe that he was in it for the long haul. It was sort of hard to doubt him after he had stayed in New Jersey just for Frank, even though he could be in New York right now attending the art school of his dreams.

It was the promise ring that had finally broken through Frank's stubbornness though. Frank had never in his wildest imaginings ever thought that anyone would ever buy him a ring, and even though it wasn't an actual engagement ring - they were both much too young for that anyway, it basically meant the same thing to Frank, and he never took it off.

Because he did want to spend the rest of his life with Gerard, and he knew it was stupid to say that - he wasn't even eighteen yet, but he couldn't ever see himself feeling this way about another person, and he didn't want to.

Gerard was his _everything_ ; his rock, his shoulder to cry on, the person who would always cheer him up when nothing else could even make him crack a smile. Frank was pretty sure he would be insane right now if it wasn't for Gerard, and he was finally going to stop doubting him and take a leap of faith.

Frank had never voiced his secret fears to his boyfriend, because he knew Gerard would take it as if he had done something wrong, even though that was the farthest thing from the truth. Gerard wouldn't understand why Frank felt this way, and he would blame himself, and Frank refused to let that happen.

Frank just couldn't comprehend how someone as perfect as Gerard could possibly love him, especially when his own parents didn't even manage to provide him with a smidge of affection, but Gerard had proved time and time again that he wasn't going to give up on Frank, and it was idiotic of Frank to continue to put him off just because he was afraid of something that might never come to pass.

And Gerard was right; Frank couldn't stand living with his father for one more day, and even if the worst happened, and Gerard did end up breaking things off eventually, there was no way he would force Frank to return here, he could never be so cruel. Knowing Gerard, he would probably make sure Frank had a job and enough money for his own place before asking him to move out.

Frank shook his head to clear his thoughts, because he was done entertaining the idea that Gerard was going to leave him. He wanted to enjoy this moment, because any second now, Gerard was going to return, and Frank would leave this house full of bad memories without a backward glance.

Peering around his room one last time to make sure he hadn't missed anything vital, Frank stacked the things he was taking with him on the bed before doubling back to pick up his beloved guitar.

But when Frank leaned over to open the beaten up guitar case resting on the floor, his head exploded in an unexpected rush of pain, and he was forced to freeze in his hunched over position for the time being.

His migraines had never been like this before; usually, they stared out as a dull ache before escalating into the kind of agony that prevented him from moving, but this had hit him like a freight train, knocking the breath out of his body and leaving him shaky and weak.

This was even worse than the one last night, and Frank couldn't move, couldn't see, he could barely draw a breath, much less call for help.

Instead of ebbing like Frank had hoped, the pain only intensified, causing his knees to wobble before his legs gave out on him entirely, and he collapsed onto the carpeted floor with a soft cry.

As wave after wave of burning agony pulsed thought Frank's head, he clutched his temples tightly with both hands, trying to use the pressure of his palms to stop his skull from splitting in half, even though that probably wasn't what was happening, but it sure as hell felt that way.

"Gerard!" Frank tried to scream, but it came out in more of a weak whimper instead, and even that small attempt at speech caused his head to throb wildly.

Gerard didn't come though, he had only left a few minutes ago, and Frank was left to writhe helplessly on the unforgiving ground as tears poured down his face.

Frank needed to get up and reach his phone, but movement was impossible right now, and he could only pray that Gerard came back quickly, because Frank couldn't stand this agony for much longer.

It was just too much; an intense, never ending, overwhelming sensation that put all of Frank's past migraines to shame.

Frank's stomach was roiling violently, and even though he tried to hold it back, he found himself retching painfully, vomiting up the small amount of food he had eaten last night onto the already dirty carpet.

When he was finished, Frank tried to roll away from his own sick, because the smell was making him nauseous again, but he still couldn't move, and his eyesight was beginning to fade now; the edges getting fuzzy for some reason he couldn't explain.

But when his head became too heavy for his neck to support, and his hands dropped from his head to fall limply at his side, Frank finally realized that he was losing consciousness, and even though he tried to fight it as hard as he could, the blackness swallowed him whole, and he felt as if his body was sinking through the floor and into a bottomless void.

Frank's last coherent thought was of Gerard, and then everything went blank when Frank surrendered to the tempting darkness, grateful for a respite from the pain.

\---------------------------------------------

Gerard retrieved his keys from the ring hanging in the front hallway before heading back outside and getting into his old black Chevy, a ridiculously large grin plastered on his face the entire time.

He spent a few minutes finding a decent song on the radio before pulling out of the driveway and turning the wheel in the direction of Frank's house, trying to keep his excitement contained so he could concentrate on driving.

Frank's house was only a block away, but Gerard chose to park a couple of houses down, just to be safe. The sun was up now, which meant Frank's mother might be awake, and even though she seemed like a decent woman - ignoring the fact that she let Frank's father beat him - Gerard didn't know how she would react if she saw Frank piling all of his things into Gerard's car.

Locking the doors and pocketing his keys, Gerard returned to Frank's house with a bounce in his steps, ecstatic to finally be taking Frank away from this awful place forever.

Gerard approached the window stealthily, expecting to see Frank waiting beside it, but when Gerard glanced into his room, he was met with a scene from his worst nightmares, and his previous happiness drained out of him like water through a sieve.

Frank was lying limply on the floor in front of his guitar stand, vomit staining the ground next to him, and he didn't move, even when Gerard gasped loudly in shock.

Gerard threw himself across the sill with a dexterity that he didn't know he possessed before scooping Frank up into his arms, checking with shaking hands to make sure that Frank was still breathing.

He was - _thank god_ , but it was shallow and weak, and Gerard had no idea what had put him in such a state. It couldn't have been his father, he could hear him snoring on the couch from here, and Frank wasn't bearing any obvious bruises, but Frank wouldn't wake up, no matter how hard Gerard tried to rouse him.

Frank was so pale, he almost looked ghostly, and Gerard had to place his palm against Frank's chest, needing to feel his heartbeat against his skin, and it was there, fluttering softly like a caged bird in distress.

Gathering Frank into his arms as gently as he could, Gerard eased them both out the window before striding back toward his car, trying his best not to jostle Frank needlessly.

Struggling a bit with his keys and Frank's limp body, Gerard finally got the door open, laying Frank across the backseat tenderly. He made sure to turn him onto his side, just in case he threw up again, that way he wouldn't be at risk of choking on his own vomit.

Gerard knew he should call an ambulance, but if it arrived this close to Frank's house, his family might come out to see what all the commotion was about, and he couldn't let them see Frank with him, that would drive his father into a frenzy. The hospital wasn't that far away, and Gerard could drive him there in less than ten minutes, but he wasn't sure what was wrong with Frank, and he didn't know if he had that much time.

Checking his pulse again, Gerard breathed a sigh of relief when it seemed less erratic than before, even his breathing had evened out slightly, and it almost looked like he was simply sleeping.

Making a rash decision that he hoped he wouldn't regret later, Gerard rushed back to Frank's house and began moving his things from the room into his car, taking as much as he could in one trip so he could save time.

He knew Frank needed medical attention, but if he didn't take his possessions with him now, they might never get another chance to come back here without Frank's father being on the lookout for them, and Gerard didn't want to leave anything Frank cared about behind.

Finally, there was only one backpack and Frank's guitar left to take, the amp was already stowed safety in the trunk of his car, and Gerard didn't see anything else that looked important. Gerard had checked up on Frank every time he had returned to his vehicle, and he seemed to be doing better, but he still hadn't awoken.

Leaning down to place the guitar in its case, Gerard noticed a crumbled up piece of paper and a pen resting in the felt lining.

Acting on impulse, Gerard smoothed it out, grateful to see that it was blank besides a few doodles, so he scratched out a hasty note, which he left on the bed for whoever would happen to find it.

_Don't bother looking for Frank_

_He's safe now_

_Please - just let him be happy_

Hopefully Frank's mother would be the first one to search Frank's room, but even if his father did stumble across it, Gerard felt like he had to leave some sort of explanation, even though Frank's parents didn't deserve one.

Grabbing the last of Frank's things, Gerard bolted back to his car for the final time, placing the guitar and the backpack in the passenger seat before he climbed in and started the engine as fast as his numb hands would let him.

Now that the initial shock of the situation had worn off, Gerard was beginning to panic, and it took all the mental willpower he possessed not to break down crying.

He couldn't lose control though - not _now_. He needed to be strong for Frank, and whatever this was, they could get through it, but only if Gerard kept driving and pulled himself together.

He glanced in the review mirror often, but there was no change with Frank; he didn't even stir once, and worry was beginning to gnaw at Gerard's stomach like a rabid animal.

"Hang in there Frankie..." Gerard murmured to himself, wiping away the few tears that had managed to escape as he drove faster than he ever had before towards the looming hospital in the distance.

After what seemed like hours, but was probably only ten minutes, a sign for hospital parking appeared on the side of the road, and Gerard hastily left his car in the first open spot he could find in the crowded lot, not even bothering to lock the vehicle as he scooped Frank up and rushed inside.

Shouldering the large glass doors open as quickly as he could, Gerard clutched Frank to his chest as he glanced around rapidly for a nurse. He didn't know what part of the hospital he was in, and he didn't see a desk or sign in area anywhere near by, so he had no idea which direction to head in.

As he walked aimlessly in the hopes of running into one of the doctors, Gerard kept glancing down at Frank fearfully. He felt so light in his arms, it was as if Gerard was holding air, and even though his color was slowly returning to normal, Gerard was still terrified.

Finally, Gerard caught sight of a mousy haired nurse walking down the adjacent hallway, and Gerard flagged her down urgently.

"What happened," the nurse asked in a crisp tone of voice, getting straight to the point, for which Gerard was very thankful.

"I don't know, I only left him for a few minutes, and then I found him in his room...he - he won't wake up, and I -," Gerard could barely speak through the fear clogging his throat, but what he had managed to babble out seemed good enough for the nurse.

"Bring him this way," she commanded, pointing toward a row of empty stretchers which lined the walls like silent sentinels, gesturing for Gerard to place Frank on one.

"I am going to take him to get some tests done, but you will have to stay in the waiting room for now. I will send someone to fetch you when he can have visitors," she informed Gerard when he attempted to follow her as he began pushing Frank down the stark white hallway.

"No - I need to stay with him, _please?_ " Gerard begged, but the nurse ignored him, and Gerard couldn't seem to force his legs to chase after her, they had locked up now that he had stopped moving, and Frank had already disappeared from his view by this point.

So instead of making a scene, Gerard sunk down against the wall, finally giving in to the tears that had been threatening to overwhelm him ever since he had found Frank.

Gerard wasn't sure how much time had passed before another nurse found him and gently dragged him into the waiting room, but he couldn't be bothered to check his phone to find out.

The new nurse helped Gerard sign Frank in at the front desk before showing him to the waiting room, hovering over him for a few moments, constantly asking if he was okay until she was called away by another doctor, but Gerard barely noticed her absence.

Gerard couldn't stop shivering when the realization that he was in a hospital finally sank in. He had almost managed to forget how much he detested them, but now the nervous fear was filling him up, and he was finding it hard to breathe.

The last time Gerard had been in a hospital was when Elena had died, and that memory was not one he wanted in his head, not when Frank was now trapped within these walls as well.

Burying his head in his hands as if blocking the view of this place could make it all go away, Gerard tried his best not to give into his fears, and just focus on Frank instead.

Frank needed him, and Gerard couldn't leave while Frank was still here, no matter how scared he was, so he forced himself to bury his terror and wait until he finally got an answer about what was happening with his boyfriend.


	6. You're Nightmares Might Seem Like They're Your Reality

Gerard had no idea where he was, or how he had ended up here, but it seemed as if he was floating in a world of hazy darkness. He was standing on something; he couldn't catch a glimpse of it because of the murky atmosphere, but he was too afraid to move, just in case his next step would cause him to plummet downward into an unseen chasm.

The air felt heavy, _ominous_ almost, and Gerard was afraid without truly knowing the reason for his terror. That didn't change the way he was feeling, no matter how hard he tried to convince himself that everything would be fine if he just stayed calm.

That wasn't the worst thing though - _no_ , it was the fact that he was completely alone that had Gerard's knees shaking and a cold sweat breaking out on his skin.

Gerard tried to scream for help, even though it would probably accomplish nothing, but his throat had closed up, and he couldn't force any sound to escape his lips.

Suddenly, whatever Gerard was standing on began to move, and he was hurtled forward against his will, heading toward an unknown destination with no way to stop himself.

As Gerard traveled through this mysterious place, he began to catch sight of other figures trapped here with him, and even though he tried to grab their attention by waving his arms, they all ignored him.

Most of the people he glimpsed were strangers, but as Gerard's forward motion continued, he began to see people he knew and loved; his grandmother, Mikey, Ray, Bob, each of them not paying Gerard any mind as he passed them by.

"Hey! What is going on?" Gerard finally found his voice, but it was too late, all the familiar faces of his friends and family had already disappeared into the mist.

" _Please_ \- don't leave me..." Gerard whimpered softy.

Suddenly, the fog clogging the air began to clear, but before Gerard could properly observe his surroundings, the platform he had been standing on tipped sideways, causing Gerard to lose his footing with a startled cry.

Gerard didn't fall for very long before he landed on another section of invisible floor with a painful thump, but he emerged relatively unhurt except for a few bruises that is.

Shaking his head groggily, Gerard heaved himself back to a standing position, and the first thing he noticed once he was upright again was Frank's small figure hanging in front of him.

Frank was suspended in midair, dangling on hidden strings like some sick version of a human puppet. His eyes were closed, and from his limp posture, he appeared to be unconscious.

Gerard rushed to his side as quickly as he could, no longer afraid of tumbling through the floor if he made a misstep; Frank had erased all of his previous concerns entirely.

Just before Gerard reached his boyfriend, whatever had been holding him up was cut abruptly, and he collapsed onto the floor in a tangle of limbs.

Dropping to his knees, Gerard gathered Frank into his arms, brushing his hair back from his eyes gently as he held him close.

"Frankie..." Gerard whispered, trying to get some sort of response out him, but he remained silent.

"Help us - _please!_ " Gerard called out loudly, but no one answered, and Gerard was beginning to panic.

Just when Gerard didn't think their situation could get any worse, Frank began to fade away, his body dissolving into thin air in his arms as Gerard watched helplessly.

No matter how tightly Gerard clutched to him, Frank continued to turn even more translucent, and it wasn't long before he was gone completely.

Gerard didn't know what had happened, but his heart ached as if it had been pierced with a blade, and somehow he was certain that Frank was never coming back.

A harsh sob ripped its way out of Gerard's chest, followed by a wave of tears that he was powerless to stop. Once again, he was left alone, with only the darkness and his pain for company.

"Sir," a distant voice interrupted Gerard's emotional agony, but when he lifted his head, he didn't see anyone in the nearby vicinity.

"Hello?" Gerard called out, twisting his neck around in an attempt to try and find whoever had spoken, desperate for someone to end his solitary suffering.

"Sir - please wake up," the same voice reached his ears again, this time with an exasperated tone to it, and that was when Gerard realized that this was all a dream, and as soon as that fact sunk in, he awoke with a start.

"Sorry...'m awake," Gerard mumbled groggily, prying his eyes open to view a red haired female nurse shaking his shoulder gently. Gerard was surprised that he had managed to drift off given how wired he had been earlier, but all the stress of this morning's events must have tired him out more than he thought.

"You came in with Frank Iero, correct?" she asked as soon as Gerard had heaved himself into a sitting position.

"Yes, I did - is he okay?" The last dredges of sleep fell away from Gerard as soon as he heard Frank's name, but he still remembered his dream, and fictional or not, the implications of it had made him frantic to see Frank again.

"We have his test results back from the lab, and his doctor is waiting to discuss them with you."

"Thank you," Gerard exhaled loudly, relief flooding his body when he realized that he wouldn't have to wait any longer to find out what was wrong with Frank. The dream had unsettled Gerard, and he wouldn't be able to shake off its effects until he saw Frank with his own eyes.

"Come this way," the nurse beckoned for Gerard to follow her down another white hallway that looked identical to the one he had been in when the first nurse had found him.

It wasn't long before the nurse stopped outside of a door labeled 212, telling Gerard to wait inside until the doctor arrived before leaving him alone.

Gerard pushed open the door with shaky hands, revealing a set of white walls and two white beds, complete with white sheets to match, and Gerard was reminded of how much he despised that color.

Gerard shuddered to himself as he stepped further inside, trying to stamp down on his rising panic. Gerard hated hospitals; everything just smelled wrong, even though it was all so clean. No amount of sweet spray could cover up the sickly stench of this place, and Gerard found himself wondering how many people had died in this very room.

Needing to focus on something else - _anything_ really, Gerard glanced around rapidly, and it was only then that he noticed that he wasn't alone. One of the beds was empty, but the other was obscured by a hanging curtain, and Gerard hadn't seen the dark head of hair peeking out from under the sheets until he had stepped away from the doorway.

It was Frank - _his_ Frank, and even though Gerard knew it would be, he almost collapsed in the chair next to his boyfriend as a wave of relief rushed through his body.

Frank was sleeping peacefully, and Gerard didn't want to wake him, so he settled for observing him instead. His color was healthily again, and his breathing seemed even and controlled. The hand that was visible was hooked up to numerous machines, and Gerard cringed when he caught sight of the IV sticking out of his arm, but it was helping Frank, which was something he needed to keep repeating to himself so his fear didn't get the best of him.

Just then, a man entered the room, and Gerard had to assume that this was the doctor. His hairline was receding slightly, and his light blue eyes were covered by wire rim glasses, which he pushed up his nose as he stared down at the clipboard he held in his weathered hands. Gerard felt a friendly vibe emanating from him, and his previous fears were forgotten for the moment.

"Family of Frank Iero?" the doctor asked as he eyed Gerard up and down curiously.

"Uh - sort of, I am his boyfriend." Gerard shifted nervously, hoping that the doctor wouldn't withhold any information from him since he wasn't actually related to Frank.

"Oh...well do you have any contact information for his parents? They will want to hear this."

"He lives with me now...his parents, _well_ , they won't come," Gerard whispered softly. Frank's mother might actually care about whatever was happening to Frank, but he couldn't risk telling her that he was in the hospital; she would be sure to tell his father, and that was the last thing Frank needed right now.

"Oh - well then, I assume you are willing to accept full responsibility for his health care?" The doctor made a few notes on his clipboard as he spoke, a worried expression twisting his kind features.

"Yes, of course," Gerard answered rapidly.

"And your name is...?"

"Gerard Way." Gerard tried to wait patiently as the doctor continued to move his pen across the page, but he couldn't stop himself from pressing him for more information. "I'm sorry, but what is actually wrong with Frank? He was fine this morning, and then he just collapsed..."

"Well, we ran some MRI's and CAT scans on him, and when we pulled up his old medical files, we discovered that he had a history of bad migraines, but his last physical exam was almost a year ago. We did discover the cause of his head pains, but - there isn't an easy way to say this Mr. Way..." the doctor trailed off, placing his clipboard on the edge of Frank's bed before wringing his hands together uneasily.

" _Please_ , just tell me, I need to know," Gerard begged, even though he honestly didn't want to hear whatever the doctor had to say, because it was obviously nothing good.

"He - he has a very large tumor growing on the left side of his brain. Normally, I would operate and remove it before it could do any more damage, but it has been neglected for much too long to risk that sort of procedure. If I even tried to cut through his skull, the pressure on his brain would kill him instantly..." the doctor explained in a sorrowful tone of voice, but Gerard still didn't understand, the full import of his words hadn't sunk in yet.

"What does that mean?" Gerard asked hesitantly.

"The tumor will eventually grow so large that it will move his brain on its own, and sadly, I think that is going to happen sooner rather than later. I have relieved the pressure on his brain as much as possible by removing some of the fluid around the tumor through a syringe, but that is only a temporary fix."

"There has to be a way to help him though... _right?_ " Gerard pressed, his voice wobbling as he spoke.

"Usually, I would recommend chemotherapy treatments to shrink the tumor, but in this case, the growth is so massive, I don't think it will be enough, and Frank mostly likely would not survive the procedure. It is up to you what to do, but I would personally only bring him back for relief of the tension if his headaches get too painful. Judging by his condition, I am giving him approximately four weeks to live, and even if we started chemo today, it wouldn't have enough time to truly do any good," the doctor sighed, sending Gerard a sympathetic look.

Gerard slumped against the plastic chair he was seated in, trying to hold himself together long enough to ask a few more questions, but he was quickly losing that battle.

"So that's it..." Gerard muttered quietly, more to himself than the doctor, but he still received an answer.

"I am so sorry Mr. Way, but all we can do now is to try to make him as comfortable as possible. I have seen miracles happen before, so my estimate might be off by a few weeks, but it doesn't look good for him."

"Can I have a minute to myself?" Gerard choked out as a few tears slipped down his cheeks.

"Of course, I need to go check on my other patients right now, but I will send a nurse in here to give you some more information in a little while." The doctor laid a gentle hand on Gerard's trembling shoulder before leaving the room, shutting the door silently behind him.

As soon as Gerard was alone, he lost control of his emotions, and he surrendered to the wracking sobs that seemed to be physically ripping him apart. This was the last thing he had expected when he had brought Frank in here today, and even though he had been trying to brace himself for the worst possible scenario, this had never factored into any situation he had managed to think of.

 _Fuck_ \- this hurt, and Gerard felt like he was the one that was dying, instead of Frank. It was as if he had swallowed shards of glass, and each intake of breath caused spikes of fiery agony to erupt inside of him.

This couldn't be happening, none of this was real, but when Gerard looked up, he was met with the sight of Frank's frail body encased in the hospital bed, which ruined his attempts at pretending that this was all just another terrible nightmare.

Curling inward on himself, Gerard continued to cry brokenly, clutching Frank's limp hand as if it was the only thing holding him together right now, because in all reality, it _truly_ was.


	7. Every Monitor Beep Keeps The Time As I Count Down The Hours

Gerard sat next to Frank's slumbering form, gently stroking his hair as he waited for him to finally wake up, and even though his ass was going numb because of the uncomfortable plastic chair that was the only furniture in the room they provided for visitors, Gerard had no intentions of moving anytime soon.

After Gerard had cried himself out earlier, a nurse had come to Frank's room and explained more about his condition, and what Gerard should expect to happen over the next few weeks.

Frank's tumor was on the left side of his brain, which meant that over time, Frank would lose coordination on the right side of his body, but that wasn't the worst thing. Frank could also go blind before the end, and the nurse had advised that he be kept under constant watch because of this.

Gerard had assured her that he would be with Frank the entire time; _honestly_ , he didn't plan on letting him out of his sight ever again, and if Frank made it through the summer, Gerard would simply postpone going back to school, he could afford to take a semester off, especially if it meant he got more time with Frank.

Gerard's heart twisted painfully every time he considered the fact that Frank wouldn't be a part of his life very much longer, but he tried to ignore it. Falling apart wasn't going to change anything, so Gerard had shoved away his emotions the best that he could, and even though his limbs still felt heavy, and his chest ached, he had stopped crying at least, so that was _something_.

As soon as Frank awakened, Gerard was allowed to take him back home for now, but they would have to return once a week to drain the fluid from around the tumor in the hopes of buying Frank just a little more time. The nurse had suggested Frank staying in the hospital for longer, but Gerard wanted Frank's remaining days to be the best he had ever had, and that would never happen if he was stuck in this place.

Gerard hadn't wanted to accept that this was the end, and that there was nothing else he could do for Frank besides be there for him, but the nurse had stomped on his last hope for a miracle, emphasizing over and over again that there was literally nothing they could do now that the tumor had grown so large, and if they attempted anything, it would only kill Frank that much quicker.

And even though her words mirrored the doctor's almost exactly, hearing it a second time had made the reality of Frank's situation truly sink in, and even just mentally repeating them caused Gerard to cringe as if they were causing him physical agony, which they might as well be. No external injury could hurt as much as losing Frank, and Gerard would gladly subject himself to endless amounts of torture if it meant that Frank would be spared.

But it wouldn't, _nothing_ would save Frank now, and even though Gerard knew he needed to come to grips with that, how was he supposed to continue on with life as normal when the best thing in it was going to be taken away from him?

Nothing would ever be okay again if - _when_ \- Frank died, but Gerard couldn't think about that right now. Frank was still here for the moment, and Gerard was determined to make the most of every second they had left, even if he was dying inside along with Frank.

A tear escaped past Gerard's defenses, and he was surprised when he felt the cool wetness upon his face once more. He had been convinced that he had cried himself empty earlier, but it hadn't taken long for his body to start producing tears again, and before Gerard could stop himself, he was sobbing quietly for the second time today.

The hopelessness of this situation was just too much for Gerard to handle, and he was so scared, and overwhelmed, and alone right now. Gerard wanted someone to come and comfort him, but his parents were in New York, and even though he knew he would have to call them with the news about Frank's condition sooner rather than later, he wasn't mentally prepared to tell anyone about this yet, it would just make Frank's eminent demise even more real in his mind.

Twisted among the sorrow that Gerard felt like he was drowning in at the thought of Frank's death was a tendril of guilt, because Gerard had been aware of Frank's headaches for ages, and he had never once taken Frank to the doctor to get him checked out, but it truly hadn't crossed his mind that they could be the symptoms of anything this serious.

Gerard should have known though, he should have done something back when Frank first started to complain of constant migraines. Maybe he could have saved Frank, and this entire tragedy could have been avoided entirely, but once again, Gerard had fucked up, and Frank was paying the price for his mistake.

"Gerard?" Frank's familiar voice cut through Gerard's self-loathing, and his head shot up so fast he felt his neck twinge in protest, but that was the last thing he was worried about right now.

Frank was awake now, his eyes half open as they peered blearily at Gerard, and even draped in a hospital gown that was much to big for him with sleep still clogging his features, Gerard couldn't get over how beautiful his boyfriend looked.

This just wasn't fair; Frank deserved to live a full life, but because of the cruel hand fate had dealt him, he wouldn't even get to see another year, and someone like Frank deserved all the time in the world - not _this_ , anything but this.

"Yeah Frankie - I'm here," Gerard answered rapidly, his voice scratchy and hoarse from his never ending sobs.

"What's wrong baby?" Frank pushed himself up on the mattress as his face twisted into an expression of concern when he caught sight of Gerard's tear stained cheeks.

"I - uh..." Gerard stumbled over his words while trying to wipe away the evidence of his sorrow with his sleeve. Gerard didn't know how to tell Frank that he was dying; he had been so concerned with his own emotions that he hadn't even considered how he was going to break the news to Frank, and now he was beginning to panic slightly.

"Gee...where am I?" Frank changed the subject when it became obvious that Gerard wasn't ready to speak about whatever was causing him so much distress, glancing around the white room with a confused expression painted across his features.

"You - um...you are in the hospital Frank," Gerard stammered out, still trying to pull himself together so he could tell Frank about his recent diagnosis.

" _Fuck_ \- are you okay Gee? I know how much you hate these places."

Frank's genuine distress for Gerard was what finally broke down the last wall that had been containing his unruly emotions, and Gerard couldn't hold himself together any longer. Frank was dying, and even if he didn't know it, his first concern was Gerard and his stupid fears, when instead he should be worrying about himself.

Sobbing bitterly once again, Gerard tried to curl inward as if that would hide his unruly tears from Frank, but Frank wasn't letting Gerard close up on him. Sitting up higher in the bed, Frank wrapped his arms around Gerard's trembling form, whispering soothing words as he rubbed small circles against Gerard's back.

"Baby... _please_ \- you need to tell me what's wrong," Frank pleaded, but Gerard simply shook his head no as he continued to weep softly.

Instead of prying any further, Frank simply pressed a chaste kiss to Gerard's cheek, and that minute touch managed to calm Gerard down slightly. Turning his head, Gerard attached his lips to Frank's, leaning in slightly to deepen the tiny peck into something more.

Gerard lost himself in the kiss, focusing on the cool metal of Frank's lip ring, and the way their mouths moved against each other's in perfect sync. When Frank gasped slightly, Gerard took the opportunity to slip his tongue into Frank's mouth, and even though a hospital room probably wasn't the best place to have an impromptu make out session, Gerard was past the point of caring.

He needed to be closer to Frank, he had to remind himself that he was still here - still _breathing_ \- at least for the moment, and the intoxicating feeling of kissing Frank erased everything else for the time being, so he wasn't going to stop.

Finally, Gerard pulled away when his lungs began to burn for air, resting his forehead against Frank's as they both panted heavily, their breathing the only sound in the room besides the steady beeping of Frank's heart monitor.

"You okay now love?" Frank asked tentatively, his hand still running against Gerard's spine in a way that had Gerard relaxing under his fingers.

Gerard realized that Frank probably thought he just had an anxiety attack from being in the hospital, and he had no idea of the real reason why Gerard was so upset, but either way, his actions had still done wonders for Gerard's fragile emotional state, and for the first time in hours, he didn't feel like he would shatter if he so much as tried to move.

"I'm better now, thanks to you, but how are you feeling?" Gerard answered truthfully, and he even managed to produce a weak smile to convince Frank of the fact.

"I think I'm okay, but how did I end up here? The last thing I remember was being in my room, and then - I think I had another headache, but everything else is blank." Frank furrowed his nose in concentration as he tried to recall the events of this morning, and Gerard knew he had to tell him now before he ended up breaking down again.

"You did have a migraine. I found you passed out when I came back for you, so I took you to the hospital. I couldn't get you to wake up, and I was so scared..." Gerard trailed off when his voice began to shake, and he had to take a moment to compose himself before continuing.

"Oh fuck - that has never happened before, but I'm okay now... _right?_ " Frank asked warily, touching his head gently as if to make sure it was still properly attached.

"Frank...you - you have..." Gerard stumbled over his words, desperately trying to just spit out the knowledge that Frank was dying, but he wasn't ready to see his face fall when he received the news, and he would give anything to not have to be the one to tell him this.

"Gee..." Frank pressed when Gerard remained silently for over a minute, and Gerard knew it was now or never.

"The doctor found a tumor on your brain, and it's _big_ \- inoperable actually, which means that you are dying," Gerard spat out quickly, hoping that this would be like ripping off a band-aid, and it would only hurt for a second, but of course, it wasn't _anything_ like that.

Frank didn't say anything at first, and Gerard knew he was trying to process this just like he himself had struggled with not too long ago. His expression changed slowly from one of shock to dejection, and it hurt so much to see Frank this way.

"What?" Frank finally managed to ask quietly.

"The doctor said it will keep growing, and when it gets large enough, it will move your brain, and if they try to take it out, that will kill you instantly."

"I don't know what to think," Frank mumbled quietly, and Gerard empathized with him all too well.

"I'm sorry Frank...I don't either, and I want to tell you that everything will be okay, but it won't...and I - _fuck_ \- I'm so sorry." Gerard didn't know what to say to make this any easier to bear; if he did, he would have repeated it to himself one hundred times over by now, but seeing Frank looking so lost was breaking his heart all over again, so he had to try something, and apologizing seemed as good a place to start as any, because Gerard still felt like this was all partially his fault.

"How long do I have?" Frank questioned wearily.

"Maybe a month," Gerard answered, using all of his strength to hold back another wave of tears.

" _Fuck_..." Frank sighed out brokenly, slumping back against the bed as if all of his previous vitality had been drained out of him.

"Frankie..." Gerard whimpered softly, vacating his seat to join Frank on the bed, and even though Frank didn't say a word, he scooted over to make room for Gerard's larger frame.

Burying his face in Frank's shoulder, Gerard clutched to him tightly, trying to provide him some form of comfort with his embrace, because he knew his words would do nothing right now.

And as Frank began to cry softly against Gerard's chest, Gerard squeezed his own eyes shut as his tears joined Frank's, gathering him even closer to his body as if that would keep Frank safe from the horrible fate that was waiting for him right around the corner.


	8. Take Me To Memories We Won't Erase

As soon as Frank had signed all the necessary paperwork so he could be officially released from the hospital, Gerard helped him change back into his clothes before escorting him out to the car, keeping a tight hold on his hand the entire time.

The drive back to Gerard's house passed in silence; Gerard didn't even turn the radio up like he usually would because he was worried about disturbing his boyfriend. Frank hadn't spoken a word since he entered the vehicle, and he was currently staring out the window with a lost expression on his face.

Gerard assumed that Frank was mulling over his condition, and even though he had taken it well, all things considered, Gerard couldn't begin to imagine how Frank was feeling. Gerard wasn't even the one who had been given a death sentence, and he was terrified, and confused, and borderline nauseous, so Frank must be experiencing the same sensations intensified a thousand fold.

It wasn't long before Gerard pulled his aging Chevy into the driveway of his house, twisting the keys out of the ignition with a soft sigh. When he glanced in Frank's direction, he still hadn't moved, and Gerard wasn't even sure if Frank realized they had arrived or not.

Gerard exited the vehicle and quickly strode around so he could open Frank's door for him. When Frank noticed Gerard's presence, he shook his head blearily and graced Gerard with a soft smile as he unbuckled his seat belt with shaking hands.

Gerard didn't give Frank a chance to get to his feet; instead, he scooped him up in his arms, carrying him to the door bridal style as Frank giggled softly against his chest. Gerard struggled for a moment when they came to the front door, it was difficult to get the key in the lock while he was holding Frank, but he refused to put him down, and he finally succeed in getting the door open after a few failed attempts.

Once they were inside, Gerard headed for the couch, dropping down onto it with Frank still in his arms. Frank didn't try to move away, and Gerard really wasn't ready to let him go just yet, so they stayed in their slightly awkward position for the time being.

They sat there quietly for a little while, just enjoying each other's presence without any words getting in the way, but it wasn't long before Frank's soft sniffling broke the comfortable silence.

"Baby?" Gerard asked, trying to catch a glimpse of Frank's expression, but he had his face currently buried against Gerard's t-shirt, and Gerard could feel it growing damp with Frank's tears.

Within a matter of minutes, Frank was full out bawling against Gerard's chest, and none of Gerard's soothing whispers or gestures seemed to be helping him calm down at all.

"I'm _scared_ ," Frank heaved out in-between his sobs. Gerard tightened his hold around Frank when he felt a tremor wrack his small frame as he continued to cry softly.

"I know...I am too," Gerard exhaled heavily, cursing his inability to comfort Frank when he needed him most, but he just had no idea what he could possibly say to make this situation better.

Frank didn't respond right away, and just when Gerard was beginning to get worried by his lack of speech, Frank pushed himself up off the couch, his lips seeking Gerard's with a feverish urgency.

Gerard returned his kiss just as eagerly, and the sparks that were generated at their union took Gerard's breath away. This was unlike any kiss Gerard had ever experienced before; all of their worries, and hopes, and fears were expressed in the movement of their lips, and the passion Gerard felt flowing between them was _overwhelming_.

When Gerard moaned quietly, Frank took the opportunity to slip his tongue into Gerard's mouth, pushing his shoulders back against the couch as they continued to kiss heavily. Their tongues tangled in a never ending dance, and Gerard lost himself in the kiss, trying to forget about all the terrible events of this morning and pretend that this was just another day, and he and Frank had the rest of their lives ahead of them.

Gerard broke away from Frank's lips when he felt something wet fall onto his face, and when he pulled back slightly, he saw that it was Frank's tears, which were still trailing steadily down his cheeks as he attempted to control his haggard breathing.

"Frankie... _please_ don't cry," Gerard cooed, wiping away the never ending stream of tears with the pad of his thumb. He felt sort of ridiculous saying that, because if anyone deserved to shed tears, it was _Frank_ , but Gerard hated seeing his boyfriend so upset, especially when he couldn't do anything to ease his sorrows.

"I - I don't want to lose you," Frank choked out, and even more tears fell, replacing the ones Gerard had erased.

Gerard hadn't been expecting to hear that; he thought for sure that Frank was going to say something about how he wasn't ready to die, or to curse the unfairness of his situation, but _no_ \- his biggest fear was losing Gerard, and that was something that Gerard could assure him would never happen.

"You _won't_...I'll be here for you every step of the way," Gerard promised fervently, pressing a quick kiss to Frank's lips which now carried a hint of salt.

"I need you Gerard... _please_ don't leave me," Frank hiccuped softly, and the sheer terror Gerard saw in Frank's eyes hurt more than anything else had today.

It was like Frank truly thought Gerard would abandon him, even after _everything_ they had been through, which was the farthest thing from the truth. Gerard loved Frank with all his heart, and even though watching him die would be the hardest thing he would ever have to do, Gerard had _never_ even considered leaving Frank, now he just had to make Frank see that.

"Baby...I would _never_ do that. You are stuck with me, so like it or not, I'm with you until the end, and I'm not going anywhere." Gerard tried to put as much intensity into his voice as possible, and by the way Frank's expression lifted, he was finally starting to believe Gerard.

"But why would you stay...you heard the doctor Gerard - I'm _dying_ , and there is nothing tying you to me anymore," Frank sniffled softly.

"Frankie...I'm staying because I _love_ you, and nothing in the world will ever change that fact. I hate that this is how it's all going to end, but I'm not going to run away and leave you to deal with this on your own - _I swear_. If anything, I'm not letting you out of my sight for the rest of whatever time we have left."

"You really mean that - _don't you?_ " Frank asked, staring up at Gerard with a look of pure adoration.

"Yeah - I do sugar," Gerard answered solemnly.

"I don't know what I did to deserve you," Frank mumbled quietly, wiping away the last of his tears which had only just now started to ebb.

"I'm the one who should be saying that," Gerard chuckled to himself, because he had never understood why Frank had stayed with him for so long, and even though he wasn't complaining, it always seemed that Frank was _light years_ out of his league, and Gerard would never stop trying to prove himself worthy of Frank's love.

"You are ridiculous, and perfect, and _fuck_ \- I love you," Frank chuckled happily, and Gerard could physically see the weight of his worries lifting slightly.

"I love you too Frankie - _so much_ , and I don't care if you only have a month left, or even a _day_...I'm going to spend it with you."

"Thank you - _really_...but I sort of don't want to talk about my condition anymore. Can we just pretend everything is normal for right now?" Frank sighed heavily, and Gerard was more than ready to agree with him.

"Okay love, what do you want to do then?"

" _Well_ -" Frank trailed off shyly, but Gerard didn't miss the coy look in his eyes, and he instantly knew what Frank had in mind.

" _Frankie_ ," Gerard sighed out, tangling his fingers in Frank's hair gently as he pulled their lips back together once more.

Frank relaxed into the kiss instantly, lying back on the couch as Gerard hovered above him carefully. Even though Gerard knew that nothing had truly changed with Frank, the knowledge that he was dying lay heavy on his mind, making Gerard want to treat Frank like a delicate piece of glass.

Frank obviously noticed Gerard's hesitant nature, but he didn't seem happy with it. He wrapped his legs around Gerard's waist eagerly, pulling him against his body with a throaty moan.

Gerard tried to lift his weight up again slightly; he was so much _heavier_ than Frank after all, and the last thing he wanted to do was hurt him, but Frank refused to let him, tightening his grip with his thighs determinedly. Their close position had Gerard's growing erection pressing directly against Frank's, and Gerard couldn't help but to let out a soft moan of his own into Frank's mouth.

Even though this felt amazing, Gerard was still uncomfortable, and he was convinced that his weight was crushing Frank, so he pulled himself away, causing Frank to groan in frustration when he broke their kiss by accident.

" _Gee_..." Frank whined, trying to drag him back on top of him, but Gerard stubbornly held himself up, locking his arms so Frank couldn't force him to move.

"I'm sorry Frankie, I just don't want to hurt you..." Gerard apologized sheepishly.

" _Please_ don't do this..." Frank whispered softly, and Gerard began internally cursing himself for ruining the mood, because that hadn't been his intention, but once again, he had fucked something up.

"I -" Gerard started to speak, but Frank cut him off before he could continue.

"No - I'm not an _invalid_ , not yet anyway, and I don't want to be treated like one. So get down here and fucking kiss me already," Frank commanded, and the needy tone to his voice had Gerard groaning loudly.

"That's not what I was trying to do...I'm just so heavy..." Gerard explained, even though in all actuality, he was acting differently around Frank, and he knew it.

"Shut up Gee - you aren't _heavy_ okay?" Frank scoffed. Gerard knew he was just lying to make him feel better, but his lust was starting to cloud his brain as Frank peered at him with those fuck me eyes, so against his better judgement, he allowed Frank to pull him back down against his body, reattaching their lips so he wouldn't have the chance to voice any more of his insecurities.

Gerard did his best to shut off his self-destructive mind, focusing instead on kissing Frank with all the passion he could muster. Frank hummed happily against Gerard's mouth when he finally stopped resisting him, and Gerard slowly felt himself beginning to relax.

It wasn't long before Frank began tugging on the hem of Gerard's t-shirt impatiently, and Gerard got the hint, removing the article of clothing before returning to kissing Frank. Frank's hands roved all over his newly exposed bare skin, each place his fingers caressed trembling slightly under Frank's ministrations.

"I want you Gee... _please_ ," Frank gasped out when Gerard began sucking on Frank's neck in that one spot that he knew reduced Frank to a quivering mess instantly.

"Yeah - come on, bedroom," Gerard growled out, dragging Frank to his feet as they both stumbled toward Gerard's room, their progress hampered by the fact that they could barely keep their hands off each other.

By the time Gerard laid Frank down onto the bed, he had gotten his shirt off as well, and he took the opportunity to press his mouth against every inch of Frank's skin that he could reach. Frank was panting heavily now, arching up into Gerard's touch as he trailed his mouth down toward his hipbones, which was another sweet spot for Frank.

" _Fuck_ Gee - stop teasing... _please?_ " Frank begged, but Gerard ignored him for the moment, spending a few more minutes licking and sucking across Frank's waistband.

As soon as Gerard removed his mouth from Frank's skin, Frank was tugging on the zipper of his pants, and with some help from Gerard, they managed to get his jeans off, leaving Frank in nothing but his boxer shorts.

"So beautiful baby," Gerard murmured, pressing a kiss to the tip of Frank's erection, the scratchy fabric covering it felt harsh against Gerard's lips, but the loud whine he received from Frank was definitely worth it.

"Fuck me Gee - _now_ ," Frank demanded, his pupils blown wide with lust as he stared down at Gerard eagerly.

"Patience sugar," Gerard cooed, but he did reach into his bedside drawer, fishing around for a moment before emerging with the tube of lube he always kept there.

Gerard inched Frank's boxers down slowly, groaning to himself when Frank's cock was finally exposed, the tip leaking already where it lay against his stomach. Frank spread his legs eagerly as soon as the article of clothing was off, and Gerard had to suppress a soft chuckle as he slicked up two of his fingers quickly.

" _God_ \- you are desperate for me..." Gerard whispered hoarsely, tracing Frank's hole with his finger teasingly as he spoke.

" _No shit_ -" Frank whined, trying his hardest to press down on Gerard's hand, but Gerard kept moving away from his greedy actions.

Finally, Gerard allowed Frank to sink down onto one of his fingers, and Frank immediately let out a gasp of satisfaction as he pushed against Gerard's hand roughly.

" _Fuck_ Frankie..." Gerard moaned softly. Just the sight of his boyfriend writhing above him had his own dick pressing against his jeans, desperate for attention as well, but Gerard wanted to make this all about Frank, so he disregarded his throbbing cock for the time being.

"More... _please_ \- I need more," Frank gasped out, and Gerard readily complied, adding a second finger easily.

" _Shit_..." Frank hissed, throwing his head back in pleasure as Gerard continued to stretch him.

Frank look so _beautiful_ like this, his hair sticking to his forehead, his eyes squeezed shut and his hard cock bobbing slightly with his every movement. Gerard was once again overwhelmed that this perfect boy was his, and for the first time all day, he had actually managed to forget that Frank was dying - all of his concentration was taken up by making sure Frank felt as much pleasure as possible.

Leaning down, Gerard took Frank's straining cock into his mouth while he intensified the motions with his fingers, and the strangled moan Frank released had Gerard's dick twitching wildly, but he ignored his own needs for now.

Frank bucked up into Gerard's mouth before pushing back down onto his fingers, and when Gerard curled his digits upward slightly, Frank gasped loudly, his legs trembling violently against Gerard's body.

" _Fuck_ Gee - do that again," Frank begged, and Gerard smirked as much as he could with Frank's cock in his mouth. Making sure to hit Frank's prostate each time, Gerard drank in the beautiful sounds that were spilling from Frank's mouth with increasing frequency.

" _Fucking_ hell Frank," Gerard gasped out, removing himself from Frank's cock for the moment, wrapping his hand around it instead as he panted heavily.

" _Shit_ \- Gee stop, I'm ready for you... _please?_ " Frank groaned weakly, and Gerard could tell by the way Frank had begun shaking slightly that he was very close, so he removed his fingers quickly before hastily tossing off his jeans, which were still on for some reason.

Gerard moaned softly when his cock was finally freed from its confinement, grabbing the lube so he could slick himself up as Frank gazed at him with an impatient expression on his face.

"Hurry up," Frank whined, tugging Gerard in for a messy kiss once Gerard was finished preparing himself.

"Okay - just let me..." Gerard huffed out, trying to reposition himself so he could get his cock where Frank wanted it, but with Frank still kissing the life out of him, that was easier said than done.

Frank eventually caught on to Gerard's distress, wrapping his legs around Gerard's waist helpfully, and then Gerard was finally sinking inside him, moaning against Frank's mouth as he was enveloped by his tight heat.

" _Oh god_..." Frank choked out, breaking apart from Gerard's lips so he could suck some air into his lungs.

"So tight Frankie... _always_ so tight," Gerard growled, sinking all the way in with a satisfied sigh.

"Fuck Gee - _move_ ," Frank demanded, snapping his hips as much as he could with Gerard leaning over him.

"Okay - _shit_..." Gerard groaned, because he really needed a moment to compose himself here, or he was going to come before they even got started, but Frank was always like this: needy, impatient, _desperate_ , and Gerard couldn't deny his boyfriend anything right now.

Beginning to thrust slowly, Gerard's eyes basically rolled up in his head when he felt Frank clenching around him. Being connected to his boyfriend this way was incredible, and Gerard would never get enough of this; _seriously_ \- if he had a choice, he would rarely let Frank leave his bed.

Wrapping his arm under Frank's waist, Gerard changed his angle slightly, and when Frank let out an obscene moan, Gerard knew he had found his sweet spot. Frank was falling apart now, each touch to his prostate causing him to jerk and cry out loudly, and just seeing Frank like this had Gerard's own orgasm climbing higher rapidly.

"Gee - _please_ touch me, I'm _so_ close," Frank whined.

Encircling his free hand around Frank's leaking cock, Gerard began to pump him quickly as he intensified the speed of his thrusts. Gerard was on the edge as well, but he forced himself to hold off, he wanted to make Frank come first.

" _Fuck_ baby...come for me - I wanna watch," Gerard moaned, and that was all it took for Frank to lose it completely, crying out hoarsely as his hot come shot all over his stomach and Gerard's hand.

Gerard continued to stroke him through his high, slamming into Frank one more time before he lost the slender grip he had on his own orgasm. Gerard called out Frank's name as he shattered into a thousand pieces, wave after wave of intense pleasure shooting throughout him as he emptied himself inside of Frank.

Frank whimpered slightly when Gerard pulled out of him, and Gerard heard a soft gasp come out his own mouth as well. They were both wrung out and exhausted, but in the best way possible, and Gerard basked in the giddy feeling overtaking his body.

"Wow..." Frank giggled quietly as Gerard snuggled up beside him. Frank's eyes were still closed and he was breathing heavily. He looked as blissed out as Gerard was, and Gerard felt a soft bubble of pride when he realized that he had managed to reduce Frank to this state.

"That was amazing..." Gerard mumbled happily, pressing a soft kiss to Frank's sweat soaked forehead.

"Thank you," Frank spoke up after a few minutes of peaceful silence in which they both tried to come back down to earth.

"For what?" Gerard questioned curiously.

"For loving me, for taking me away from my father, for making me forget for a little while...for making me feel _normal_ ," Frank sighed out.

Gerard didn't have any words with which to respond with, nothing that would do this situation justice that is, so he simply wrapped his arms around his boyfriend tenderly, basking in this perfect moment for as long as he could before reality came back and slapped him in the face once again.


	9. This Is A War That Was Lost The Day That It Began

The next week passed in a happy blur of cuddling and endless movie nights, with no disruptions from Frank's father, much to Gerard's surprise. Frank wanted to pretend like everything was normal, and Gerard wasn't in a position to deny him anything, so even though it took a monumental effort, Gerard managed to push all thoughts of Frank's condition to the back of his mind, and simply enjoyed the novelty of having Frank living with him.

Frank had convinced Gerard not to sell his house, making the very valid argument that it probably wouldn't even get any offers before - well...Frank _died_ , and he didn't want Gerard to lose his last connection to Elena for no reason. Gerard had reluctantly agreed, and even though he was terrified of Frank's father coming over and dragging Frank back home, it hadn't happened yet, and hopefully it never would.

Frank assured Gerard he wouldn't go with his father this time, and he was fully prepared to call the police if he tried anything drastic. Gerard really hoped it wouldn't come to that; he didn't want Frank caught up in a legal mess right now, but it did make Gerard smile to hear that Frank was done with his father for good.

Living with Frank was everything Gerard had ever imagined it would be and more; he would never get tired of waking up with Frank beside him, and even menial things like making breakfast became exciting now that he had someone to cook for.

Frank brightened up every moment of Gerard's day, and he regretted waiting so long to ask Frank to move in with him, not to mention the fact that he wouldn't have Frank around for that much longer. Gerard couldn't image what it would be like when Frank was gone, so he simply refused to dwell on it. He didn't want to let his sorrow at what was to come spoiling their time together.

Frank had been unusually quiet today though, and Gerard was beginning to get worried. He looked okay physically; and Gerard didn't think he was having another headache, but Frank had barely spoken a word in the past hour, which was a rare occurrence for the usually talkative boy.

It wasn't like Gerard could blame him though; if he was in Frank's position, he knew he wouldn't be coping half as well, so he was definitely entitled to moping a bit, and Gerard was doing his best not to confront him about it, but that was easier said than done.

"What are you thinking about?" Gerard nudged Frank slightly, his curiosity at Frank's silence finally overwhelming his earlier resolve to leave him be.

"My mom...I miss her. I mean - I know she wasn't the _best_ parent, and I thought I wanted them both out of my life completely, but...I don't know," Frank sighed out, leaning into Gerard's side heavily as he spoke.

"Do you want to go see her, when your dad's not home _obviously_ ," Gerard suggested, a grin tugging at the corner of his lips when Frank's face brightened considerably.

"Yeah - I'd like that. I just want to tell her about... _you know._ "

"Yeah - of course, I think she would want to know," Gerard agreed, because even though he wasn't fond of Frank's mother, she did deserve to be aware of what was going on, and Gerard would do anything if it made Frank happy.

"I just want to say goodbye I guess," Frank whispered quietly, and Gerard didn't miss the slight quaver in his voice.

"I - yeah," Gerard answered lamely, all of the thoughts he had kept so carefully locked away came pouring back at Frank's words, and he had to choke back his own tears before Frank saw.

"It's okay Gee, we can't just ignore it forever," Frank smiled weakly, wrapping his arms around Gerard in a tentative embrace.

"I know...I'm sorry, I just - I'm just being silly," Gerard tried to laugh, but it came out in a strangled croak instead.

"No you aren't - I'm _dying_ , and even though I don't want to think about it, it's going to happen...my eyesight is already getting worse," Frank admitted softly.

"Oh baby..." Gerard returned Frank's embrace, trying to banish all the terrible things that were happening to him with the simple touch, but it didn't work that way, _of course_ it didn't.

"I can still see, it just made everything more real...which is why I want to visit my mom before it's too late."

"Well come on, let's go see if your dad is out," Gerard discreetly wiped his face before standing up, offering his hand to Frank once he had gained his feet.

It was raining, so Gerard decided to drive Frank over to his old house, even though they could easily have walked, but the last thing Gerard wanted was for Frank to catch a cold because he had gotten wet. Stopping the car a few houses back, as usual, Gerard killed the engine before grabbing an umbrella and opening his door.

"Wait here, I will go check to make sure the coast is clear," Gerard told Frank, who nodded silently in response.

Gerard didn't see Frank's father's car in the driveway, which usually meant he was out, but Gerard had to make sure, so he peered into the windows on the ground level, and when he saw only Frank's mother on the couch watching television, he was finally convinced that Frank's father was gone for the time being.

That didn't mean he couldn't come back any second though, so Gerard hurriedly made his way to the front door, knocking softly as his breath caught in his chest. It had been so long since he had actually entered Frank's house this way, and even though he knew Frank's father wasn't inside, being this exposed was slightly terrifying.

Frank's mother answered the door with a confused look on her face, and Gerard let out a sigh of relief. She would never have let Gerard in if Frank's father was lurking inside somewhere, which meant they had timed their visit perfectly.

"What are you doing here? Don't you know that Frank's run away... _oh god_ \- I thought he was with you. Is he okay - have you seen him?" Frank's mother gasped out.

"Yes I know - he's with me, and he's safe. He actually wants to talk to you, but I had to check if his dad was home first," Gerard explained, and Frank's mother's expression instantly relaxed when she took in his words.

"Thank god - I was so worried. I would love to see Frank again, and his father just left, I don't think he will be back for a few hours."

"I'll go get him, just a second," Gerard called out over his shoulder as he jogged back toward his car to retrieve Frank.

As soon as Frank saw Gerard approaching, he perked up visibly, and when Gerard gave him the thumbs up, Frank exited the car eagerly, ducking under Gerard's umbrella as they headed back inside and out of the rain.

"Mom!" Frank cried out as soon as he caught sight of her, his entire face lightening up as he raced into her arms.

"Oh Frank...I've missed you so much." Gerard's heart swelled as he observed Frank and his mother, and he began to rethink his previous opinion of her. Even though she should have done more to protect Frank from his father, she obviously loved him, and Gerard had never had a chance to see this side of her before.

"I'm not here to stay mom - just...come inside, I have a lot to tell you." Frank pulled out of her embrace reluctantly, grabbing her hand and leading her into the living room.

Gerard followed them slowly, trying to give them some space as they settled onto the couch. As happy as Gerard was that Frank was getting this reunion with his mother, he felt out of place in it, and knowing what Frank was about to say was causing Gerard's stomach to twist uncomfortably. Gerard didn't want to hear Frank talk about his condition, or say goodbye to his mother, it would only make his eminent death all the more real.

Even though Frank seemed ready to accept his fate, Gerard wasn't, and he probably never would be. He was much happier trying to pretend that nothing was wrong, and even though Gerard realized that was probably unhealthy, and it would only make Frank's passing harder to deal with in the end, hearing Frank speak about it wasn't something Gerard was looking forward to.

Frank and his mother began chatting softly about something, but Gerard tuned it out; he couldn't listen to this, not without breaking down in tears, and this moment was supposed to be about Frank and his mother - not Gerard.

"Gee - you wanna sit down?" Frank asked, patting the seat next to him, but Gerard shook his head.

"I'm - uh...just gonna use the bathroom," Gerard stammered out when Frank shot him a questioning glance, but he didn't want to explain himself right now, so he darted out of sight before Frank could stop him.

Once Gerard had put some space between him and Frank, he sunk down against the wall of the hallway he had ended up in with his head in his hands. Even though he could still hear quiet murmurs from the other room, he couldn't understand the words, which was exactly how Gerard wanted it.

Gerard knew he was being a coward, and he needed to pull himself together and be there for Frank, but it was just so hard. Gerard was trying - he _really_ was, but every time he truly thought about losing Frank, it was as if his entire world came crashing down around him, because Frank was his whole world, and Gerard was lost amid the rubble with no one to help him.

It would be different if Gerard could fight for Frank, protect him from this somehow, but this wasn't a person - like Frank's father - that he could stand up to and demand that they leave Frank alone; it was a disease, an uncaring, unthinking entitety that would never release its claws from Frank until it was too late. This was a battle that Gerard couldn't win, and _that_ was what made this so difficult for Gerard to accept.

Gerard hadn't even grown the balls to call his own family yet, although he knew he had to do it soon if they wanted to come visit Frank before the end. He had picked up the phone probably forty times with the intention of dialing his mother's number, but he had never once managed to enter the entire sequence before slamming the handset back down with shaking hands.

Gerard wasn't strong enough to deal with this, no matter how much he pretended he was. Gerard had almost broken when he lost Elena, and he had known her death was coming years before it actually happened. Losing Frank like this with barely any warning was a thousand times worse, and Gerard knew the depression he had went through after Elena's death would be nothing compared to the one that was soon to come.

Gerard's breathing rang out heavily in the deserted hallway, and he realized he was on the verge of a nasty panic attack. Even though he tried to calm himself down, Gerard felt his limbs beginning to shake uncontrollably, and his vision started to grow spotty and fuzzy.

Gerard tried to think of something else, something that didn't have to do with Frank dying, but it was like his mind was stuck in an endless loop, and his brain consisted of nothing else but Frank. Gerard was quickly losing control of himself, his heavy panting gaining in volume as his heart beat sped up with each passing second.

Gerard whimpered softly to himself as his chest tightened, curling up on his side pathetically as if that could protect him from his own mind. Gerard was disgusted with his weakness, but he couldn't force his lungs to draw in air properly, and he knew he was seconds away from passing out.

Gerard _hated_ this, hated the way he couldn't even think about Frank's death without falling apart. How could Frank possibly love this person, this _mess_ that couldn't even listen to a simple conversation without breaking down - Gerard was pitiful, deplorable, unworthy of Frank, he didn't even deserve to feel this way...but he couldn't stop.

"Gee - hey baby...sshh - it's okay..." Frank's voice came from somewhere far above Gerard, breaking him out of his destructive thoughts, but he couldn't open his eyes, he couldn't even _move_ , all he could do was lay there and tremble violently.

"I've got you, you're safe. Can you sit up for me love - I need you to look at me," Frank persisted, hoisting Gerard up from the floor gently and into his lap.

"Frankie?" Gerard gasped out, his terror already ebbing now that he wasn't alone.

"Yeah baby - I'm here. You just need to breathe okay, _everything's_ okay." Frank continued to murmur soothing words as he stroked Gerard's hair softly, and even though Gerard was beyond embarrassed at the fact that he had broken down and had a panic attack in Frank's house, he was so grateful that Frank had come to his rescue once again.

But Frank wouldn't be able to do that for much longer, and in a few weeks, Gerard would be truly alone. He wouldn't be able to rely on Frank to save him from his fucked up mind soon, and that thought had tears spilling down Gerard's cheeks, his chest heaving as he tried to contain his sobs.

"Don't cry love, I've got you," Frank whispered quietly, and even though his words should have comforted Gerard, they only made him cry harder.


	10. The Road To Acceptance

Frank stayed there on the floor with Gerard until his sobs had ebbed enough to allow him to breathe properly; he never stopped stroking Gerard's hair or murmuring soft words of encouragement into his ear, and finally, Gerard managed to force back the last dredges of his ill-timed panic attack.

"You okay baby?" Frank asked when he noticed the fact that Gerard's tears had stopped.

"Yeah...I'm so sorry, I feel so stupid," Gerard choked out, curling up against Frank's side in an attempt to hide his face from Frank's prying gaze.

"Gee...you aren't _stupid_ , and you know that." Frank cooed, brushing Gerard's hair back from his forehead so he could get a better glimpse of his red eyes.

"I am... _fuck_ \- I ruined your talk with your mom," Gerard choked out, sitting up slightly so he could wipe his eyes with a shaking hand.

"No you didn't, and even if you had...I don't care. I just wish you had told me you were feeling this way, I don't want you to have to suffer through these attacks alone," Frank chastised Gerard softly, helping him brush away a few tears he had missed.

"I didn't think I was going to have one, I just - I can't think about you dying without feeling like I'm the one who is, and even the thought of you talking with your mom set me off..." Gerard admitted softly.

"Oh love...I'm so sorry - I hate this, and I hate the fact that I'm hurting you, even if I'm not meaning to, but it's going to be okay - _you_ will be okay."

"I don't - _I can't_...Frank, I can't lose you. I'm not ready, I will never be ready, but this is too soon, and I don't know what to do," Gerard wailed softly.

Frank worried his lower lip in-between his teeth, trying to find the right words to comfort Gerard, but they continued to elude him. Frank had mostly come to terms with his condition, and the fact that he was dying wasn't nearly as terrifying to think of as it had been the first time he had heard the diagnosis, but he couldn't help but feel guilty for what it was doing to Gerard.

Because in a way, Frank felt like he had it easy, even though he was the one with the brain tumor, because in the end, Frank would go somewhere else; he wasn't sure where, but he chose to believe that it would be somewhere he would be happy and free of pain.

But Gerard wouldn't, Gerard would be stuck here, forced to live on without Frank, and that just didn't seem fair at all. Frank remembered how much Elena's death had hurt Gerard, and he didn't want to cause him to feel those same emotions, but there was nothing he could do besides help Gerard believe that he could carry on without him.

Frank was worried though, worried that Gerard would give up once he was gone, worried that Gerard wouldn't have anyone there with him to stop him from slipping back into old habits, and Frank was trying to think of a plan to make sure that Gerard was watched over when he could no longer do it.

When Frank had met Gerard, he had been pretty fucked up, and even though he had come leaps and bounds since then, Frank was terrified that his death would be the catalyst that would bring Gerard's old demons back to haunt him.

Frank shuddered slightly when he remembered the old Gerard, because it wasn't a pleasant thing to think about. Even though Frank had still loved Gerard, even then, he hated the way Gerard was drunk more often than not, and he still remembered the bile that had risen in his throat the first time he had seen Gerard's scarred arms.

Frank understood that Gerard battled with his mind constantly, but he hadn't back then, and it had broken his heart that when he learned that Gerard resorted to these things just to escape himself for a short time. Frank was shocked when he finally discovered Gerard's secret, but he wasn't repulsed, and he made it his mission to help Gerard love himself as much as Frank loved him.

According to Mikey, Gerard had been even worse before he had met Frank, and in the younger Way's opinion, Gerard had started kicking all of his bad habits once Frank had came into his life, even though Gerard had never specifically told him that.

But whatever the case, Gerard had transformed from the person Frank had first met two years ago, and Frank had to agree with Mikey when he said that their relationship had a lot to do with Gerard's recovery. Frank never wanted Gerard to go back to what he had been, but now that he was being taken out of the equation, he didn't know what to do.

Frank felt guilty, even though he knew that was ridiculous; it wasn't like he had asked for this to happen, but _still_ \- if Gerard didn't care for him so much, Frank's death wouldn't hurt him, and Frank almost wished he had never met Gerard if their relationship was causing him this much pain.

But _no_...Frank was the one being stupid now, because if Mikey was right - which Frank was almost certain he was, Gerard had obviously been hurting before he had met Frank, and it was because of Frank that he had managed to drag himself out of the dark hole he had previously been trapped in.

It didn't matter anyway, because Frank couldn't change the past; all he could do was try and help Gerard accept what was coming, and he had to start now, before it was too late.

"I know baby, and I'm so sorry - if I could stay with you, you know I would, but right now, I need you okay? I need you out there with me, because I can't do this without you, and I don't want to," Frank finally spoke up after sorting out his thoughts, and he had to stifle a sigh of relief when Gerard finally met his gaze.

"I don't know why you want me with you...I'm such a mess, I should be the one comforting you right now," Gerard whispered morosely.

"But you have baby, all week you have been taking care of me, and now it was my turn to look out for you. We are in this together okay, and I need you - _yes_ , but that doesn't mean you don't need me too."

"I just feel weak, and you shouldn't have to worry about me right now." Gerard hung his head again, but Frank wasn't letting him avoid his eyes so easily, so he pushed his chin back up with two of his fingers so Gerard was forced to look at him.

"Gee...you aren't weak - _at all_ , you are the strongest person I know, but that doesn't mean you can't break every now and then, and when that happens, I want you to tell me so I can help - _okay?_ " Frank tried to make his words firm, because he couldn't let Gerard bottle up his emotions until they reached this point, that was how these attacks happened in the first place.

As long as Frank could, he was going to support Gerard, and he refused to let him hide his own fears and worries away just because of Frank's condition; that was unfair, and not what Frank wanted at all, and he had to make sure that Gerard understood that.

"I - _okay_...I will," Gerard finally agreed, causing a small smile to break out across Frank's face.

"Thank you love."

"I should be saying that...I would still be on the floor if it wasn't for you," Gerard mumbled before pressing a soft kiss to Frank's cheek.

"I could tell from the look on your face before you took off that you weren't okay, so don't even think about lying to me in the future," Frank giggled quietly, and he was rewarded with a small smile from Gerard.

"I won't, and I really am sorry. I just freaked out when you started talking to your mom, but I think I am okay now." Gerard proved his words by standing up slowly, lifting Frank to his feet once he had regained his own footing.

"I understand - I do, but I want you to be there with me. It will be easier to tell her with you by my side. Can you sit with me Gee?" Frank asked nervously, because even though he didn't want to cause Gerard any more distress, he really did need Gerard right now, and Gerard also needed this; he had to get used to the idea of Frank dying if he was ever going to be able to move on after his death.

"If that's what you want." Gerard's eyes darted back and forth nervously, but when Frank clasped his hand with Gerard's, he visibly calmed, much to Frank's relief.

"It is."

"Well, let's go then. I have wasted enough of your time with your mom, and I don't want to stay too long in case your dad comes back soon," Gerard sighed out, following Frank back down the hallway slowly.

"Stop it Gee - you are never a waste of my time, of my _anything_ , and I don't want you to think that way," Frank stated firmly.

"I - okay," Gerard gulped audibly, and even though Frank knew he didn't believe him yet, Gerard was right, and they couldn't risk being here much longer, so Frank stayed silent. He could confront Gerard about his words later on when they were safe at home.

When they reentered the living room, Frank's mother graced them with a small smile, and Frank was relieved when she didn't inquire about Gerard's prolonged absence. Frank hadn't told her anything when he had taken off after Gerard besides saying that he had to check on him, but his mother was never one to pry. Frank didn't mind explaining Gerard's panic attacks to her, but he knew it would embarrass Gerard, and he was grateful that she hadn't asked for his boyfriend's sake.

"So where did I leave off," Frank asked his mother, pulling Gerard onto the couch next to him when he sat down, keeping their hands connected the entire time.

Gerard's body was tense, but he didn't seem like he was about to bolt, and as Frank leaned into Gerard's side, he felt some of Gerard's nervous energy dissipate slightly. Frank had faith that Gerard could do this, and he was truly grateful that he had managed to sit through this with him, because it really was easier to talk about his condition with Gerard's comforting presence pressed up against his skin.

As Frank explained his diagnosis to his mother, Gerard stayed silent the entire time, the only sign Frank had that he was listening was when he would squeeze Frank's hand occasionally, but he was still here, and that was all that mattered to Frank.

"So I don't have much time left...and I just wanted to say goodbye," Frank wrapped up his tale with a soft sniffle, trying to read his mother's expression, which had stayed mostly blank so far.

"I - I don't even know what to say," Frank's mother whispered.

"I know...it's a lot to take in," Frank responded, shrugging his shoulders slightly as he spoke.

"Well I have been meaning to tell you that I am so sorry for everything that has happened to you in this home, and I am glad you left when you did. You deserve some happiness Frank..." Frank's mother choked out quietly.

"Thank you mom, and I am happy - Gerard makes me happy, and I forgive you." Frank used his free hand to clasp one of his mother's, and she brought their conjoined palms up to his lips before pressing a soft kiss to them.

"Thank you for taking care of him Gerard..." She turned her gaze to Gerard, who jumped slightly once he realized he was being addressed.

"You are welcome, and I promise I will be there until the end. I love him..." Gerard trailed off awkwardly, but Frank's mother was smiling at his words.

"I know I haven't been a very good mother, and it is too late to start now, but I want to try and be there for you, so could I visit sometime...at your place?" Frank's mother asked warily.

"Of course, I would love that actually." Frank's heart swelled when he heard that his mother actually wanted to spend some more time with him, because even though he knew she loved him in a way, he wasn't sure how she would react to all of this, and he had assumed she would simply wash her hands of him now that he was dying.

"Thank you, and if you boys need money - or _anything_ really, just let me know, and I will find a way to get it. I will make sure your father doesn't find out about it, and I want to help in any way I can."

"Just seeing you will be enough, but I will let you know if anything comes up," Frank answered, because he honestly hadn't even considered the cost of his hospital visits at all, even though he really should have. He knew Gerard had a decent amount of money stored away, but he made a mental reminder to ask him if he had enough to continue to pay for his treatments.

"Well, as much as I don't want you to, you should go. Your father could be back any time now." Frank's mother glanced out the window warily as she spoke.

"You are right, but you will come see me soon right?" Frank asked as he stood up in preparation to leave.

"Of course baby, I will phone you as soon as I have a free moment...and Frank - you know I love you _right?_ "

"Yeah mom, and I love you too." Frank pulled his mother into a brief hug, enjoying the feeling of her arms around him, because he couldn't remember the last time she had embraced him, and he had truly missed this.

And even though Frank didn't want to die, he was gratefully that this tragic event has brought him and his mother closer than they had been in years, and when Frank glanced back to see Gerard smiling fondly at them, he couldn't help but feel lucky to be surrounded by the people he loved, and his approaching death really didn't seem that important for the first time since he had learned about it.


	11. All The Fears That We Will Face

Another week passed with nothing terrible happening, quite the opposite actually. Frank's condition didn't seem to deteriorate any further, and the weekly visits to the hospital to drain the fluid from his brain kept away his headaches, so in a way, Frank almost seemed healthier than he had in the past year - _at least_ , that was how Gerard chose to view it.

Despite Frank's rapidly diminishing vision, Frank showed no other signs that he was dying, and maybe it was just because he was finally free from his oppressive father, or maybe he was just excited about living with Gerard, but whatever it was, Gerard hadn't seen Frank this happy since high school.

Everything seemed about as perfect as it could be, considering the situation, and Gerard didn't understand why this couldn't have happened a year ago, back when Frank was still healthy, so they would be able to truly enjoy life without the dark cloud of Frank's condition hanging over everything, but maybe that was just how things worked.

Maybe happiness _wasn't_ free, and something terrible had to happen in order for something amazing to follow, like karma, or _something_ , but whatever the case, Gerard couldn't remember the last time he had seen Frank so alive, which was truly irony in its greatest form.

Frank's mother kept to her word, calling Frank often to check up on him, and even stopping by a few days ago to spend the afternoon with him. Frank was ecstatic about his mother's newfound involvement in his life, and even though Gerard thought it was too little, too late, he had to give her credit for trying.

Somehow, Frank's mother had managed to convince Frank's father to leave him alone, and that in itself was enough to make Gerard forgive her for past grievances. It was such a blessing not to peer over their shoulders when they left the house, and not once had Frank's father attempted to knock on Gerard's door and drag Frank away.

This is what Gerard had always wanted for them; to live together without judgement, to save Frank from the horrors of home and give him a safe place to stay, and now they had that, but not for long, no matter that Frank didn't seem that ill at all.

Gerard knew that Frank wasn't _actually_ getting any better, and even though he was aware that this was just the calm before the storm that would be Frank's death, Gerard chose to enjoy it. These were his last few moments with Frank, and he was more than happy to pretend that everything was okay for as long as he possibly could.

Gerard needed this time with Frank, these final few memories before they weren't able to make any more, and even if Gerard was kept awake at night crying softly when Frank couldn't hear him, that didn't matter, because it would be so much worse when Frank was actually gone, and Frank didn't need to be burdened with Gerard's sorrows when he had so many of his own.

During the day, when Gerard was with Frank, he was genuinely happy, pretty _fucking_ ecstatic actually, because he and Frank had never had so much time to themselves before, and even just watching Frank nap peacefully on the couch filled Gerard with a fuzzy feeling that warmed his insides, and as long as Gerard avoided all thoughts about how little time Frank had left, he was okay.

And _yes_ \- Gerard knew he was lying to himself, and he was sinking too deep into the perfect world his mind had created, one where Frank wasn't sick, and everything was wonderful, and only the hours of darkness brought the bitter truth back, but what else was Gerard supposed to do?

It wasn't like he could mope around the entire day sobbing, not when he had Frank to take care of, and appointments to make, and a life to lead, and even though Gerard's existence would cease to mean anything when Frank was gone, he was still here right now, so Gerard had to hold it together as well.

And if he was being honest with himself, Gerard was aware that he truly hadn't accepted Frank's fate, even though he knew that death was following Frank around like a shadow, but still - miracles _could_ happen, and Gerard couldn't quench the small hope that maybe the next time they went to the doctor, the tumor would have shrunk, or something would change, and Frank would find a way to survive this after all.

Gerard wasn't sure if this farfetched idea was hurting or helping him, and he wouldn't know until the day Frank was ripped away from him forever, but right now, Gerard was happier than he had been in a long time when he was pretending that Frank had a chance, and Gerard wanted to keep feeling this way, even if he was just fooling himself.

Frank just seemed so real, so _alive_ , and even though Gerard was terrified that his condition would change at any moment, it was almost hard to imagine someone as vibrant as Frank fading away.

Gerard tried to picture what life would be like when Frank was no longer there, but he just _couldn't_ , not now with Frank slumbering peacefully in his arms, Gerard timing each of his breaths carefully just to make sure he was still there with him.

Frank began to stir in his sleep, and Gerard instantly began to stroke his hair, trying to soothe him back into slumber with the touch. Frank had been sleeping quite a bit lately, and even though it had worried Gerard at first, the doctor had reassured him that it was completely natural. His body was doing its best to keep fighting against the intrusion in his brain, and he needed more rest because of that, so Gerard wanted him to get as much as possible if it meant he would hold on for that much longer.

"Gee..." Frank murmured, opening his eyes blearily as he peered upward, trying to catch sight of his boyfriend's face. Frank's eyesight was continuing to grow worse; he had even taken to wearing glasses lately when he had to read something, and his vision was especially poor when he first woke up.

"I'm here baby, you okay?" Gerard whispered, still petting his hair absentmindedly.

"I'm really cold, can you turn the heat up?" Frank asked.

Gerard shot Frank a puzzled look, because it was actually quite warm in the house since Gerard never seemed to be able to produce enough body heat to keep himself comfortable, and Frank was wrapped securely in a blanket, so he shouldn't be chilly.

Gerard let his hand trail lower, pressing his palm against Frank's forehead, and he hissed in shock when he came in contact with burning skin.

"I think you have a fever sugar..." Gerard flinched slightly as a massive tremor wracked Frank's body, and it took Gerard a moment to realize that Frank was shivering violently.

"I don't feel too well..." Frank sighed, and Gerard's heart clenched in his chest at his words.

Gerard had no idea if Frank was just sick, or if this was some side effect of the tumor, but his mind instantly jumped to the worst conclusion possible, and he felt terror flooding throughout his veins at a rapid pace.

What if this was _it_ , what if Frank was dying right now? Gerard wasn't ready, he couldn't handle this yet, but he wouldn't know for sure unless he took him to the hospital.

"I think I need to take you back to the doctor..." Gerard informed Frank, standing up so he could go get his keys.

"No - _please_...we were just there yesterday. I'm sure I'm fine," Frank whined, grabbing on to Gerard's pant leg in an attempt to entice him back to his side.

"At least let me call him?" Gerard asked, because there was no way he was going to keep Frank home without finding out if this was natural or not.

"Fine...but hurry back," Frank pouted, lying down on the couch with a sad sigh.

"I will," Gerard promised, all but sprinting toward his phone which was charging in the kitchen at the moment.

Gerard had Frank's doctor on speed dial, and it wasn't long before he was connected to the specialist who had been put in charge of Frank's care.

Once Gerard had explained the situation, the doctor told Gerard that it probably wasn't anything serious, but he should keep an eye on Frank and bring him in if his fever went over one hundred and five degrees. According to the doctor, Frank's body was just slowly weakening, and he would probably get sick more often because of that.

As soon as Gerard hung up the phone, he rushed into the bathroom, searching for the first aid kit which should contain a thermometer. When Gerard finally found it, he returned to Frank's side, only to find his boyfriend mostly asleep again sprawled out on the couch.

"Wake up baby, I gotta take your temperature," Gerard cooed, trying to coax Frank into a sitting position gently.

"No - 'm tired," Frank grumbled, but he did open his mouth and let Gerard fit the small device under his tongue.

When the thermometer beeped twice, Gerard pulled it out, breathing a sigh of relief when the digital output read one hundred and two.

"Are you gonna make me go to the doctor?" Frank asked warily, peering at Gerard with his eyes half opened.

"Not yet love, but I am going to get you into bed. You will be warmer there," Gerard smiled weakly as Frank held out his arms so Gerard could pick him up.

"Will you lay down with me?" Frank mumbled sleepily as Gerard tucked Frank underneath the sheets lovingly, making sure to cover him with every blanket they had on the large bed.

"In a second Frankie, I'm just gonna get you a wet rag for your forehead."

"No...that will make me colder," Frank shivered again, but he was already breaking out in a light sheen of sweat, and Gerard needed to try something to bring his fever down.

"I'll be right back," Gerard ignored Frank's protests, because by the way he was already snuggling down against the pillow, he was going to be asleep in a few minutes anyway.

Gerard was proven right, and by the time he returned with a damp washcloth from the bathroom, Frank was already dozing off, his soft snores filling the otherwise silent room.

Gerard slipped under the covers carefully, making sure not to disturb Frank in the process, but even asleep, Frank seemed to know Gerard was there. He instantly scooted closer to Gerard, and when Gerard wrapped his arms around Frank, he sighed softly in contentment.

Gerard had made sure to bring the thermometer into the bedroom as well, and every thirty minutes or so, he checked Frank's temperature. His fever didn't seem to be getting any worse, but it also wasn't abating yet either, and Gerard steeled himself for a long night.

There was no way Gerard could let himself fall asleep while Frank was still burning up, because Gerard would never forgive himself if Frank's temperature spiked while he was blissfully unaware, even though he wanted nothing more than to snuggle into Frank's side and doze off, and not necessarily because he was tired.

 _No_ \- it was because now Gerard was alone with his thoughts once again, and this was the time of day he despised with every fiber of his being, because this was when reality came crashing back down, this was when Gerard couldn't pretend anymore, and he ached for the oblivion of sleep so he wouldn't have to deal with this.

But Gerard couldn't escape, all he could do was hold Frank tightly as he began to whimper in his sleep; whatever fever dreams he was experiencing causing him to twist and turn slightly, and _fuck_ \- Gerard felt like crying, and only his fear of waking Frank helped him to keep the tears at bay.

Gerard felt so alone in this moment, even though Frank was right beside him, but for once, his presence wasn't enough to soothe Gerard's fears. Even though Frank was just sick, and this wasn't anything _serious_ , seeing Frank shaking and weak made it all too easy for Gerard to imagine what it would be like closer to the end, and now that he had begun to picture it, he couldn't stop.

Against his will, Gerard's eyes began to fill with tears, his limbs quivering slightly as he tried his best to suppress the overwhelming sorrow that was curdling in his gut and making his stomach twist uncomfortably. Keeping his sobs as quiet as possible, Gerard pulled Frank against his chest, rocking him back and forth slowly as his tears dropped onto the top of Frank's head.

Gerard kept repeating to himself over and over that it was going to be okay, and that this was only a fever, but it wasn't _okay_ ; maybe for today it would be, or tomorrow, but in the end, nothing would ever be okay again without Frank, and Gerard could do nothing about it besides cry helplessly as he held onto Frank for dear life.


	12. You're Beginning To Drag The Ones You Love Down

Gerard sat by Frank's side in silence, having relocated from his previous position on the bed an hour ago, because Frank kept tossing and turning, and he had seemed to settle down some when Gerard had removed himself from under the covers, so now Gerard was perched on the edge of the mattress nervously, watching Frank with a wary eye as his mind was assaulted by worst case scenarios.

Gerard was falling apart right now, and no matter how hard he tried to hold the pieces of himself together, he was _shattering_ , breaking down under the weight of everything that had happened over the past two weeks, and no one was there to snap Gerard out of his destructive state this time, except Frank, who was currently lost in the realm of sleep, and Gerard couldn't bring himself to wake him, no matter how badly he ached to hear his voice, or to feel his warm arms encircling his waist.

A constant stream of tears had been pouring down Gerard's cheeks for the past thirty minutes, and no matter how many times he wiped them away, two more came to replace the ones he had shed, and Gerard had given up on the pointless effort some time ago, because no one could see him cry, so he didn't have to hide right now.

Gerard just felt so alone, so worthless, so _pathetic_ , and he couldn't stop the slew of self-hatred that was repeating over and over in his head, a never ending mantra that was slowly ripping Gerard to shreds, piece by agonizing piece.

_It's your fault_

_You could have saved him_

_But you didn't care_

_If you had only taken him to a doctor sooner_

_Now it's too late_

_Why are you watching over him like it will save him?_

_Stop lying to yourself_

_Nothing you do will ever help him_

_You aren't worthy of him_

_You should be the one dying instead of him_

Gerard clutched his aching temples in his hand as he whined low in his throat; the agonizing truth in his thoughts hurt so much, like physical wounds, and Gerard needed to do something to shut them up - _now_ \- before he went insane.

But Gerard's usual surefire method for silencing the voices in his head was to drink, and being the recovering alcoholic that he was, Gerard didn't have anything in his house, which left Gerard weak and defenseless as his mind continued to torment him.

Gerard sat there for another fifteen minutes, whimpering softly as the never ending assault continued, growing in intensity with each passing second, until Gerard couldn't take it anymore, and he launched himself to his feet, grabbing his phone before shutting himself in the bathroom so he wouldn't disturb Frank, but he was still close enough to hear him if he called out for Gerard.

When Gerard got like this, and he didn't have any alcohol on hand, he usually turned to the blade, but as tempting as the option seemed right now, Gerard had been clean for almost three months, and he didn't want to disappointment Frank by giving in after so long without, not before doing everything he could to resist that is.

Frank always took the urge away from Gerard, and simply hearing Frank's voice made Gerard forget about the allure of blood running down his arms entirely, but Gerard refused to wake Frank up just because he was so weak, so he turned to the only other person who had always been there when Gerard needed him most.

Gerard dialed his phone with fumbling fingers, pressing the device against his ear once it was ringing, and even though Gerard knew it was late, and the odds of the person he so desperately needed to talk to being awake were slim to none, Gerard had to try before he gave in to his fucked up head.

"Gerard?" Mikey's groggy voice broke through Gerard's thoughts, and Gerard felt like he could breathe again for the first time all night now that he had his brother with him, even though he wasn't actually present, and it was just a cell connection, but it was still good enough for now.

"Hey Mikes..." Gerard choked out, trying his best to hide the fact that he had been sobbing, even though he knew Mikey would be able to tell instantly.

"Gee...it's three in the morning, can this wait?" Mikey grumbled irritably, and Gerard _really_ wished it could, and he could shove his problems to the background for another day, but he honestly needed Mikey right now.

"I know Mikes - I'm sorry...I'm just - it's _bad_ , and I want to...like before," Gerard babbled out, and to anyone else but Mikey, Gerard would have been speaking nonsense, but Mikey knew Gerard, and he knew exactly what Gerard meant, because he had seen Gerard like this hundreds of times before.

"Hey - it's gonna be okay Gee, you are going to be okay. You called me right - so you don't want to do this, you don't _have_ to do this," Mikey begged softly, sounding much more awake than he had two seconds ago, his fear for Gerard instantly snapping him into consciousness like a bucket of cold water to the face.

"I know...I'm trying not to, but I'm so scared Mikes - I'm so _alone_ , and I hate this, and I can't - I'm not strong enough," Gerard sobbed softly, sinking down against the bathroom door dejectedly as another wave of tears assaulted him.

"What's wrong? I know you probably don't want to tell me, but I can't help you if I don't know," Mikey coaxed gently, and even though Mikey was trying to hide it, Gerard didn't miss the way his voice was trembling slightly, and he felt so fucking _guilty_ for making his little brother have to deal with something like this at such an ungodly hour.

Gerard shouldn't be doing this to Mikey, because he was the older one, which meant he was supposed to be Mikey's support, his role model, or _whatever_ , not the other way around, but for as long as Gerard could remember, their positions had been reversed, and Gerard depended on Mikey much more than Mikey did on him.

"It's Frank...he's _sick_...and I have been trying to work up the nerves to call you for ages so I could tell you, but I couldn't, and now - I don't know what I'm going to do..." Gerard stuttered out, and he knew he wasn't making any sense, but it was hard to speak when his chest felt like it was collapsing in on itself with every word, and talking about Frank was making the sensation a thousand times worse.

"I don't understand Gee...what's wrong with Frank. Is he okay - is he there with you?" Mikey asked, and even though the last thing Gerard wanted to do was explain Frank's condition right now, he knew he had to do it, because Mikey wasn't going to let him drop it.

"He's here, but he's asleep, and he's not okay. H-he's got a brain tumor, and it's inoperable, and he's _dying_ Mikes...and I think I'm dying too."

"What - Gerard, please tell me this is some sick joke?" Mikey gasped out, and the pain Gerard could hear in Mikey's voice made Gerard cry even harder, because Frank had been Mikey's best friend before he moved, and Gerard hadn't even had the curtesy to tell Mikey about what was happening, and although it had been out of fear, and not any ill intent on Gerard's part, he still felt horrible for dropping this on Mikey in such an insensitive fashion.

"I'm not - I'm so sorry, I should have told you the second I found out, but I haven't even accepted it yet, but that's no excuse. I'm sorry...I'll go..." Gerard whispered quietly, inching closer to the bathroom cabinet, in which he knew lay a fresh pack of shaving razors he had purchased the other day.

"No - don't you fucking dare hang up the phone Gerard. I know what will happen if you do, and I don't want you to hurt yourself okay? Just _please_ \- keep talking to me for a little while," Mikey pleaded, but Gerard was already drifting away from him, his attention attracted by the package he was turning over in his hand idly.

"I'm sorry Mikes...I shouldn't have called," Gerard mumbled distractedly, setting the phone down so he could tear open the box of razors with his teeth.

"Gee...please don't say that. I'm so fucking glad you called okay, and I want you to phone me any time you feel like this, but you can't shut me out right now, or you will do something that you'll regret."

"I - I _need_ to do it Mikes, because then everything will stop hurting for a little while, and I will be able to function again, and right now...right now I just can't, I can't even breathe, and Frank needs me, but I'm in here crying my eyes out like the selfish asshole I am," Gerard sighed heavily, because _really_ \- Gerard was disgusted with his behavior right now, but all thoughts of how Frank would react if he found out what Gerard was about to do had flown out his mind, and Gerard just wanted to get this over with so he could return to Frank's side where he belonged.

"Gee - listen to me. I want you to get out of the bathroom, because I know that's where you are, and I want you to go wake Frank up so he can be with you right now, because I don't want you alone, not when you are like this, and I know Frank feels the same way," Mikey's stern tone made Gerard jump slightly, the half opened box of razors tumbling from his hand and onto the floor, causing the metal blades to fall out of the package with an almost silent click as they hit the tile floor.

"I can't do that Mikes...he's _sick_ \- he has a fever right now, and he needs to sleep it off, and I need to learn to live without him anyway don't I," Gerard chuckled weakly, even though it was really more of a sob.

"He's still here right now Gee, and he loves you, and he doesn't want you to do this to yourself," Mikey persisted, but Gerard was done talking, his mind was completely focused on the blades laying directly in front of him. Gerard was already starting to feel a pleasant numbness as he stared at them, and he knew it would feel even better once he had actually made the first cut.

"I'm sorry Mikes, I love you..."

"Gerard - _I swear to god_ \- don't you dare hang up this fucking phone -" Gerard cut Mikey off by doing just that, ending the call abruptly before tossing his phone onto the counter carelessly.

A small part of Gerard's mind felt terrible for what he had just done to Mikey, because _really_ \- he had called him for help, and then completely ignored him when he tried to do just that; so in the end, he had woken him up at three in the morning, probably scared the shit out of him, and then hung up on him like he meant nothing to him, but Gerard was drowning in the much larger portion of his brain that was screaming all of the reasons why he should do this.

And even though Gerard knew he was seriously fucked up right now, and he wasn't thinking coherently at all, Gerard was too far gone to separate fact from the fiction woven by his mind, and he truly felt like he deserved to hurt - if he deserved anything at all, it was _this_.

Gerard was done arguing with himself, and he was so fucking _tired_ of putting on a brave face, so with a sigh of surrender, Gerard snatched one of the blades off the icy floor, pressing the cool metal against his wrist and making a decent sized gash before he could second-guess his actions.

Gerard breathed a sigh of relief as he watched the blood trail down his arm lazily, and it was as if all of his worries, and fears, and self-hatred were draining out of his body along with the crimson liquid, so Gerard made another cut, and _another_ , quickly losing himself in the stinging pain, and the hot blood, and the white noise that was filling his ears as he finally gave in to what his mind wanted him to do.

And if Gerard had been paying attention to what has happening around him, which he most definitely _wasn't_ , he would have heard a phone ringing in the nearby vicinity, and he might have caught Frank's voice speaking to someone in the adjacent bedroom, and he might have been aware of the soft footsteps rapidly approaching his current hiding place, but he missed all of that, so he wasn't prepared at all for the bathroom door to be flung open violently, or for the pair of warms arms that surrounded him, making Gerard drop the razor in surprise.

"Oh Gee... _why?_ " Frank sobbed quietly, and once Gerard recognized his voice, and the fact that Frank was here sunk in, and Gerard realized that he had caught him in one of his weakest moments, Gerard instantly snapped out of the haze he had been in, and reality came rushing back in like a wave crashing onto the shore.

"Frank..." Gerard whimpered, clutching his bloody arm to his chest in an attempt to hide his failure from his boyfriend, even though it was too late, and Frank would have to be blind not to have noticed.

"Why baby...why did you do it?" Frank whimpered, turning Gerard around so he could engulf him in a proper hug, making Gerard's pointless attempts at obscuring his mistake from Frank completely pointless.

"I - I don't know...I'm so sorry, and I thought you were asleep..." Gerard whispered guilty, trying his best to avoid Frank's eyes, because he couldn't stand to see the tears he could hear in Frank's voice right now, it would only make him feel even worse.

"I was...Mikey called me - he was worried about you, and _fuck_ \- I tried to make it in time, but..." Frank cut off abruptly, burying his face into Gerard's chest as he cried softly.

Gerard fucking _hated_ this - he hated making Frank cry, especially over something as stupid as this, but Gerard only had himself to blame, and he had to deal with the consequences of his actions, no matter how much he wanted to hide himself away and pretend like this had never happened.

Gerard had never quite understood why his habit of self-harming upset Frank so much, even more than his old alcohol addiction, but it _did_ , and Gerard _knew_ that, but he had still done it anyway, which made him pretty much the shitiest boyfriend in the world at the moment.

"I'm so sorry Frank, I just - I lost control, and I fucked up, and I'm _sorry_." Gerard wrapped his arms around Frank hesitantly, trying not to let his bloody arm touch Frank's white t-shirt, but Frank didn't seem to mind at all, if the way he pulled Gerard even closer to his body was any indication.

"It's okay Gee, but you should have woken me up - _fuck_ \- I wish you had, but at least let me clean your arm." Frank pulled away from Gerard, wiping his eyes with a shaky hand as he tried to get a better glimpse at Gerard's wounds.

"I can do it Frank - I'm _fine_ , and you need to go back to bed," Gerard insisted, but Frank simply ignored him, wetting a nearby washcloth before pressing it against Gerard's cuts gently.

"I will in a minute, but you are coming with me okay, and you are going to stay with me... _right?_ " Frank questioned warily, and when Gerard finally glanced up at Frank's eyes, the pain and fear he saw filling them hurt more than a physical blow, and Gerard knew he had to do something to make this up to his boyfriend, even if it was only a simple agreement to stay with Frank, because if that was what Frank wanted, Gerard wouldn't leave his side for the rest of the night.

"Okay...I promise."


	13. All My Walls Are Built And On Display

Frank bandaged up Gerard's arm with shaking hands, ignoring his quiet mutters about how he could do it himself, because Frank had to do this small thing. He had been too late to stop Gerard from hurting himself, so the least he could do was fix him up, especially since it had most likely been _his_ fault that Gerard had been feeling this way.

Frank felt like such a fucking _idiot_ for not noticing Gerard's distress sooner, because even though he obviously knew Gerard was upset about his condition, he had no idea that he was this broken up inside, but he should have been expecting this - he should have been able to stop Gerard. It didn't matter that he was sick, or asleep - Frank still felt like a failure who had abandoned Gerard when he needed him most.

Gerard hadn't even tried to wake him up - _no_ , he had turned to Mikey instead, and even though Frank was glad that he had reached out to someone, he was slightly hurt that he hadn't been Gerard's first choice, and it had taken Mikey's phone call for him to even be aware of the dangerous situation Gerard was in.

Fighting back tears, Frank finished cleaning Gerard's wounds, wrapping a stretch of gauze around them so he wouldn't bleed all over the sheets. Gerard's cuts were deep, deeper than they had been in quite some time, and Frank's stomach was churning violently as he tied off Gerard's bandage.

There was a hundred things Frank wanted to say to Gerard, but he couldn't seem to pick one out of his brain and force it past his tongue, and he was almost positive that he wouldn't be able to form words without bursting into tears or screaming obscenities, so instead, he held out his hand to Gerard, helping him off the cold tile floor before leading him back into the bedroom.

Frank stripped off his bloodstained shirt angrily, not wanting to look at the reminder of what had just occurred in the bathroom without his knowledge, tossing it into the corner without even attempting to hit the laundry basket. Gerard sent Frank an apologetic look before taking off his own shirt, which had a few splotches of crimson on it as well, but instead of remaining bare chested like Frank had, he rummaged around in the closet for a bit, returning with a long sleeved sweater to cover up what he had just done.

"Frank - _I'm sorry_ ," Gerard murmured once he was finished changing, his gazed fixed down at his feet instead of at Frank.

"I know... _just_ -" Frank trailed off as a sob caught in his throat, and he had to physically swallow it back down before he broke completely.

This just hurt so _fucking_ much, and Frank didn't know what he could possibly do to help Gerard when he was the source of his sorrow. Frank's presence was slowly poisoning Gerard, and what he had just done was proof of it, because if Frank wasn't here, Gerard wouldn't have hurt himself, at least, that was how it seemed to Frank.

"Frank... _please_ don't cry," Gerard begged, but it was too late, and tears began to stream down Frank's cheeks as he lost the internal war he was waging with himself. "I'm so sorry, and I hate that I made you upset, but I'm just a fuck up...and I - I'm so _scared_ , and I'm trying to be strong for you, but it's hard..." Gerard whimpered.

"Fucking hell Gee...you aren't a fuck up, and I'm not even crying because of what you did, even though I _hate_ it - don't get me wrong, but I don't understand why you didn't fucking wake me up," Frank snapped, even though he knew raising his voice wasn't going to help anything, but Frank was hurting, not to mention sick and tired, and he lost control of his temper before he could stop himself.

Gerard visibly flinched at Frank's harsh tone, which only succeeded in making Frank feel like the world's shitiest boyfriend, but it was too late to take back his actions, and Frank's frustration at himself only caused him to cry that much harder.

"Frank...please lay down, you are still sick, you need your rest," Gerard forced Frank to get into bed, and when he tried to retreat, Frank clutched onto his hand with all of his strength, pulling Gerard against the mattress roughly.

"Don't go - you _promised_ ," Frank choked out, throwing his arm over Gerard's torso as if that would prevent him from leaving.

"If that's what you want," Gerard sighed, his body stiff and uncomfortable under Frank's.

" _So_...are you going to answer my question?" Frank asked after a few minutes of awkward silence had passed, and he had finally gotten his sobs under control.

"Hmm?" Gerard hummed quietly, and Frank had to suppress a sigh of exasperation.

"The last time this happened, you _swore_ you would let me know whenever you felt like hurting yourself again...but you _didn't_ , and I want to know why." Frank sat up so he could see Gerard better, crossing his arms stubbornly when Gerard began glancing around the room, as if he was looking for something to distract Frank from the current conversation.

"Frank...can we talk about this in the morning - you still have a fever, and I really don't want to make it worse," Gerard argued, his hand reaching for the thermometer before Frank trapped it under his palm.

"Talking isn't going to make my temperature rise, and I'm already feeling better - so how about this, I will try and fall back asleep if you give me an answer, because fuck knows I'm not going to get any rest until I know."

"I - it's not that I didn't want to Frank," Gerard sighed, and Frank settled back down against the pillow with a satisfied grunt now that Gerard had finally given in, "but you were sick, and I just _couldn't._..I thought I was okay, and I tried not to do it - I called Mikey, but that made it worse, because I had to explain about your...tumor, and - _fuck_ Frank, I'm sorry," Gerard apologized again, and Frank was really getting tired of hearing those two words, because they meant nothing now.

"Gerard, I don't care if I'm asleep, or on my _fucking_ death bed, but you promised you would come to me, and my condition doesn't change that - okay?" Frank smiled, expecting Gerard to return his expression, and maybe agree with Frank before pulling him into his arms, but pretty much the complete opposite happened.

"Really Frank - it doesn't change anything, because it _really_ fucking does okay. Do you know how pathetic it makes me feel that I need to wake up my _dying_ boyfriend because I'm so messed up, I can't even handle a _fucking_ fever without doing something like this - I can't even stand myself right now, and I have no idea how you can," Gerard scoffed in disgust, and for some reason, Gerard's reaction set off a fuse in Frank's mind, and before Frank could think about what he was saying, his mouth was spitting out words without his brain's consent.

"God Gerard - did you even think about how I would feel when I found out, because I would, you _know_ I would. You think you are pathetic - well, at least I would turn to you if I was feeling that way, at least I _trust_ you enough to let you in, but apparently I'm such a terrible boyfriend, you have to hide all this shit away from me, because I can't handle it. You don't give a shit about my feelings, or that I have fucking _nightmares_ about walking in on you, sprawled out on the floor and bleeding from the wrist do you, and instead of coming to me when you fucking _promised_ you would, you leave me here - clueless and scared. What if you cut too deep, what if I didn't wake up when Mikey called me - oh _that's right_ \- you don't care," Frank spat out, a second round of tears filling his eyes, but he used his anger to burn them away.

When Frank glanced up at Gerard, his broken expression caused a physical spike of agony to erupt in Frank's chest. Frank knew he was only making this situation worse with his irrational fury, but he was terrified of what could have happened to Gerard if Frank hadn't managed to stop him before he got carried away, and Frank's method of dealing with that was to get pissed off, and even though he regretted the way his sentiments were coming out, he still meant every word of it.

"You know that's not true Frank..." Gerard whimpered quietly, and even though Frank knew he should really shut up and try to make this right before he broke something that couldn't be repaired, now that he had started this tirade, he couldn't stop.

"Then prove it Gerard - fucking _prove_ to me that you love me, that you can actually turn to me when you need help, because that's what boyfriends are supposed to do. I want to be there for you, I want to help you, but when you shut me out like this, I feel like I mean less than nothing to you."

"And what the hell am I supposed to do when you _die_ Frank - who am I going to have to help me then? Maybe I was trying to figure out how to deal with this on my own, because pretty fucking soon, I'm going to have to, so excuse me for thinking about my boyfriend's needs before my own, because _that_ is what boyfriends are supposed to do," Gerard snapped back, and Frank knew this argument was rapidly spiraling out of control, but they were both hurting, and angry, and Gerard was right when he said they should talk about this in the morning, but Frank had been too damn stubborn to listen, and he wasn't going to back down now.

"Well I'm not dead yet, but you might be if you keep this up - _fuck_ , I'm so pissed at you right now. One second you won't even talk about my condition, and the next you are throwing it back in my face. I know I'm toxic, and it's fucking killing me that you hurt yourself because of that, but that's no reason to not come to me while I'm still here," Frank cried, tears starting to fall again as he spoke.

"Well maybe I feel like I deserve this pain Frank, because it's basically my fault you are like this. I knew about your headaches for ages, but did I do anything about it - _no_ , because I'm a fucking idiot."

"God - you are fucking kidding me right?" Frank threw his hands up in the air in frustration, causing Gerard to flinch violently. "Oh - you think I'm going to hit you - _fucking hell_ Gerard, I'm not, I never would, I just can't believe you right now."

"I'm done with this," Gerard choked out, and even though Frank was still furious with Gerard, hearing those words caused Frank's heart to stop beating for a moment until Gerard spoke again. "Open your mouth," Gerard demanded.

"What?" Frank stammered out, his head too busy trying to figure out if Gerard was breaking up with him or not to process what he meant.

"Open your _fucking_ mouth so I can take your _fucking_ temperature," Gerard growled.

"Why do you care, aren't you leaving?" Frank pouted, trying to maintain a brave face so he could conceal his rising panic.

"Yes I am, because you need your rest, and I answered your question, so you are going to fucking get it, and that's not going to happen if I stay here right now."

"Are you coming back?" Frank mumbled around the thermometer Gerard had just shoved in his mouth warily.

"Yes Frank...I just need to cool off okay?" Gerard sighed, and even though Frank didn't want him to go, he knew that this was probably for the best.

"Okay...but you won't -"

"I'm not going to do anything stupid Frank," Gerard cut Frank off before he could finish his sentence.

The thermometer beeped just then, breaking the awkward tension in the room, and after examining it for a second, Gerard set it down on the nightstand before standing up and heading out of the room without a backward glance.

Before Frank had a chance to process the fact that Gerard had left, he was suddenly back, and Frank's heart jumped into his throat when he caught sight of Gerard. Even though he had only been gone for barely a minute, Frank had missed him already, and he was two seconds away from apologizing for everything, but Gerard beat him too it, just not in the way he wanted.

"Here - drink this." And it was only then that Frank noticed what Gerard held in his hand, which was a capful of what Frank could only assume to by NyQuil, which meant that he hadn't come back to Frank, he was just giving him some medicine before he left.

Frank opened his mouth to say something, to apologize maybe, or to beg Gerard to stay, but his tongue weighed heavy in his mouth, and he couldn't force the words out, no matter how badly he wanted to.

"Thanks..." is what came out instead, and as soon as Frank had taken the medicine, Gerard was gone, and even though he had promised he would come back, Frank wasn't sure how trustworthy Gerard's word was anymore.

Now that Frank's anger had diminished from its previous inferno into a fluttering spark that was quickly dying out, Frank realized how fucking _stupid_ he had been, and honestly, he had no idea why he had said all of those things, or what had possessed him to continue to goad Gerard when it was obvious that he was sorry, but Frank had never been good with confrontations, and his exhaustion, and terror for Gerard, and his overall frustration with his situation had reached a head all at once, and everything Frank had been stuffing deep inside himself had exploded out of him in a torrent of hateful words.

Frank knew he needed to fix this, because Gerard had a bad habit of overthinking everything, just like Frank had the bad habit of overreacting, and putting those two things together could never create a good outcome, but after everything that had been said, maybe they did need some time alone to think about things before they hurt each other even more.

And even though Frank hated sleeping without Gerard, and he ached to chase after him and beg him to come back, the medicine was already kicking in, and Frank found himself drifting off while bitter tears trailed down his cheeks in a never ending torrent.


	14. Learning To Heal With A Heart Wide Open

Frank woke up alone, to empty sheets, and an aching heart, and the painful realization that Gerard hadn't come back to him, which _really_ fucking hurt, so much so that Frank didn't even want to attempt to move, he _couldn't_ move, because if he did, he would have to own up to his mistakes from last night, and Frank was so afraid of facing Gerard after everything he had said.

Frank regretted his outburst, and even though he had meant most of what he had so thoughtlessly spewed out, he never should have voiced it in such an aggressive manner, and he would do _anything_ to take it back, but it was too fucking late for that, and it was only now that his temper had dissipated that Frank realized what an idiot he had been.

Frank knew mouthing off to Gerard never helped, if anything, it only made things worse, but Frank got so frustrated when Gerard tried to shut him out, and sometimes, he couldn't control himself, but he should have been able to, he should have simply left it alone until the morning when he was thinking more rationally, but Frank wasn't always the most logical person in the world, and it had really come back to bite him in the ass today.

Frank felt exhausted, both mentally and physically, and he didn't feel up to the task of fixing all of this, if Gerard even gave him the chance to that is, but Frank knew that he couldn't put this off, and he would never forgive himself if he didn't set things right with Gerard, because this had been Frank's fault for lashing out.

Gerard was fragile, and he hated harsh words and arguments, and even though Frank had explained in the past that he was never truly angry at him, Gerard didn't seem to understand the fact that Frank needed to let off steam, that every now and then, he needed to yell, or get pissed off, even though it was rare that Frank felt the urge to do so with Gerard.

Gerard's self-harm always set Frank off though, because Frank _really_ fucking hated it, and the only thing that upset him more was when Gerard tried to hide it from him, like he had done last night. Frank was aware that Gerard would probably have told him eventually, because they weren't in the habit of keeping secrets from each other, but that wasn't what Frank wanted.

Frank just didn't understand why Gerard hadn't come to him for help, because sick or not - _dying_ or not, Frank was supposed to be there for Gerard. He wanted to be his lifeline, his protector, and having Gerard take that chance away from him made Frank feel like nothing more than a burden to his boyfriend.

Frank could see why Gerard hadn't woken him up, his reasoning did make sense, but it didn't make Frank feel any better. Just because he had a brain tumor didn't make him useless, _not yet_ anyway, and Frank could already feel Gerard pulling away from him, treating him more as a patient than a lover, and that was what really got under Frank's skin, and what was probably the reason for his unexpected outburst last night.

Not to mention that Frank had been scared, so fucking _scared_ , and Frank didn't know how to react to the overwhelming terror that filled his chest every time he pictured Gerard destroying his perfect skin with a blade, so his first instinct had been to yell, to hide his fears behind a tough persona, and even though that had obviously been the wrong choice, Frank hadn't been able to control himself in the moment.

But for some reason, Frank hadn't been able to put his frustrations and fears into words, and he had ended up hurting Gerard, instead of just telling him why he was so upset, and really, Frank felt like the _worst_ fucking boyfriend in the world right now, and he wouldn't blame Gerard if he never wanted to speak to him again.

But Frank wasn't going to allow that to happen - he _couldn't_ , especially not now, when his time left on this earth was so limited, and he didn't want to waste a second of it. Each minute that passed without Gerard was pointless, so Frank had to go and apologize to him before it was too late.

So Frank heaved himself out of bed with a groan, trying his best to ignore the way his muscles twinged in protest, not to mention the steadily growing ache in his temples, which Frank really hoped was brought on by a lack of sleep combined with his worry over Gerard, and not something much more serious, but whatever, it could wait - Gerard was much more important at the moment.

With determination strengthening his steps, Frank trudged downstairs slowly, rubbing his eyes wearily as he tried to decide exactly what to say to Gerard, if he was even around that is. Frank knew he had to apologize - _hell_ , he would get down on his knees and grovel if that's what it took to get Gerard to forgive him, but Frank also had to make Gerard understand that he didn't want to be pushed to the side, and that Frank needed to know if Gerard ever felt like self-harming again.

Gerard had been clean for so long, and even though Frank should have been expecting this ever since his diagnosis, he had been caught off guard by Gerard's relapse, and now he was even more worried for what would happen to Gerard when he wasn't around, but that was something that Frank couldn't change, so he was going to do everything in his power to help Gerard as long as he was able.

Frank stopped abruptly on the bottom step of the small staircase leading up to the bedroom, his breath catching in his throat for a moment, because there in the kitchen was Gerard, eating a bowl of cereal with a forlorn look on his face.

Frank had been so sure that Gerard would have left, even though this was his house, so Frank had no idea where he would have gone, but _still_ , seeing Gerard sitting in front of him caused a blossom of hope to unfurl in Frank's chest. Gerard hadn't abandoned him, even though he could have - he _should_ have, but he was still here, and Frank suddenly felt unworthy of the love Gerard so selfless gave him, but he wanted to try and be good enough for Gerard, and he was going to start right now.

Frank took a second to observe Gerard unnoticed, taking in the delicate way he brought the spoon to his mouth, how his long fingers wrapped around the object casually, and even though this was an everyday occurrence, and watching Gerard eat wasn't anything special, it was to Frank, because he loved this man so much, and something as menial as this had become so important ever since Frank had learned of his condition.

Gerard looked tired, and he was still in the same clothes he had been wearing last night, which meant that he probably hadn't left the house; if anything, he had most likely spent his time away from Frank downstairs, but Frank really didn't care if he had taken off or not, because he was back now, and that was all that mattered.

"Hey," Frank whispered quietly, taking another step toward his boyfriend tentatively.

Gerard's head whipped up suddenly, and the soft smile he graced Frank with had his heart fluttering rapidly in his chest, but Gerard quickly broke the moment by jumping to his feet and rushing over to Frank's side, abandoning his half eaten bowl of cereal in the process.

"How are you feeling - are you sure you should be up? Just wait here for a second, I'm going to grab the thermometer," Gerard rambled, pressing the back of his hand to Frank's forehead in an attempt to gauge his internal temperature.

"No Gerard, I'm _fine_ \- okay? I'm pretty sure my fever is gone," Frank sighed, trying to tamp down the sudden blossom of irritation that had been brought on by Gerard's words. Frank knew that Gerard was just worried about him, but this nursemaid routine was getting _really_ old, and Frank wanted to focus on something besides his health for two minutes.

"Gee - stop... _please?_ Can we just sit down for a little, maybe talk?" Frank asked, grabbing onto Gerard's wrist with a firm grip to stop him from darting upstairs, making sure to avoid his injured arm.

"I - yeah, okay...but I still want to make sure your fever has broken afterward," Gerard reluctantly agreed, leading Frank over to the kitchen table as he spoke. "Are you hungry - I can make you something," Gerard began digging through the cabinets idly, glancing back at Frank as he waited for an answer.

"I can make my own breakfast Gerard," Frank groaned, proving his point by walking over to the refrigerator and grabbing a muffin.

"Okay...I'm sorry, I was just trying to help," Gerard sighed, sitting back down with a soft thump. Frank instantly felt guilty for his attitude, because this wasn't how his apology was supposed to go at all, and he really needed to turn this conversation around before it evolved into another fight.

"No Gee... _I'm sorry_ \- okay, sorry about last night, and the way I spoke to you, and I just want to make sure everything is okay before I worry about food, or my temperature, or anything else."

"I - it's okay, I deserved it, and I shouldn't have done what I did, so you had every right to yell at me." Gerard shifted uncomfortably as he spoke, tugging on the sleeve of his long sleeved shirt to make sure the evidence of last night was covered completely.

" _No_ \- that's not what I meant, and I'm going to try and explain myself without getting pissed off, and I want you to listen to me - _really_ listen," Frank stated in a firm tone of voice, trying to maintain eye contact with Gerard so he would realize how important this was.

"Okay..." Gerard finally answered, but he still refused to look at Frank, choosing to stare down into his now soggy cereal instead.

"Baby...come here," Frank sighed out, standing up quickly so he could engulf Gerard in a loving embrace. Gerard's slender fingers dropped the spoon he had been playing with so he could return Frank's affectionate actions, and _there_ was the smile Frank was looking for.

"I don't want you to be upset with me..." Gerard whispered into the crook of Frank's neck, his body trembling slightly with unshed tears.

"I'm not love, and I never could be - in fact, you are the one who should be chewing me out. I was an ass to you last night, and I wasn't thinking. I was just tired, and scared, and stupid, but I wasn't angry with you, never with you..." Frank whispered in a soothing tone of voice, stroking Gerard's hair gently until he felt him relax against his body.

"I don't understand...I fucked up, and you should be pissed with me." Gerard pulled away from Frank for a moment, but he simply dragged him onto his lap before wrapping his arms around him again.

"No baby, you didn't fuck up... _I did_. That is why I was so upset, because you didn't let me help you, and in the past, you always used to come to me, and even if I couldn't stop you, at least I tried, but this time, you didn't even tell me how you were feeling, and that hurt me, so I lashed out at you because I felt unwanted," Frank admitted, feeling a weight lifting off his chest now that he had finally gotten the words out in the proper way.

"I know...I thought about what you said all night, and I should have come to you, but I just _couldn't_ Frank. I felt too guiltily, because you have so much other shit to deal with right now, and I didn't want to be a burden."

"I don't want things to be that way Gerard, I hate this tumor, and _yes_ \- it fucking sucks that I'm going to die, but I don't want that to change our relationship, and it has Gee...it _really_ has. I don't want to be someone you have to take care of, I want to be your _boyfriend_ , someone who you can still turn to if you need it. I know that's hard for you now, but I need you to try and pretend that I'm fine, especially when you are hurting, because it's killing me that you don't think your problems are important - they are Gee, so _fucking_ important...okay?" Frank clasped Gerard's hands in his when he was finished speaking, his heart racing as he waited for what Gerard would say next.

"Okay...I'm sorry, I have been acting differently, and I shouldn't be, but Frank..."

"Yeah?" Frank finally spoke up when it became apparent that Gerard was having trouble continuing.

"What am I supposed to do when you are gone?" Gerard's voice trembled wildly, and Frank tightened his grip on Gerard's hands, trying his best to calm him with his touch. This was the topic that Frank had been dreading, because Frank had no control over what happened to Gerard after he passed away, so all he could do was try and give Gerard hope, and maybe that would be enough.

"You keep living love, for the both of us, and you reach out to people when you need them, like Mikey - or _whoever_ , because even though I'm dying, I refuse to let you die with me. You are the most amazing person in the world Gee, and you are strong - stronger than you think, and even though it won't be easy, I can't bear the thought of you following me into death - okay? I want you to do all of the things we always talked about; start a band, move away from Jersey, become a famous artist, _fuck_ Gee - you can do anything, so don't rob the world of that."

"But...Frankie - you are my lifeline, you have saved me so many fucking times, and I don't know if I can do this without you. My mind is so fucked up, and when I am alone, it takes over, and I don't want to have to face this world without you..." Gerard mumbled softly, leaning his head against Frank's shoulder wearily as he spoke.

"I'm not gone yet Gee, and I might have longer than we think. Even the doctor said I was in a miraculous state, and while I am still here, I want to help you - okay?" It was true, and even though Frank was starting to feel some ill effects of his condition, he wasn't blind yet, and his coordination was still passable. It had already been three weeks since his diagnosis, so he could easily see himself surviving the next few months.

"Okay - I'm so sorry Frank, I didn't meant to hurt you by hiding what I did, and I won't do it again," Gerard choked out, nuzzling his head against Frank's in an affectionate gesture.

"Thank you baby, and I swear, I will always be there for you, and even though I have no idea what death is like, I will find some way to watch over you, even if I have to turn into a ghost - _actually_ \- that would be pretty fucking cool," Frank chuckled weakly.

"You better," Gerard giggled, pressing a soft kiss to the top of Frank's head lovingly. The two lapsed into silence after that, and even though there was more that Frank could say, he was pretty sure that he had made his point, and he didn't want to push Gerard any further today.

So Frank snuggled into Gerard's arms gratefully, trying his best to soak up this rare occurrence of absolute peace. This was Frank's heaven, and death was going to take that away from him, instead of bringing him to it, so Frank had to absorb every second he had with Gerard, because no matter what Frank had said, he wasn't sure how much longer he truly had, so he was determined to make the most of it.

And in that moment, everything was okay again - _more_ than okay actually, and all of Frank's fears, and irritation, and helplessness drained out his body like water through a sieve. Frank knew everything wouldn't be perfect all of a sudden, and he wouldn't be surprised if he ended up having this conversation with Gerard sometime in the near future, but that was just fine with Frank, because he would do anything for Gerard, and as long as Gerard understood that, then the whole mess that had been last night was worth this conclusion.


	15. Tell Me How To Keep This So It Never Ends

"Hey Gee, have you checked your phone lately?" Frank asked, causing Gerard to poke his head around the barrier that separated the kitchen from the living room, sending his boyfriend a quizzical look as he stirred the bowl of pancake batter he was clutching in his hands slowly, because breakfast for dinner was one of Frank's favorite meals, and Gerard had decided to make it for him as his way of an apology for last night.

"Um...no, not today I don't think, why?"

"Um...well Mikey just texted me, and apparently he is on his way here, he is already on the train," Frank chuckled weakly.

" _What_ \- let me see," Gerard huffed out, setting down the bowl and mixing spoon on the counter before walking to Frank's side, Frank moving over on the couch to make room for Gerard, holding out his phone so Gerard could see the message.

_"Hey Frank, I'm on my way back to Jersey, the train has already left, so tell Gee he can't talk me out of it. See you soon."_

"What the hell...fucking Mikey," Gerard grumbled, handing Frank back his phone so he could bury his face in his hands as he contemplated his brother's unexpected visit.

It wasn't that Gerard didn't want to see Mikey, because he _did_ , he just didn't want to face the inevitable questions about Frank's condition, or the sad stares he was sure that they would both receive, or the barely disguised pity that would be lacing his brother's voice every time he spoke, not to mention that Mikey probably knew what Gerard had done last night, and Gerard didn't want to face the disappointment that was sure to be written all over his face.

"Aw come on Gee, it will be nice to spend some time with him again," Frank nudged his boyfriend affectionately, trying to get him to sit up and look at him properly.

"I know...it's not that, it's just..."

" _Me_ \- I know, you don't want him to talk about me being sick," Frank finished Gerard's thought, and all Gerard could do was nod weakly in response. "Look, I'll text him, tell him not to bring it up unless we do, and it will be fine."

"No...don't do that, he deserves to know more than the shitty explanation I gave him last night, he is your friend too after all," Gerard sighed, standing up wearily so he could go back to the half-done pancakes that were awaiting him in the kitchen.

"Cheer up Gee," Frank pouted, trailing after him determinedly, and Gerard didn't miss the way he faltered slightly when he got up, and even though it was probably nothing, Gerard's mind instantly jumped to one of the symptoms that Frank should begin experiencing soon, which was loss of coordination.

"I'm sorry, I know I will be happy when he gets here, it just caught me by surprise, that's all," Gerard shrugged, because that was really all it was, and he had been meaning to invite Mikey down for ages; he hadn't seen him in almost a month now, so this was a good thing, and Gerard was doing his best to get over his sense of unease about the whole ordeal.

"Okay, well I'm going to go get changed, and then we should probably head down to the station to pick him up," Frank grinned, taking the bowl of batter from Gerard and placing it in the fridge since it was no longer needed.

"I guess I should freshen up too..." Gerard agreed.

"We could shower together, it would save some time," Frank suggested with a cheeky grin on his face, earning himself a playful eye roll from Gerard.

"Bullshit, if we do that, we will be late for sure," Gerard scoffed, placing his arm around Frank's waist lightly when he stumbled walking up the stairs, trying to keep his face neutral so Frank wouldn't catch on to the worried looks he was shooting in his direction.

"True...so I'll take a rain check on that then," Frank chuckled, leaning into Gerard's hold heavily until they made it up the last few steps.

\---------------------------------------------

An hour and a half later, Frank and Gerard were situated outside of the train station, Gerard standing up so he could get a better view of the passengers exiting through the narrow doors while Frank sat beside him on a metal bench, claiming he was just a little bit tired, but Gerard didn't miss the pained expression in his eyes that meant another headache was on the way.

"Ugh...where is he, I need to get you home," Gerard groaned, trying to pick out a lanky, glasses sporting boy among the masses.

"I'm fine Gee, _honest_ , and I'm sure he will be here any minute," Frank reassured him for the third time tonight, grasping Gerard's hand in his and dragging himself to his feet wearily, using Gerard as support.

"I know, you just don't look too good, and don't even try and lie to me and say you are fine, because you are in pain, I can tell," Gerard mumbled softly, wrapping his arms around Frank lovingly as he spoke.

"I would still be hurting if I was at home Gee, and I took some meds before we left, so they will kick in soon, and -"

"Gee!" Frank was cut off by none other than Mikey, who threw himself into Gerard's arms with an excited cry, encircling Frank into his embrace as well, and Frank couldn't hold back a snort when he caught sight of Gerard's stunned face.

"Holy shit Mikes - you scared the crap out of me," Gerard chuckled, his expression quickly transforming into a grin when he realized that he was being hugged by his brother, and not some random stranger.

"That was sort of the point," Mikey teased, pulling away from their group hug after a moment. "Hey Frank, long time no see," Mikey greeted his friend, and even though his voice shook slightly, he didn't show any other signs that he knew of Frank's condition, much to Gerard's relief.

"I know, way too fucking long man, you really need to come down here more often."

"Yeah I do, I'm sorry for not visiting sooner, but Pete took me on vacation with his family to Florida, and I only just got back," Mikey grinned, and now that Gerard was observing Mikey more closely, he did look unusually tan, and a wide grin split his face in two as soon as he mentioned Pete.

"Pete...you are still seeing that boy?" Gerard asked, crossing his arms in a _mostly_ joking manner as his protective older brother side reared its head, because he had never liked Pete much, he seemed like a bit of a fuck-boy who wore way too much eyeliner, but Mikey was smitten with him, so he couldn't be that bad.

"Yes Gee, I am, and he's really nice if you would give him a chance," Mikey sighed, obviously picking up on the distaste in Gerard's tone.

"As long as he keeps my little brother happy, he's cool with me," Gerard agreed, because he had only met Pete twice, so it wasn't like he really knew him, and he didn't want to spend Mikey's whole visit nitpicking his weird emo lump of a boyfriend.

"Good - now, I'm fucking starving, can we go get something to eat?" Mikey asked, hefting his full backup up over his shoulder as he spoke.

"Yeah sure, what did you have in mind," Gerard smiled, his mood instantly elevated now that he was reunited with his brother once again.

"Pancakes!" Frank chimed in before the younger Way brother had a chance to speak up.

"Pancakes sound amazing," Mikey agreed.

\---------------------------------------------

"For being named The Waffle House, this place has amazing pancakes, they should change their name to _The Pancake House_ ," Mikey mumbled around a mouthful of food, causing Gerard to almost choke on his own helping of hash browns

"There is already one of those, IHOP, the international house of pancakes," Gerard retorted, nudging his brother playfully as he continued to devour his food at an inhuman pace - _seriously_ , Gerard had forgotten how much Mikey could eat, even though no one would ever guess that by looking at his skinny frame.

"Eh - it's not exactly the same, and this place is way better than IHOP anyway," Mikey scoffed, and Gerard nodded his head rapidly in agreement.

Gerard was amazed that Mikey hadn't brought up Frank's condition yet, or Gerard's choice of long sleeves on such a hot evening; instead, they had been swapping pointless small talk, and even though Gerard knew the questions and serious discussions would come later, Gerard was truly enjoying this time with his brother, and he felt like an idiot for not asking him to come down sooner.

"Hey Frank...is your food okay?" Mikey asked, and when Gerard glanced to his left, he noticed that Frank's plate was still untouched, which wasn't like Frank at all, especially when breakfast food was involved.

"Yeah...sorry, I just spaced out there." Frank shook his head groggily, picking up his fork and taking a small bite of his pancakes.

Gerard continued to watch Frank out of the corner of his eye as Mikey began describing his trip to Disney World with Pete, and even though Frank looked unnaturally pale, and his hand was shaking lightly, he perked up as he began to eat, even popping in with a question for Mikey every now and then.

Gerard regretted not taking Frank straight home after they had picked up Mikey, but he had seemed much better on the car ride over here, and he had thrown a fit when Gerard suggested that he could finish making the pancakes at home if he wasn't feeling up to going out, but Frank had made it very clear this morning that he didn't want be babied, so Gerard was doing his best to tamp down on his overprotect instincts, and their meal was almost over anyway, so he could get Frank in bed as soon as they were done.

Before long, their plates were clean, and Gerard had paid the bill after fending off an adamant Mikey who was demanding that he cover it, but there was no way that Gerard was letting his baby brother pay for dinner, especially not after he had made the effort to come down and visit them, and finally, Mikey agreed.

After leaving a tip on the table, they exited the restaurant, stepping into the muggy summer air as they headed over to Gerard's car, which was situated on the other side of the restaurant due to the place being surprisingly packed tonight.

"God...I'm so full I think I need to hibernate for a week," Mikey groaned, rubbing his stomach in an over-exaggerated manner that had Gerard giggling quietly.

"I don't see you for a month, and the first thing you want to do when you visit is fall into a food coma?" Gerard teased, lacing his fingers through Frank's as they walked across the busy parking lot.

"What else are brothers for?" Mikey chuckled, coming to a halt in front of Gerard black Chevy as he waited for Gerard to unlock the vehicle.

"Gee," Frank gasped quietly, his grip on Gerard's hand suddenly becoming painfully tight.

"Frankie...you okay?" Gerard questioned worriedly, but he could tell by a glance that he wasn't; his skin was clammy, and he was visibly trembling, his back leaning against the car as he eyes fluttered shut, the skin around them creasing in pain.

" _Hurts_...fuck Gee, it really hurts," Frank whined, his hands flying up to grip his head as his knees buckled, his body sliding down the car slowly before Gerard stopped his descent by hooking his arms around his small frame.

"Sugar...can you look at me?" Gerard asked, motioning for Mikey with his hand wildly.

"What's wrong?" Mikey asked in a hushed voice, his eyes wide with terror as he took in Frank's trembling frame.

"Frank, do you have your meds with you, are they in the car?" Gerard pressed gently, fishing his keys out of his pocket one handed before tossing them to Mikey, who instantly understood that he needed to search the car for Frank's pain pills.

"I - I don't remember, Gee...make it stop," Frank begged his breathing quickening rapidly as another wave of pain wracked his thin body.

"Okay baby, just hold on, I'm going to take you to the hospital," Gerard whispered, lifting Frank up off the ground gingerly as he pulled the car door open, breathing a sigh of relief when he saw Mikey already in the driver's seat with the engine on.

"Drive Mikes," Gerard ordered as soon as he was seated with Frank spread out across his lap, and his brother instantly complied, stepping on the gas as he took off down the all too familiar route to the hospital.

"It's okay Frankie, five more minutes, and then we will get you some help," Gerard tried to soothe his suffering boyfriend, ignoring the terror that was slowly wrapping around his heart as Frank whimpered softly.

"Gee...I - it's too much," Frank cried, hot tears spilling down his cheeks as he curled in on himself weakly.

"I know baby... _I know_ , it's almost over, the doctor will make it stop soon," Gerard choked out.

"I'm so sorry," Frank gasped, his hands clawing at his hair as he spoke.

"Don't you dare apologize love, it's okay...everything is okay," Gerard murmured, removing Frank's hands gently before replacing them with his own, massaging his temples lightly in a way that he hoped would alleviate some of the pain. "Is this hurting you?" Gerard asked warily, unsure if his usually methods for helping Frank's headaches would work on one this large.

"No...keep doing that," Frank sighed, some of the tension leaving his muscles as Gerard kept up the motions with his hand.

"Almost there," Mikey informed the two in a low voice, and Gerard nodded to show that he had heard him, even though he wasn't sure if Mikey could see him in the rearview mirror or not.

"Just hold on sugar," Gerard whispered, trying to hold back the choking sobs that were threatening to escape his throat, because he couldn't lose it now, not until Frank was safe inside the hospital.

And even though Gerard didn't want to think about it, he couldn't help but wonder if this was Frank's last visit to this place, because this might be the time that Frank didn't make it back home, and even though that day was coming soon, he prayed that it wasn't today, because he couldn't handle that yet - well, not _ever_ actually, but Frank had to make it through tonight, he just _had_ to.


	16. Brother If You Have The Time To Pick Me Up

Gerard was so tired of this hospital: the white walls that hurt his eyes, the strange smell which was a combination of bleach and some shitty air freshener, the fake reassuring smiles, the sight of Frank lying against stark white sheets that made him look even sicker than he was, Gerard hated every second of it, but unfortunately, there was no escaping it.

Frank was still alive - _thank fuck_ , but he wasn't recovering, he wasn't getting any better, not that he was ever supposed to, but Gerard couldn't stop hoping that their next visit would yield an unexpected result, and he would hear the doctor exclaim in surprise when he found that Frank's tumor had miraculously shrunken away to nothing, but of course that hadn't happened.

The tumor hadn't moved Frank's brain though - _not yet_ anyway, and that _'yet'_ was what was killing Gerard, because they had dodged the bullet this time, but one day soon, there would be no avoiding it, and it would rip through their perfect life together, bringing agony and eternal loneliness in its wake, the shrapnel spiraling outwards in a never ending wave of ruination that was sure to bring Gerard to his knees with the force of it, if not to his grave.

They had escaped this time though, Frank's pain being brought on by a large amount of fluid surrounding the tumor, which the doctor had managed to successfully drain away, but Frank's time was fading fast, and Gerard had been advised to leave Frank in the hospital until the end, whenever that was, so they could keep him doped up on morphine and whatever else they had pumping through his IV, but Gerard didn't want Frank's last days to be spent here, not unless that's what he wanted.

Gerard was truly at a loss for what to do now, this recent episode making reality hit home harder than ever before. Each time Gerard thought he had accepted Frank's condition, he found himself proven wrong, and he was really getting tired of all of this, the ups and downs, the highs and lows - it was too much, and Gerard wished he could just pick a side and stick with it, but that obviously wasn't going to happen.

Whenever he closed his eyes, Gerard saw Frank's small form wracked with pain, his hands clutching at his head weakly as he cried for Gerard to make it stop, and Gerard wanted it to, but only death would end this for Frank, and _fuck_ \- that just wasn't fair at all.

He didn't have long now, and Gerard knew that, even before the doctor had informed him that they would be lucky if Frank lived a few more weeks, and although that was a much wider time frame than he had originally been given, it wasn't enough, it would _never_ be enough, and even though the last thing Gerard wanted was for Frank to suffer, he couldn't lose him either - _not yet_.

At least Frank wasn't hurting at the moment, well - Gerard prayed that he wasn't, the drugs in his system had knocked him out cold, and he had been sleeping peacefully for quite some time now. Gerard's gaze hadn't moved from his chest, timing the rise and fall of his breaths to make sure that he didn't slip away while Gerard was caught unaware.

"Gee..." Mikey's voice seemed to come from a great distance, and honestly, Gerard had almost forgotten his brother was in the room with him, he had been so lost in his own little world of pity and sorrow that everything else had slipped his mind.

"Hmm?" Gerard hummed noncommittally, not sure if he was up to speaking just yet, in case the tears he had been holding at bay for the past few hours finally broke free of the fragile barrier he had erected around his emotions.

"Are you okay?" Mikey asked after a long pause, during which he was presumably searching for something to say to fill the awkward silence, something to cheer Gerard up, something to make this better, even though there was nothing he could do about that at this point.

Gerard felt guilty for dragging Mikey into this, even though it wasn't his fault, or Frank's, but still, Gerard could sense how uncomfortable his younger brother was here, back in this hospital which both of them had hoped to never visit again, back where memories of Elena hung in the air like silent ghosts of days past, days neither of them wanted to remember, but now they were both forced to relive them, as well as add to them.

Mikey had been thrown into this headfirst, learning all of the gritty details about Frank's condition without Gerard having to explain them, which was a weight off of Gerard's chest in a way, but it also hurt so _fucking_ much when he watched Mikey's face fall as the doctor delivered the grim news.

Gerard wanted Mikey to know what was happening, but he also wanted to protect him from all of this, because he didn't need to watch his friend die, not after having to go through the same thing with Elena, but it was too late for that now, and Mikey was irrevocably tied up in Frank's fate.

"I'm fine," Gerard mumbled, which was the biggest lie in the world, and Mikey knew that as well.

Gerard was anything but fine, he was _fucked_ , seconds away from breaking apart into a million pieces that he would never be able to meld back together into a functioning human being, and only the fact that Frank was still alive, and that he would most likely wake up soon kept Gerard from dissolving into hysterics at the moment.

"Bullshit...because I feel like crap right now, so I can't even imagine how you feel," Mikey huffed out, crossing and uncrossing his lanky legs nervously, trying to get comfortable in the stiff hospital chair.

"Okay - _fine_ , I feel like crap too, but I'm okay, at least for now," Gerard shrugged, his gaze never leaving Frank's slumbering form.

"I'm sorry..." Mikey whispered softly, and the utter desolation in his tone actually caused Gerard to shoot him a worried look, because as much as he didn't want to take his eyes away from Frank, Mikey needed his attention too right now.

"Why - because he's dying? It's not your fault, and it's not anything you need to apologize for."

"No...well _yes_ , but that's not what I meant. I'm sorry for visiting you with no warning, I'm sorry for making him come out, I'm sorry because I feel like...if I hadn't come, Frank would still be fine, or at least better off than he is now," Mikey choked out, unshed tears swimming behind his bespectacled eyes.

"Mikes - _hey_...look at me," Gerard smiled, trying his best to hide his pain to comfort his baby brother. "None of this was your fault, and his headache would have happened either way, whether we were at home, or out with you. Frank is ecstatic that you are here, and he wouldn't want you doing this...so don't blame yourself, please?"

"I know, I'm sorry - I'm just being stupid...I just - I didn't realize how bad Frank was, and I guess...I don't know. I don't want him to die Gee...I - I -" Mikey was trembling now, trying his hardest to hold back the sobs that Gerard could see shaking his frame with the urge to be released.

"It's okay Mikey, you can cry - fuck knows I did, and have, so you can let go - okay?" And that was all it took for the floodgates to open, and within seconds, tears began pouring down Mikey's face in a never ending torrent, and soon enough, Gerard's joined as well, his arms wrapping around his younger brother as they wept over the unfairness of life, and the soon to be loss of the amazing person that was Frank Iero.

Gerard had no idea how long they stayed like that, embracing each other as they released the sorrow that had been threating to choke them, but when it was over, and their tears began to ebb, Gerard actually felt lighter for once, some of the ever present tension had been eroded away by his sobs, not to mention Mikey's presence, and for once, Gerard didn't feel so alone, or helpless, even though nothing had changed, but sharing this moment with Mikey had made this entire situation a bit easier to bear.

"God - I'm sorry Gee, you shouldn't be comforting me, if anything, it should be the other way around," Mikey sniffled, wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket as he pulled away from Gerard's hold reluctantly.

"You are my baby brother, I'm always going to be there for you, and just you being here is helping more than you know," Gerard chuckled weakly, retreating back to his own chair once he had hidden the evidence of his tears.

"I should have been here sooner, I should have called earlier, but at least I am getting some time with you both before...well - yeah," Mikey trailed off abruptly, seemingly unwilling to voice the truth, and Gerard shared his reluctance.

"It's my fault, I should have told you the second I found out, but I _couldn't_ \- it was too hard, and the way it finally came out was shitty, and I know I've been a terrible brother lately, but thank you for forgiving me without me even having to ask."

"That's my job, and I don't blame you, I couldn't even imagine how I would react if Pete was dying, and we haven't been dating for half as long as you and Frank - so I understand, but Gee...did you... _you know_ \- hurt yourself last night?" Mikey asked quietly, and even though Gerard knew this question was coming, he still flinched violently, his fingers clutching at the edge of his long sleeved shirt to make sure his bandaged arms were hidden, and that was all the answer Mikey needed, but Gerard owed him more than that.

"I - I _did_...Frank was sick, well _sicker_ \- he had a fever, and I panicked, I don't know why, but I felt so alone, and I didn't know what to do. I shouldn't have hung up on you, _fuck_ \- I probably shouldn't have even called you, but thank you for waking Frank up. He stopped me before it went too far - _fuck_ , he was pissed too, we haven't fought like that in ages, but we are better now, and I'm better, so thanks again, for everything."

"Stop thanking me, _seriously_ \- I want to help you, _hell_ \- I want to do so much more than what I can right now. I miss living with you, I miss being a room away whenever you needed me, so it means a hell of a lot that you still called me, even if I didn't do enough, but I'm going to try harder, I promise," Mikey smiled, a weak, painful smile, but it was a smile nonetheless, and Gerard found himself returning the expression.

"Okay, let's tone down on the sappy shit, I've cried enough for one day," Gerard laughed, lacing his hand with Frank's still one absentmindedly as Mikey chuckled along with him.

"Yeah - you're right, so - what do we do now?" Mikey asked, peering around the room as if something exciting would pop out and present itself for their entertainment.

"We wait for Frank to wake up, and then we go home, and we enjoy whatever time we have left with him," Gerard shrugged, trying not to dwell on how little time that would probably be.

"Okay, well I need coffee, you want one?" Mikey offered, standing quickly before stretching out his aching muscles that had come about by too much time sitting in the crappy excuse for a chair the hospital provided for visitors.

"Ugh...I guess, but I'm warning you, the coffee here got even shitter since the last time we were tried it." Gerard shuddered in an over-exaggerated manner, but _seriously_ , hospital coffee was fucking disgusting.

"No way - I thought that was impossible?"

"Unfortunately not, but it is caffeine, so if you are getting one, I'll choke it down," Gerard called out after Mikey's retreating figure, because vile or not, Gerard could really use some energy right now.

"Okay, I'll try and see if I can convince them to make a fresh pot." Mikey waved before exiting the room, closing the door behind him gently, leaving Gerard alone with Frank once again.

\---------------------------------------------

When Frank awoke, the first thing he noticed was the lack of pain, and he sighed in relief when he wasn't met by a splitting headache, because he really didn't think he could take that agony again anytime soon.

This last occurrence had been the worst that Frank had ever experienced, even more terrible than the one he had gone through at his father's house, the one that had actually caused him to black out, because at least that headache had ended in peaceful oblivion, but this recent one never seemed to stop, each jolt of the car and soft sound intensifying his agony, and _really_ \- Frank had thought that was it, and he was dying.

He truly hadn't expected to wake up, and he had made sure his last words to Gerard before the medicine dragged him under were _'I love you'_ , and even though they had been wracked with agony and barely more than a whisper, Frank had to say it, Gerard had to know, because Frank would always love Gerard, even in death.

Saying goodbye to Gerard had hurt more than the fiery pain that had been assaulting his body, because even though Frank had been prepared for his death, or at least, he _thought_ he was, it had felt as if he was physically ripping his own heart out of his chest, his fingers digging into the bleeding organ as he choked out what might be the last sentence he ever uttered to the love of his life.

But Frank wasn't dead, he knew that for a fact, even though he had yet to open his eyes. He could smell the hospital room around him, he could touch the scratchy sheets against his bare arms, but most importantly, he could feel Gerard's soft hand in his, his thumb stroking lightly over Frank's knuckle in an absentminded gesture that Frank adored.

Frank would have to tell Gerard how much he liked this soft sensation, because it wasn't something he had ever voiced aloud before - there was no reason to, but now there was, even though it was a pointless thing, Frank wanted to tell Gerard every minute detail that he had kept secreted away, he wanted Gerard to know how much every little gesture he did meant to him before it would be too late to utter those words.

"Frankie...you awake?" Gerard's voice reached Frank's ears, pulling him out of the semi-conscious daze he had been in, making him want to open his eyes and drink in the sight of his beautiful boyfriend for as long as he had left.

But when Frank's eyelids fluttered upward, it was as if they were still closed; his vision was blurry and dark, and he could barely make out Gerard's face, even though it couldn't be more than a foot away from him.

Frank's breathing immediately quickened, panic setting in as he tried to open his eyes wider, but nothing happened, he couldn't _fucking_ see - just shapes, shadowy figures, not the details he wanted to observe.

"Frankie...hey sugar, what's wrong?" Gerard's worried face swam into better focus as he leaned closer to Frank, rubbing a warm hand across his cheek gently in a comforting gesture.

"Gee, what happened...I - I can't see, I - _oh_..." Frank sighed, because now that he thought about it, and the sleep that was clouding his brain began slowly ebbing away, Frank realized what was happening.

His condition was getting worse, and his diminishing eyesight was just another symptom of that, another milestone to his death, and even though Frank had thought he was ready for this, he _really_ wasn't.

Frank was so scared - fucking _terrified_ actually, and he was hit with the irrational urge to run, run away until he couldn't run anymore, and maybe if he ran fast enough, he could outpace all of this: the fear, the blindness, his death, but that was just stupid, and Frank knew there was no escaping this.

"Oh baby...come here," Gerard sighed, pushing Frank over slightly so he could climb into bed with him, his presence instantly calming Frank down.

"Where's Mikey?" Frank asked, his fucked up eyes trying to pick out the other Way brother in the room, but he couldn't see much past the edge of his bed.

"He's on the other bed, little fucker fell asleep after downing a whole cup of coffee," Gerard chuckled softly.

"I'm not surprised, if he is anything like you, he's probably immune to the stuff by now," Frank laughed along, trying to bury his fears in pointless conversation, even though he knew Gerard would see through his bullshit in two seconds flat, and he wasn't proven wrong.

"How bad is it?" Gerard mumbled against his shoulder, his arms wrapping around him in a loose embrace that had Frank feeling trapped, but in a good way, as if Gerard was enveloping him completely, protecting him from all the terrible things that were currently assaulting Frank.

"I - I can see you right now, but anything past a foot or two is dark."

"Oh love...it's gonna be okay, the doctor said it might come and go, so it could clear up soon - your swelling is still going down after all," Gerard assured Frank, his voice positive and airy, even though Frank could hear the suppressed fear in it.

"It's okay, at least I'm not totally blind, not yet," Frank shrugged, trying to play it off like it was no big deal, even though it _really_ was.

"I'm just happy you are here - I was so scared," Gerard whispered, his hold tightening around Frank's waist as he spoke.

"I know...I was scared too, I thought that was it for me," Frank admitted, and even though he and Gerard usually avoided talking about his death in such blatant terms, it felt sort of good to be having this conversation without Gerard freaking out on him.

"The doctor said you don't have long...he wants you to stay here - in hospice..."

"What - _no_ , I want to go home with you, I need you Gee..." Frank exclaimed, and now it was his turn to grab onto Gerard tightly, his fists clutching at Gerard's shirt as if he could keep him here with his hold alone.

"Frankie - I would never leave you, they would have to pry me out of this hospital to make that happen, and I wouldn't let them do that, but it's more for you sugar. That way, when you are in pain, they could give you medicine straight away, instead of you having to wait while I drive you to the hospital," Gerard explained, but Frank was already shaking his head no vehemently, wincing slightly when a phantom ache traveled down his spinal cord.

"No Gee, please...I don't want drugs, or this place, I want our house, our bed, I want _you_...don't make me stay here," Frank begged, tears forming in his eyes as he imagined spending his last few weeks in this dreary place.

"It's okay baby, I won't, it's up to you. If you want, I can take you home right now as soon as we check you out," Gerard soothed him, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek when he was done speaking.

"Yes please," Frank smiled, because even though he might be acting like a stubborn idiot, he knew he wouldn't enjoy anything if he was trapped here, with doctors and nurses checking on him every few hours, with the constant poking and prodding, with the grim reminder of everything bearing down on him constantly.

All he needed was _Gerard_ : his touch, his words, his kisses - that was better than any medicine, and Frank was convinced that half of the reason he had survived so long was because he had Gerard to live for, so he would take his chances at home, because he was happy there, and safe, and loved, and in the end, that was all he needed to keep fighting this.


	17. Who Will Remember Your Last Goodbye

Frank made it two more weeks before everything came crashing down, which was two weeks longer than his original estimate for living had been, and even though Gerard wished he could say those two weeks were the best of Frank's life, and everything was happy and magical, and his eminent death was a tiny shadow lurking in the background - it _wasn't_ , and even though Gerard didn't want to lose Frank, seeing him suffer was more heart wrenching than he could ever have imagined.

Frank's vision did not improve over time as Gerard had hoped - if anything, it got _worse_ , and Frank found himself forced to rely on Gerard for almost everything, from getting dressed to walking, and even though Frank never said the words, Gerard could sense how much he hated it.

Gerard didn't blame him for his frustration, because Frank could never stand being helpless, even before he was sick, he refused to let Gerard do anything for him; he never wanted help with his father, or his problems at home, but now he had no choice, and Gerard didn't know what to do to make this any easier for him.

Gerard could tell that Frank despised the need to call for Gerard whenever he wanted something, _fuck_ \- he even had to have Gerard help him into the bathroom so he didn't trip and hurt himself, and even though Gerard did everything he could to let Frank function on his own, he even tried simply talking Frank through the obstacles surrounding him so he could navigate them on his own, Frank quickly grew frustrated and sullen, and Gerard had no idea how to cheer up his ailing boyfriend.

And maybe if it was just the blindness, they could have worked past it, they could have found ways to help Frank become more independent, maybe even procured him a seeing eye dog, but once the loss of coordination began to set in, making something as simple as standing up difficult, Frank seemed to give up completely, spending most of his time in bed unless Gerard dragged him out of it, and Gerard lost count of the times he awoke in the middle of the night to the sound of Frank's bitter sobs.

Gerard never knew what to say when Frank cried anymore, so he didn't try to soothe him with pointless falsities, instead, he simply held him, rocking his frail body back and forth as they cried together, and eventually, Frank would drift back off, his damp face pressed against Gerard's chest as his breathing evened out and his expression transformed into one of peace.

Gerard had taken Frank back to the doctor after he had collapsed trying to walk across the kitchen one afternoon, but there was nothing any medicine could do for Frank now, the doctor's only advice was to leave Frank in hospice, to which Frank still stubbornly refused.

Frank's tumor was literally breaking him apart, and even though he was trying to fight it, it was a pointless battle, and Frank seemed to finally realize that, so he had stopped struggling, and it was left to Gerard to continue to encourage Frank to hold on, to push through all of these terrible things for as long as he could, but _fuck_ \- it was so hard, and no matter what Gerard said or did, that desolate cast of hopelessness never quite left Frank's eyes anymore.

Gerard though his own problems would increase as Frank began to deteriorate, but he actually found the opposite happening. With Frank needing all of Gerard's attention, he found himself too busy to focus on his own feelings of self-loathing, and even when he was alone, half of his attention was always on Frank, his ears straining for any sound of him calling Gerard's name, his body occupied by other things, and by the time night fell, Gerard was so exhausted that sleep overwhelmed him before his fucked up mind had a chance to kick in.

Today had been better than most though, an unexpected visit from Frank's mother had seemed to brighten Frank's mood considerably, and Mikey had promised to stop by again on Friday as well. He had been down here more often than not, even bringing their parents and Pete with him last weekend, and the company seemed to drag Frank out of his misery for a short time.

And even though they were now alone again, Frank still seemed cheerful; he had been chatting away with Gerard for over an hour, explaining the basic plot of some audiobook he had been listening to lately. Gerard had downloaded a few for him when Frank discovered the fact that he could no longer read without pressing the pages against his nose, and Frank had his headphones in more often than not now.

Gerard smiled softly as Frank continued to describe the story to him, some horror filled romance that was exactly what Gerard would expect Frank to read. Moments like these were rare now, because Frank hardly ever had the energy to participate in conversations anymore, but today he seemed to have woken up; he had even agreed to come downstairs earlier, and they were currently cuddling on the couch, Frank's head resting lightly on Gerard's shoulder as he spoke.

"You need to read it Gerard - _I swear_ , it's so good," Frank exclaimed, and Gerard nodded his head slightly before he realized that Frank probably couldn't see the subtle motion.

"You know sci-fi books are more my thing," Gerard responded teasingly, earning himself a light smack on the arm from his boyfriend.

"You need to branch out Gee - _seriously_ , doesn't spaceships and aliens ever get boring," Frank huffed, and he looked so adorable in that moment that Gerard couldn't resist leaning down and pressing a quick kiss to his cheek. "What was that for?" Frank chuckled, a light blush tinting his features as he peered up at Gerard with squinted eyes.

"I don't know - you are just cute okay?" Gerard shrugged, pulling Frank back in for a proper kiss on the lips this time.

"And this is news how?" Frank grinned, his sarcastic response earning him an obnoxious giggle from Gerard.

Gerard wasn't even embarrassed by the honking sound he had produced though, because this was the first time all week that Frank had seemed like his usual, playful self, and Gerard was ecstatic to have his boyfriend back, even though he knew this wouldn't last for long, _nothing_ they shared would, but it didn't matter, because right now, Frank was _happy_ , and even though he might not be in a few hours, that was in the future, and Gerard had stopped looking ahead ages ago.

\---------------------------------------------

Frank found himself alone for a few brief moments, and even though it sounded terrible to say, he enjoyed the solitude in a way, because as much as he loved Gerard, he _hated_ the pain he was causing him, he _hated_ the way Gerard was always on edge, jumping to his rescue every time Frank so much as shifted his position, but most of all, he _hated_ the sorrow he could only barely glimpse in Gerard's once vibrant eyes.

Frank couldn't change what was happening to him, he had accepted that, and even though it would be idiotic to expect Gerard not to be dragged down by it as well, it still hurt, and Gerard didn't deserve this, not that Frank did either, but he would be dead soon, and it would all be over, leaving Gerard to suffer for the rest of his life.

Because Frank knew that Gerard loved him, all of his past doubts had dissipated over the last few weeks, because Gerard had stuck with him through _everything_ , which was more than Frank was entitled to, more than he ever expected actually, but Gerard had proven that he wasn't going anywhere, and Frank only wished he could say the same thing, because Frank had personally witnessed what had happened to Gerard the last time he lost someone he loved, and he never wanted his boyfriend to go through that agony again.

Frank hadn't really allowed himself to think of what would happen after he passed, but he knew it wouldn't be pretty. Gerard had refrained from self-harming ever since the episode that had occurred two weeks ago, but Frank knew he still struggled with the urges, and only the fact that he was trying to stay strong for Frank kept him from dissolving back into the person he had been in high school.

Frank had confided his fears in Mikey the last time he was here, trying to hold back his tears as he begged Gerard's brother to look after him once he was no longer able to, and Mikey promised that he would, he even had plans to convince Gerard to move to New York with them, but Frank was so fucking _scared_ that it wouldn't be enough.

But in the end, Frank couldn't do a thing about it besides hope that he could somehow still be with Gerard after death, which was a bit farfetched, but Frank had always been an avid believer in the supernatural; ghosts seemed much more likely than a magical place called Heaven where everyone lived happily ever after anyway.

And whatever happened, Frank was ready for this, and he wasn't afraid to die any longer, in fact, he was almost looking forward to this all being over, and if it wasn't for Gerard, Frank would have no regrets that his life was ending so soon, but he _did_ have Gerard, and his presence made Frank want to try and stay alive for as long as he could, because every second his heart kept beating was another moment spent with Gerard.

But Frank hadn't been making the most of his dwindling time, and he knew that; it had just been so hard to fake a smile when he could barely walk, not to mention see, and he had been hiding away from everyone, including Gerard, for the past few weeks.

Frank was trying though, he _really_ was, and it was worth it to hear the smile in Gerard's voice when Frank forced himself to participate in the world, even if the last thing Frank wanted to do was get up and pretend that everything was okay, not when his head was aching and his muscles cramped every time he tried to move, but he did it anyway for Gerard.

So Frank had asked Gerard to take him downstairs today, and he had spent time with him that didn't involve sleeping, and honestly, Frank felt more alive right now than he had in weeks, and even though he was still in pain and slightly exhausted, he didn't care, because he had heard Gerard laugh more times this afternoon than he had in ages, and that made everything worth it.

Gerard was currently in the shower at the moment, and it had taken Frank a good thirty minutes to convince his boyfriend that he would be fine on his own for a short time, but after much arguing, including a few half joking comments about how much Gerard stunk, Frank had managed to get Gerard to let him out of his sight.

But now Frank was slightly bored, because sitting on the couch with nothing to do was very unexciting, and he had already finished his audiobook earlier on, so Frank was left with nothing but the sound of running water to occupy his thoughts, and that wasn't enough to distract him from the hidden fears in the back of his mind that Frank hadn't managed to push far enough away.

Fed up with the silence, Frank heaved himself to his feet on shaking legs, feeling around awkwardly for the remote to the television. Even though he couldn't see anymore, the chatter from a random show would be a good distraction right now, and even the simple act of searching for the device was keeping Frank occupied, the fact that he was going about it on his own caused a small feeling of accomplishment to swell in his chest.

Frank wasn't sure where Gerard had left the remote, because the television wasn't on much anymore, and Gerard usually turned it off as soon as Frank came downstairs, but Frank was finally starting to learn the layout of this room, so after an excessive amount of reaching, not to mention almost tripping, Frank felt the plastic edge of the rectangular object, and he almost let out a squeal of excitement when he realized that he had successfully acquired the remote without once asking for help.

Making his way back to the couch carefully, Frank plopped himself down on the cushions with a satisfied sigh, feeling the device with the tips of his fingers, searching for the largest button which would turn on the television, and within seconds, the sounds of some sort of sports game was filling the room, and Frank mentally fist pumped the air at his own independence.

But of course, his happy moment didn't last, because life seemed determined to fuck up everything for poor Frank Iero, or maybe it was _death_ , but for whatever reason, Frank found his hand that was still clutching the remote shaking erratically, the device falling to the floor with a soft clack as the tremor increased in strength, spreading up his arms to the rest of his body with the speed of an out of control wildfire.

"Oh shit..." Frank groaned out in-between gritted teeth, his head spinning wildly as he tried to push back a sudden wave of dizziness and nausea that had appeared as if from nowhere.

Frank blinked his eyes rapidly, a few tears escaping from his closed lids as he willed whatever this was to pass quickly. This wasn't a typical headache; _actually_ \- the physical pain wasn't even that bad, relatively speaking; Frank just felt drained, weak, and exhausted, as if all of the life was slowly leaking out of him without his consent.

"Gerard!" Frank screamed, his terror at the situation causing his voice to come out hoarse and cracked, but hopefully Gerard had heard him, and he would be here soon, and he would make everything go away.

Frank tried to pull himself up off the couch, hoping that movement would clear up whatever this was, but that turned out to be a _terrible_ idea, and as soon as Frank reached a standing position, everything seemed to turn sideways, the room spinning wildly in a dizzying fashion that had Frank holding back the urge to vomit. 

Frank attempted to take a step forward, but that didn't seem to work out well at all; he was ninety-nine percent certain that he had fallen, but it seemed more as if the ground had risen up to meet his body halfway, and he couldn't even feel the impact of his chest with the hardwood floor, so maybe he hadn't, but before Frank could discover if he was still standing or not, the all too familiar blackness began to encroach over his mind, dragging Frank down into the depths of unconsciousness.

Frank's last though before everything went dark was that he had to wake up again, he had to escape the peaceful oblivion he found himself cocooned in, because this couldn't be it, this couldn't be the end, because he hadn't told Gerard he loved him, he hadn't kissed him goodbye, and he refused to leave this world without seeing his boyfriend one last time.


	18. When All Is Gone The Only Loss Is To Not Have Loved At Every Cost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might seem like the end, but there is still six more chapters after this, just letting you guys know.

Gerard sighed in contentment as the hot water from the shower head rained down around his body, breathing in the steam that filled the air gratefully, because even though Gerard wasn't the cleanliest person in the world, he still enjoyed the feeling of washing the grime of the day off of him, and he had been neglecting simple tasks like this in favor of watching over Frank.

Frank had been insistent that Gerard take some time for himself though, complaining that he smelled, which - _whatever_ , maybe he did, but spending time with Frank was much more important than showering, and Gerard would have been fine waiting until Frank fell asleep later tonight to clean himself, but he could tell that Frank wanted him to take care of himself as well, and even though Gerard didn't want to leave his side, he knew it would make Frank happy if he did, so Gerard had reluctantly agreed.

Reaching for the bottle of apple scented shampoo, Gerard squeezed a decent amount into the palm of his hand, massaging it into his long locks absentmindedly. His hair was almost past his shoulders now, and it was due a trim, but that was just another thing that Gerard was going to put off for now, because there was no way he was going to drag Frank out of the house just so he could get a haircut.

Gerard began considering doing it himself, it couldn't be too hard, but the thought of possibly fucking it up held him back, because even though Gerard wasn't vain, he _really_ liked his hair, and he didn't want to walk around with uneven ends, even if he was the only one who would probably notice.

But all thoughts of do-it-yourself haircuts flew out of Gerard's head when a soft sound reached his ears over the falling water, and even though Gerard wasn't sure he had heard correctly, it sounded like Frank - it sounded like Frank _calling_ for him, and even the possibility of that had Gerard hurriedly rinsing the last of the shampoo out of his hair, his hand shaking slightly as he turned the water off quickly, wrapping a towel around himself haphazardly before darting downstairs as rapidly as possible.

"Frank?" Gerard called out, slowing his pace once he reached the bottom step, because he didn't want Frank to know that he had _literally_ sprinted down here to check up on him. Frank wouldn't take kindly to that, especially if he hadn't actually been calling out for Gerard's help.

A quick glance around the room showed it empty though, which was not what Gerard had been expecting. He had left Frank downstairs on the couch, and Frank shouldn't have been able to move very far - it wasn't _impossible_ to think he had relocated, but it would have been difficult for Frank, which would explain the sound that had caused Gerard to end his shower prematurely.

Maybe Frank had tried to head into the bathroom, and Gerard had heard him knocking into something, maybe that was where he was now, and he would walk out any moment with a proud smile on his face because he had accomplished the task all by himself.

"Frankie...you okay?" Gerard asked one more time, straining his ears for any answer from his boyfriend, but when the house stayed silent, almost _suspiciously_ so, Gerard felt his heart beat sped up in his chest and his palms began to grow damp with a nervous sweat.

And when Gerard took another step forward, revealing the entire living room to his searching gaze, Gerard found what he was looking for, but in the _worst_ way possible, because there was Frank, lying on the hardwood floor in an awkward heap, his limbs sprawled around him at uncomfortable angles, his left cheek pressed against the ground, his eyes shut tightly, and his face lined with pain.

Gerard's vision flickered slightly, and for one moment, Gerard was back in the past, his mind transported to almost two months ago when he had first found Frank on the floor of his old room, in his old house, with plans of running away fresh in his mind, but his position was the same, unconscious on the floor, his breathing shallow and his face unnaturally pale.

"Sugar..." Gerard whimpered, his feet carrying him to Frank side without any conscious thought, his hand grabbing Frank's wrist lightly in hope of finding a pulse, which was there, if faintly, but Frank's heart was still beating, and now it was up to Gerard to make sure it stayed that way. "Please wake up love... _please_ ," Gerard cried, shaking Frank softly before gathering him into his arms, doing his best to muffle the sobs that were gathering in his throat.

Gerard was so fucking _scared_ right now, because Frank hadn't truly passed out in ages; he had fallen, and been in immense pain, but it hadn't been bad enough lately for him to lose conscious, and Gerard was well aware of the fact that there was a very definite chance that Frank might not ever wake up.

This seemed different than Frank's past episodes, and even though Gerard wasn't sure why he was so convinced of that, because this wasn't the first time Gerard had found Frank in this position, and in some ways, he hoped it wasn't the last, something just seemed _off_ , and even though it was probably only the fact that Gerard had no idea exactly what had happened, he couldn't shake the worry that was threatening to overwhelm him.

And even more potent than the terror that was currently flooding Gerard's veins was the _fury_ burning inside of him, the pointless anger at himself for leaving Frank alone, because even though his presence would have done nothing to prevent Frank's state, Gerard had still abandoned him, and now Frank was hurt, and possibly _dying_ , and Gerard had no idea how long he had been lying on the floor, all because of his stupid shower.

And even though Gerard knew he was being completely irrational, he couldn't help but feel like this was his fault, even though it wasn't, but _still_ , Frank had been in pain, Frank had been alone, and now something was very wrong with him, and Gerard hadn't been there for him, and there was nothing he could do to stop the sudden rush of guilt from overwhelming him.

But feeling sorry for himself wasn't going to help anything, not Gerard, and not Frank, and Gerard had to act fast, especially because he was clueless about how much time had passed since Frank had collapsed, and every second counted in the race for his life.

So Gerard quickly picked Frank up off the floor, lying him on the couch gently before bolting back upstairs to throw on some clothes, because no matter how dire the emergency, Gerard doubted the hospital would be willing to help him if he showed up in nothing but a towel, and in less than a minute, Gerard was fully dressed, and even if his shirt was on inside out, it didn't matter, because he needed to get Frank to a doctor now, and at least he had something covering him.

When Gerard returned back downstairs, Frank hadn't moved at all, and even though Gerard had been hoping that he would be doing better after a few minutes, if anything, Frank looked _worse_ ; his breath was rattling in his chest, and beads of sweat stood out on his pale forehead, an occasional soft shudder wracking his body every now and again.

Not wanting to waste another second, Gerard scooped Frank up into his arms, rushing out the front door and into the car without bothering to lock the house up behind him, trying to ignore how light Frank felt, not to mention the fact that there was something terribly wrong with him.

The route to the hospital was becoming entirely too familiar to Gerard, and he was almost certain that he could make the trip with his eyes closed, and even though Gerard hated it, he had come to accept that he was going to spend a large majority of his time there as long as Frank was a part of his life, and Gerard was more than willing to stay in that dreaded place forever as long as it meant Frank was still with him.

"I love you baby, you are so strong, just hang on for a little bit longer," Gerard mumbled softly, because even though Frank couldn't hear him, Gerard didn't seem to be able to stop talking to him, and even Gerard wasn't sure if it was in the hopes that Frank would somehow absorb his words in his unconscious state, or simply to make Gerard feel better, but whatever the case, Gerard couldn't shut up.

Barely any time seemed to have passed before the hospital came into view, but at the same time, it had taken too long as well, and the fact that Frank still hadn't stirred had Gerard parking illegally near the front of the building, uncaring of the possibility of a ticket, because the only thing that mattered was getting Frank inside as quickly as he was able.

Carrying Frank in his arms, Gerard hurried through the automatic doors, where he was met once again by a frazzled looking nurse who took Frank from his hold, lying him down onto a plain stretcher before wheeling him off god knows where, and even though Gerard usually hung back in the waiting room, this time, Gerard felt compelled to follow her, only stopping when the nurse politely asked him to wait behind a door that led to a room which Gerard thought the MRI's were conducted behind.

No one came out to speak to Gerard for ages, and even though it felt like hours to Gerard, it could have only been ten minutes, he really had no idea. Time seemed oddly warped today, as if the concrete concept was crumbling around Gerard's head as Frank's condition deteriorated, because even though Gerard didn't know anything for sure, he had a gut feeling that something was horribly wrong this time around.

But even though Gerard ached to find out what was happening, and quite a few doctors passed within hearing range of his stationary position outside of the room which Frank had disappeared into, Gerard kept his mouth shut, because deep down, Gerard was convinced that the news wasn't good, and he didn't want to hear the fears that were crowding his mind voiced out loud, not yet anyway.

Finally, a familiar face appeared, and the doctor who had taken over Frank's care approached Gerard with a grim expression on his face. Gerard barely understood the words that were coming out of his mouth, they seemed to be in some sort of a foreign language or some shit, but Gerard managed to gather himself together enough to follow the aging doctor when he motioned for him to do so, letting the man lead him to another room, where Frank was once again ensconced within the white sheets of a hospital bed, needles connecting his arms to sinister looking machines that still gave Gerard the creeps.

"Mr. Way?" the doctor asked, and it was only then that Gerard realized that he was being addressed, all of his attention has been on Frank's still body until the doctor had interrupted him.

"Hmm?" Gerard grunted noncommittally, his body drifting to Frank's side like a magnet, his hand instantly reaching down to clasp Frank's with his own, and he almost gasped aloud at the clammy feeling of Frank's skin.

"Were you listening to what I said Mr. Way?" the doctor asked in a weary voice, and Gerard simply shook his head no, because even though he was pretty sure he understood the meaning behind the doctor's words, he hadn't absorbed any of them, and _honestly_ , he wasn't sure if he really wanted to.

"I'm sorry, what were you saying?" Gerard sighed when the doctor stayed silent, his face carrying an expression of pity that Gerard absolutely detested.

"I - I was explaining that Frank's tumor has eroded away a blood vessel in his brain," the doctor began nervously, one of his wrinkled hands pushing his salt and pepper hair back from his face. "Frank is dying...he most likely will not regain consciousness before the end, but it will be painless and quick...I'm sorry."

Gerard had no response to that, none that he could utter without bursting into tears that is, because he had known this was coming, somehow he sensed that this time was different, and Frank wasn't going to pull through for once, but even though Gerard had been expecting this, that didn't mean it hurt any less, if anything, it hurt _more_ , because Gerard hadn't been there, he hadn't stayed by Frank's side in his final conscious moments, he hadn't gotten to hear what might have been his last words, he hadn't been given the chance to see Frank's sparkling eyes one more time, and _fuck_ \- Gerard wasn't ready for this.

"Do you want some time alone with him?" the doctor spoke up timidly, and for some absurd reason, Gerard realized that he had never learned the man's name who had done so much for Frank, so he glanced up with tear clouded eyes, reading the plate which rested on his white jacket, identifying him as Dr. Jones.

"Yes...please," Gerard managed to choke out, his voice wobbling embarrassingly in the process, but Gerard didn't really give a shit right now, because Frank was _dying_ , and if there was any time to cry, this was most definitely it.

Gerard assumed that Dr. Jones left, even though he didn't hear his response, or the door closing, Gerard wasn't really aware of anything that was happening in the world around him right now, because Frank was his entire world, and he was dying, fading away into nothing before Gerard's very eyes, and Gerard felt like he was disappearing along with him, everything that was occurring around him getting lost in the void that was life without Frank in it.

Gerard felt the need to say something, to give Frank one final goodbye before death took him away forever, but Gerard couldn't find any words to do Frank justice - _fuck_ \- he could barely even comprehend that any of this was happening, even though he had been preparing for this exact event for the past six weeks, but _still_ , now that it was here, Gerard found himself in a state of shock. Everything felt so surreal, as if it was happening to someone else, some other person that just so happened to be inhabiting Gerard's body.

Still, this was the last time Gerard might ever get to speak with Frank, and maybe he could hear him wherever he was, in this suspended state between the living and the dead, so Gerard cleared his dry throat, taking a deep breath before attempting to form a coherent sentence.

"Frankie...I'm so sorry, and I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's all I can think of to say, because I am. I'm sorry this is happening to you, I'm sorry for all the pain you have been put through, I'm sorry for not always been there for you. You deserved so much better than me, but I'm so fucking glad you chose me. I still can't believe you actually love me sometimes, but you _do_ , and I love you too, so fucking much, and just - _fuck_...I can't do this Frank, I'm not ready to be alone, but I know you can't stay with me forever, especially not like this. I don't like seeing you suffer, and even though this hurts like hell, I'm happy that you are going to a better place, and maybe one day, I'll meet you there, and everything will be perfect again...and -"

An ugly sob cut off Gerard's train of thought, the painful cry tearing its way out of his throat without his consent, and before he could stop himself, Gerard dissolved into a bout of tears, lying his head against Frank's barely moving chest gently as he shook with the force of his sorrow, his hand still clamped tightly in Frank's still one.

And even though Gerard knew he needed to pull himself together, and he should be calling Mikey, and Frank's mother, and letting them know that the end was near so they could come say their own goodbyes, Gerard just couldn't do it, he couldn't fucking move, _hell_ \- he could barely breathe, so talking on the phone was sort of out of the question at the moment.

And Frank took that option away from him in the next minute when a quivering gasp left his mouth, and for one second, Gerard thought that he was waking up, and Dr. Jones had been wrong somehow, but when Frank's eyes didn't open, and his body began trembling instead, Gerard realized that the exact opposite of what he was praying for was most likely happening.

And Gerard's fears were proven correct when Frank stilled suddenly, his muscles relaxing all at once as a soft breath escaped his lungs, and even though Gerard waited for ages for him to pull in more oxygen, he _didn't_ , his chest no longer rose and fell, and it was only when the unbroken tone of Frank's heart monitor began assaulting Gerard's ears that he realized what had happened - Frank had _died_.


	19. We Live In The Rain

Gerard was fuzzy on the exact events that transpired after Frank took his last breath, the memories he could recall seemed to be viewed through a haze, as if the whole world had been draped in a dense mist, and he couldn't be certain what was real and what he had imagined, because everything seemed like a horrendous nightmare, but this wasn't something Gerard could wake up from, even though he would have given _anything_ for this all to be some fucked up dream.

Gerard sobbed bitterly for what felt like years, covering Frank's body with his own as if he could somehow transfer his life energy to Frank, even though that was _ridiculous_ , and Gerard could physically feel Frank growing colder underneath him, but Gerard wasn't exactly thinking rationally at the time, the only thing that was running through his mind was that Frank was dead, and he couldn't just lie down and accept that without trying something, even something _incredibly_ stupid.

A few people had entered the room not long after that, alerted by Frank's heart monitor and the soft alarms that were continuing to go off, screaming Frank's death for all the world to hear, and Gerard found himself forcefully removed from Frank's bed, his cries overlapping with the sounds in the room as a nurse held him back, letting her colleagues try to resuscitate Frank, even though they seemed to realize it was futile very quickly.

Frank didn't respond to the CPR, or the defibrillator, and after maybe five minutes had passed, a male nurse called out his time of death - 5:52pm, and Gerard knew without a doubt that he would never be able to see those numbers on a clock face again without bursting into tears.

And even though Gerard wanted to stay with Frank, or his body, he couldn't face this anymore, he couldn't be in this room which stunk of death for one second longer, even though he knew that the stench was just his imagination going haywire on him, but _still_ , Gerard needed to get away, so that's exactly what he did; he took off running in a random direction, ignoring the startled looks that were thrown his way, turning a blind eye to the doctors and nurses that tried to stop his panicked flight.

Eventually, Gerard found himself outside, somewhere in the back of the hospital, and much to Gerard's relief, the area was mostly secluded, the soft summer rain that had started to fall compelling everyone to seek shelter indoors, everyone besides for Gerard that is, because Frank was his safe place, his protector, his haven from the storm, and without him in this world, Gerard was defenseless and alone.

Gerard's knees gave out suddenly, and he collapsed weakly against the scratchy brick wall, drawing his legs up to his chest as if that would lessen the aching hole in his heart, his eyes drawn upward to the darkening skies, the raindrops mixing with the tears that were still dripping down his cheeks in a never ending torrent.

It had rained much more this summer than was typical for New Jersey, as if the weather wept along with Gerard, like it felt sorrow for Frank's fate, and it was expressing it the only way it knew how, with gray clouds and a deluge of water, the dismal conditions matching Gerard's inner turmoil perfectly.

Gerard wasn't certain how long he stayed out there, whimpering softly to himself as he tried to comprehend the fact that Frank was truly gone, because the idea seemed _unfathomable_ , and Gerard only now realized how deeply in denial he had been over Frank's condition, and how unprepared he was to lose the love of his life.

Of course, no one is ever ready for something like this, and death is never an easy thing to handle, but Gerard had severely underestimated how badly this would hurt, and he had felt pain before, he had lost Elena, and he had been convinced that nothing could ever match that agony, but _god_ \- he had never been so wrong, because this felt as if his heart had been ripped out of his chest, the still beating organ crushed before his very eyes, his body somehow still function even without its most vital part.

After an undetermined amount of time, a mousy haired nurse managed to locate Gerard, dragging him inside and out of the rain, ignoring all of his protests in the process. Left with no other choice, Gerard stopped fighting her, because what was the point, nothing mattered anymore anyway, and he didn't have the energy to fend off this stubborn nurse any longer.

Gerard was given a white towel to wipe down his sodden hair with, but he still managed to leave a small puddle of water around the plastic seat the nurse had ushered him into, and even though Gerard knew he should feel bad about the mess, he didn't, he didn't care about anything right now, and all he wanted was to be left alone so he could cry in peace - _actually_ , he really just wanted Frank back, but that was never going to happen, and that realization made Gerard burst into tears once again.

Once he had managed to calm himself slightly, Gerard tuned in to what the nurse was saying, which was apparently something about having someone pick him up, because he was in no state to drive, which was true, but Gerard didn't have any friends that lived closed by, all he had was Mikey, who was still in New York at the moment, and even though Gerard didn't want to bother him, he _needed_ his baby brother right now, because he was pretty sure he might shatter into a thousand pieces any second, and Mikey was an expert at holding Gerard together when that happened.

So with a shaky inhalation, Gerard pulled out his damp phone, which was still functioning, _thank god_ \- and he successfully dialed Mikey's number on the third try, his numb fingers seemed unwilling to cooperate with him at the moment, but Gerard finally got them to press the correct buttons.

"Hey Gee - what's up?" Mikey's cheerful voice reached Gerard's ear on the second ring, and a soft giggle in the background attested to Pete's presence, which Gerard really should have expected, because Mikey and Pete seemed attached at the hip lately.

And even though the last thing Gerard wanted was to break down on the phone while Mikey was busy with his boyfriend, he couldn't help it, because hearing his bother sounding so normal - _so happy_ \- somehow made everything a thousand times worse, and he couldn't hold back the strangled sob that escaped from in-between his pressed lips.

"Gee - what's wrong...is it Frank, are you okay?" Mikey choked out, fear clogging his voice as Gerard did his best to get his emotions under control so he could respond to his frantic brother.

"I - no...Mikey, Frank's _gone_ , and I - I _need_ you, can you come get me...I'm at the hospital, I'm so sorry, I just - I can't..."

"Oh god... _yeah_ \- of course, Pete has a car, I'll be there as fast as I can okay? Do you want me to stay on the phone with you?" Mikey asked, and Gerard nodded weakly. It wasn't until Mikey repeated his name that Gerard realized that Mikey couldn't see him.

" _Please_...I'm scared Mikes, I miss Frank..." Gerard whispered, a soft shudder wracking his body, his damp clothes sticking to his skin uncomfortably as he shifted in his chair slightly. 

"I know Gee, just hold on okay - I'm coming to get you, just keep talking to me," Mikey pleaded, and although talking hurt, staying silent was even worse, and Gerard couldn't bear to be alone with nothing but his own mind for company, so he forced himself to speak, rambling about the first thing that came to his mind, which just so happened to be the rain, avoiding all mention of Frank for as long as possible.

Mikey listened attentively, prodding Gerard along whenever his mouth ran dry, constantly assuring him that he was on his way, and it wouldn't be much longer now. Gerard could hear Pete making remarks in the background, and he apologized constantly for dragging Mikey's boyfriend into this, but both of them shrugged of his words instantly, Pete even stealing Mikey's phone at one point to tell Gerard that there was nothing he would rather be doing, and also that if he got a speeding ticket, Gerard was _so_ paying for it, because apparently he was channeling his inner Paul Walker at the moment.

Gerard actually managed to chuckle weakly at that, but he was cut off by Dr. Jones laying a hand on his shoulder, causing his to laughter died in his throat, and _of course_ \- Mikey instantly noticed.

"Gee - you still there?"

"Yeah...but I have to go okay, I need to talk to Frank's doctor for a little bit," Gerard sighed to himself, because he didn't want to face whatever came next, he didn't want to talk about Frank, or his death, even though he knew that there was some paperwork he needed to sign, and the real world wasn't going to stop just because Gerard wasn't ready for it to continue moving.

"Okay, but you will call me back as soon as you are done - _right?_ " Mikey pressed, and Gerard heard the slight edge of hysteria in his voice, leaving him with an ache in his stomach that could only be guilt - guilt at causing his brother such distress, because he knew that Mikey was terrified he was going to do something stupid the second he hung up, and Mikey shouldn't have to worry about that, but it was a well founded fear, and if Gerard wasn't at the hospital, he might have done exactly what Mikey was imagining.

"Yeah Mikes, I promise." Gerard hung up before Mikey could say anything else, turning to Dr. Jones slowly, his entire body protesting what he knew was about to come.

But Gerard had to face this, he had to keep staying strong for Frank, even though he was no longer here anymore, so with gritted teeth, Gerard made arrangements with the funeral home that Frank had already picked out before hand, making sure they knew which hospital to pick up the body from.

After that, Gerard was given Frank's belongs, which only consisted of his clothes and shoes, as well as his cell phone which had been in his pocket, and Gerard almost lost it again at that point, because this was all that was left of Frank, these discarded articles in a plastic bag. Gerard would never get to see Frank tug on his pair of tattered converse again, he would never call the ancient phone that Frank had stubbornly refused to upgrade, and Gerard found himself fighting the urge to dump the entire bundle into the nearest trash can.

He didn't though, because they were once Frank's things, and he knew he would most likely regret his rash actions, so he clutched them tightly to his chest instead, his eyes glued to the floor until he was certain that he had his unruly tears under control.

There was only one more thing left to do before Gerard could leave, and that was to sign the medical certificate that would make Frank's death official, and that was when Gerard's strength gave out, and he was barely able to grip the pen Dr. Jones handed to him, the page becoming saturated with his tears as he jotted his signature at the bottom hastily.

"I'm sorry for you loss Mr. Way," Dr. Jones stated solemnly, his eyes averted away to give Gerard some form of privacy as he cried softly. "I just wanted to say that I rarely see couples like you, sickness usually tears people apart, it breaks them down, but you were a breath of fresh air, and I am sure it meant the world to Frank that you stuck by him until the end.

"I - I loved him...I still _love_ him, and I think I always will," Gerard whispered, completely unfazed by the fact that he was having a deeply personal conversation with Frank's doctor, because Gerard would take any form of comfort he could get right now, and Dr. Jones words had caused a soft smile to form on his face, which was a miracle in his current state.

"I can tell, and I wish everyone had someone like you in their life."

"I just can't believe he's gone..." Gerard sighed, his eyes tracing over Frank's name which stood out in bold print on the page in front of him.

"It will get better over time, and I can help you get set up with a grief counselor if you so choose," Dr. Jones offered, but Gerard shook his head no in response, turning his back on the death certificate when he could no longer bear to view it any longer.

"Thank you for the suggestion, but I think I will be okay," Gerard lied, because he wasn't okay, and he would never be okay again, but he had tried counseling when Elena had passed, and spilling his problems out to a complete stranger hadn't helped his healing process at all back then, so he wasn't eager to attempt it a second time.

"Do you have someone coming to pick you up?" Dr. Jones asked, his eyes fixing Gerard with a worried stare, as if he could hear the falsity behind Gerard's words.

"Yeah - my brother," Gerard began, and as if one cue, Mikey walked into the room, and Gerard didn't even bother with wondering how he had found him in this secluded area of the hospital, or how he had arrived so quickly, or maybe it had been a normal amount of time, Gerard had no idea, and he didn't really care, because his brother was here, and even though Mikey couldn't fix everything, his presence made this dismal day just a little less bleak.

With a choked cry which was a mixture of a sob and a happy greeting, Gerard launched himself into Mikey's arms, his cheek pressing against his t-shirt as more tears began to fall, and even though Gerard was getting really fucking tired of crying, he couldn't help himself, and having Mikey there to hold him made the wracking sobs hurt just a little bit less.


	20. Please Don't Tell Me That We're Fine

Leaving the hospital without Frank by his side was the worst thing Gerard had ever done - it felt _wrong_ , and he couldn't stop looking back at the white building which was quickly fading into the distance behind them, almost as if he would see Frank walking out any minute, ignoring the concerned glances Mikey kept shooting him out of the corner of his eye.

They had been stuck there for a little while longer after Mikey's arrival, dealing with a few more minute details, as well as waiting for Frank's mother to show up so they could explain what had happened, Gerard having finally called her after Mikey's soothing words of encouragement had helped him to calm down some.

Linda seemed to be in shock when a small nurse escorted here into the room, her eyes wide and glazed as Gerard informed her that Frank was gone, not a word left her lips as she followed the doctor back into the morgue so she could see Frank's body for herself.

When she returned, she was wiping her eyes discreetly, the corner of her lips trembling wildly as she listened to whatever the doctor was saying to her. After Dr. Jones took his leave, she turned to Gerard slowly, her body shaking slightly as she took his hand in hers.

"Thank you for everything, I will never be able to repay you for this, but I am so glad he was with you in the end, and I will always count you as part of my family," she choked out, a steady stream of tears falling down her face as she spoke.

It took every ounce of strength Gerard possessed not to lash out at her sorrow, not to blame her for everything that Frank had gone through, because in a way, this was _her_ fault, because she was Frank's mother, and she hadn't helped him when he was in pain, she hadn't taken him to the doctor when he began complaining of headaches just to make sure it wasn't anything serious, she had done nothing for Frank, except for stand by and watch as his life crumbled down around him.

And _yes_ \- Frank may have forgiven her before he passed, and she had earned some of Gerard's respect over the last few weeks, but none of that changed the fact that Frank was now dead, and she could have prevented it if only she had noticed his illness sooner.

But Gerard was too tired for conflict, and all the hateful thoughts in his head could also be directed back at himself, because he hadn't stepped up either, and even though he had more of an excuse, he wasn't oblivious to Frank's head pains either, and the last thing either of them needed was spiteful words tossed around just because Gerard was hurting.

So Gerard choked back his unexpected fury, instead, squeezing her hand in a gesture of comfort, leading her over to the seat he had previously been in while she did her best to stem the flow of tears pouring down her face.

They had conversed for a little bit longer after that, sharing memories of Frank and working out the more gritty details, like the medical bills. Gerard had assured her that he could pay for it all, but she had refused, saying that she would put half toward everything, including the funeral, even though Gerard knew that she and Frank's father were not well off when it came to money, but honestly, he was too emotionally exhausted to argue any longer.

They had parted ways when Linda called Frank's father, giving him a chance to say his final farewells to the son he didn't deserve, and even though Gerard didn't want to leave Frank, dead or not, he wasn't ready to face Frank's father, especially not in his current emotional state, so he and Mikey took their leave, promising to meet Frank's mother at the funeral which was going to be held some time next week.

Eventually, Gerard could no longer see the hospital anymore, just the road and Pete following behind them in his car, so with a defeated sigh, Gerard slumped back down into his chair, his eyes fixed on his lap determinedly as a few tears dropped down his chin.

"You can talk to me Gee, I don't want you to hold this in," Mikey mumbled after a short period of silence, snapping Gerard's head up suddenly, the unexpected sound startling him out of the daze he had been in.

"I - I know, but I don't even know what I'm feeling right now. It hurts - _fuck_ it hurts, but it sort of hasn't hit me yet, and in a way, I don't believe he's really gone," Gerard answered truthfully, his muscles tensing up as he tried to come to terms with the fact that he was never going to see Frank again, that he wasn't going to be there to greet him when he got home, that he wouldn't have anyone to make dinner for, or to cuddle with late at night as he waited for sleep to overtake his mind.

Mikey stopped the car in front of Gerard's house, but instead of getting out, he leaned over the center console, pulling Gerard into a quick hug, which Gerard relaxed into readily. Having Mikey with him was helping immensely, and even though his heart was aching, he hadn't fallen apart yet, and hopefully Mikey would prevent that from happening.

"I know, and I'm here for you, so is Pete. You aren't alone, and even though it going to be hard, we will make it through this - _okay?_ " Mikey promised, and all Gerard could do was nod his head in response, his throat was clogged with suppressed sobs that refused to let any words escape past them.

Patting his back gently, Mikey removed his arms from Gerard's frame, getting out of the car quickly before coming around and opening Gerard's door for him, extending his hand out to Gerard when Gerard didn't immediately move, and of course, that only reminded Gerard of how many times he had done that exact same thing for Frank, and also how he would never be able to do that again.

But Gerard forced that thought out of his head, clasping his palm in Mikey's and standing up, allowing himself to be pulled out of the car by his brother, even though his legs felt shaky and weak, and he honestly just wanted to sit there for a few more minutes while he attempted to gather the last shreds of his composure.

But in all reality, Gerard could stay where he was for the rest of his life and he would never be okay, so even though it was the last thing he wanted to face, he knew he had to go inside sooner or later, even though memories of Frank hung everywhere in his home, like painting on the walls, but these weren't something he could tear down and hide under the bed, only to be pulled out at his discretion, and he wasn't sure if he was ready to enter the house without Frank by his side.

But he couldn't sit outside forever, and at least Gerard wasn't alone, he had Mikey with him, and also Pete, and maybe this was like a band-aid, something he needed to rip off quickly and all at once, and doing it slowly would hurt even more, not that Gerard could imagine being in any more pain than he currently was experiencing, but still, this was something he had to do, so with a deep sigh, Gerard dug his keys out of his pocket and began walking toward his front door slowly.

Gerard could hear Mikey and Pete conversing in soft tones behind him, but he didn't catch the words. They were probably talking about him anyway, about how he was going to hold up without Frank, and Gerard would rather not listen to their predictions about his life, or what was left of it now that Frank was gone forever.

Bracing himself the best he could, Gerard tugged open the door to his home, wincing slightly at the quiet that met his ears, not that he expected there to be any sound, but the silence seemed deafening, as if the entire structure was holding its breath, waiting for someone who would never again walk through these doors.

And for the first time in ages, Gerard felt like a stranger in his own house, because for two months, this hadn't been just his home, it had been his and _Frank's_ , and without his boyfriend by his side, this was just another building, just another place, nothing more and nothing less.

Gerard's eyes darted around wildly, almost as if they had a mind of their own, and maybe if they searched hard enough, they would spy Frank trying to hide away from Gerard's prying gaze, giggling to himself at his lame attempt to surprise Gerard, but _no_ \- that was ridiculous, and Gerard needed to get a hold of himself before he lost his mind in this delusional state.

Forcing himself to stop looking for someone who wasn't there, Gerard walked further into the living room, trying to avoid the spot that Frank had collapsed on, not wanting to trigger a memory of Frank's final moments just yet - or _ever_ really.

Gerard wandered around aimlessly for a bit, tugging off his shoes and throwing them in a random direction, which is something he would never have done while Frank was still there, because Frank might not have been able to see the small obstruction, and he could have tripped over it, but now Gerard didn't have to worry about things like that, but _god_ \- he would give anything to have that fear back as long as Frank came with it.

Stumbling upstairs groggily, Gerard's feet automatically carried him to the bedroom he had shared with Frank, and the sight of it almost brought him to his knees with sorrow, because nothing had changed - not that Gerard had expected someone to have miraculously cleaned up while he was at the hospital, but _still_ \- seeing Frank's clothes strewn out on the floor like they were just waiting for him to come back had Gerard choking on another sob, his legs wobbling as he made his way over to the bed, the sheets still rumpled from last night.

Gerard's strength seemed to give out just then, so with a soft sigh, he curled up on the mattress, pulling Frank's pillow to his face, and _fuck_ \- it still smelled like his shampoo. Gerard clutched the soft mound as if it was Frank himself, inhaling deeply to try and absorb as much of Frank's scent as he could.

"Gee - you okay?" Mikey's voice floated into the room, but Gerard didn't even bother lifting his head to ascertain his exact location.

"Yeah...I'm just - I'm gonna sleep for a bit," Gerard called back, his voice coming out weak and fluttery despite his best efforts.

"Okay..." Mikey answered reluctantly, his footsteps retreating back down the stairs after a few seconds, but Gerard knew he would return soon to make sure that Gerard wasn't doing anything harmful to himself.

And even though the idea seemed appealing, Gerard couldn't summon the effort to move, even just lying here was exhausting, and it wasn't long before Gerard found his eyes fluttering shut, tears pooling against his lashes as he allowed his mind to drift into slumber, the blessed darkness erasing all of his pain and loneliness for a few short hours.


	21. Now Come One Come All To This Tragic Affair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder that there is still three more chapters to go after this one ^_^

A week had passed since Frank's death, and it was simultaneously the longest and shortest week of Gerard's life; some days it seemed that it had only been moments ago that he had held Frank in his arms, only for it to feel as if years had passed since Gerard had last heard Frank's deep voice, last pressed his lips to Frank's slightly chapped ones.

Gerard kept expecting Frank to walk in his front door at any moment, his eyes sparkling with glee, music from some obscure punk band blasting out of the headphones he always had looped around his neck, and he would be healthy again, and everything would be _perfect_ , but of course that would never happen, because Frank was gone, but Gerard wasn't ready to let go of his little fantasy just yet.

Mikey and Pete basically ended up living with Gerard in the days following Frank's death, and really, they were the only ones doing any actual living, because Gerard sure as hell wasn't, even though his body was still functioning, he wasn't truly alive, not even _close_ , and he was beginning to think he never would be again, because Frank made life worth living, and now he was gone, so what was the point?

Gerard didn't cry much after the first day, it hurt too much, and it was as if his emotions had receded somewhere deep inside his body, leaving Gerard numb and slightly achy. He was unable to truly handle anything other than daily mundane tasks, and even then, Gerard spent the majority of his time sleeping, it was easier that way.

Mikey and Pete were always there though, trying to coax him out of bed, spending time with him even though he would rather be left alone, forcing him to watch his favorite movie, or brush his hair, or whatever they thought Gerard needed to be doing, and even though Gerard detested all of the attention at times, he was grateful to Mikey for trying, and especially Pete for putting up with him, even though he could have easily gone back to New York, but he didn't, although that probably had quite a bit to do with Mikey's presence more than Gerard's worrisome state, but still, Gerard was thankful to him all the same.

In a way, Gerard almost felt like they had become his parents; they cooked his meals, cleaned up after him when he couldn't be bothered, and even though it was a strange situation to be in, Gerard needed someone to help him with those things right now, so even though he felt like a burden, he didn't ask them to leave, not yet anyway.

The only downside to having them here was the uncomfortable twisting in Gerard's gut whenever he saw Pete and Mikey cuddled up on the couch together, the sharp spike of pain that shot through his chest when Pete pressed a chaste kiss to Mikey's cheek, because even though Gerard could tell the two were being careful not to get carried away in front of him, the smallest thing they did reminded him of his and Frank's relationship.

Every time it happened, Gerard's heart would physically ache, but Mikey deserved to be happy, so Gerard kept his mouth shut, turning his head away whenever it became too much for him to bear.  

Gerard tried to act like everything was okay, mostly for his brother's sake; he ate when Mikey placed food in front of him, he attempted conversation, he even resisted the urge to self-harm, and although Mikey assured him numerous times that he didn't expect Gerard to instantly get over this, Gerard feared that he would never recover from the gaping wound that Frank's death had ripped into his heart.

And Gerard knew that it would only widen today, because Frank's funeral was this afternoon, and Gerard would have to face everyone's tear stained cheeks, the pitying stares from his friends and family, but worst of all, Frank would be there, even though it wasn't really him, just a shell of the man who had once meant everything to Gerard.

Looping the tie he hadn't worn since Elena's funeral around his neck, Gerard glanced at his reflection in the dirty mirror hanging in his bathroom; his skin was pale - even more so than usual, and the bags underneath his eyes made him look sickly, although Gerard had been getting more than enough sleep, so he was slightly confused by their presence, his hair was greasy and matted, even after his attempt to run a brush though it a few times. Overall, Gerard looking miserable - _broken_ even, which perfectly matched how he felt inside.

"You almost ready Gerard, we need to leave soon," Mikey's voice floated down the hall, snapping Gerard's gaze away from the sad picture he presented, and with a shake of his head, he descended downstairs, his hands trembling slightly as he tried to prepare himself for what was about to come.

Mikey was sitting on the couch, probably waiting for Pete, since he didn't appear to be around yet, so Gerard slumped down next to him, glancing at his brother out of the corner of his eye, who looked even thinner than usual in his black suit.

"You okay Gee?" Mikey asked softly.

"I -" Gerard had been planning on saying he was fine, but the words burned his throat, being replaced by an entirely different sentence instead. "I don't want to go Mikey, please don't make me," Gerard pleaded quietly, his earlier resolve to make it through the day crumbling down around him.

He couldn't do this, he just _couldn't_ ; he wasn't ready to see Frank's corpse, or to say goodbye, and even though Gerard knew it would be disrespectful of him to skip out on Frank's funeral, he honestly didn't think he could participate in this without breaking completely.

"Gee...I know it will be hard, but this is for Frank, he would want you to be there, and it's going to be okay, you need this closure."

"I - okay..." Gerard mumbled, snapping his mouth shut quickly before any of the sobs lurking inside of him could escape. He knew trying to talk his way out of this was pointless anyway, he shouldn't even have bothered, and he would most likely regret not going at some point.

"Ready dudes?" Pete asked as he strolled into the living room, running a hand through his hair nervously as his gaze bounced between the two brothers.

"Yes," Mikey answered for the both of them, nudging Gerard lightly in the side when he didn't immediately get up.

Gerard demanded on driving, because the idea of sitting in the back seat with nothing to do besides think did not seem appealing, but the closer he got to the funeral home, the tighter his grip became on the wheel, the more his hands shook erratically, the harder it got to breathe, and of course, Mikey noticed, demanding that Gerard pull over so Pete could switch out with him.

Gerard tried to argue, but he could barely draw enough breath to speak, and the last thing he wanted to do was to crash the car on the way to Frank's funeral, so he relinquished his seat, stumbling into the back instead, his head feeling too heavy for his neck to support.

Much too soon for Gerard's liking, Pete stopped the car, and Gerard could see the expanse of graves surrounding the area. Frank hadn't wanted a ceremony in a church, he just wanted a simple gathering, a few words spoken over his body before he was lowered into the ground, and Gerard had made sure that his final wishes were respected, even though his mother hadn't been happy about it.

"Gerard, we are here," Mikey's voice reached Gerard as if from a distance, but he didn't need Mikey to tell him that anyway. He knew where he was, he could already see the small crowd of people gathered around the white coffin - they were slightly late by now after all, and the whole procession was probably waiting on them, but Gerard couldn't move, he was literally paralyzed with fear.

"Gee, _hey_ \- listen to me, you need to breathe okay, look at me..." Mikey begged, his lanky body bending over the center console so he could reach out to his brother, but Gerard was already lost, the panic attack washing over his mind with the speed of an out of control freight train. "Pete, help me - we need to calm him down."

Gerard felt a hand pushing his hair back from him face, another touching his shoulder; he wasn't sure whose they were, his eyes were squeezed tightly shut as he tried to force his lungs to function properly again, but colorful spots were already erupting behind his closed eyelids, his body falling limply against the seat as he ceased to struggle against this any longer.

"Frank?" Gerard gasped out, leaning into the fingers brushing against his scalp in the way Frank always used to, but Frank was dead, so it couldn't be him, and that realization had Gerard groaning weakly, his hand batting away the sensation that was doing nothing besides reminding him of his long lost love.

"Gerard, I know you are in there, so I want you to listen to me. You can beat this, I know you can, because Frank needs you right now. He might be dead, but he's not gone, I know he's not - he's here, watching you, and it hurts him so much to see you this way, so please Gerard, take a breath, not for me, or for Mikey, or even for you - do it for _Frank_ ," Pete's voice managed to break through Gerard's frantic state, and even though he didn't want to listen to what he was saying, he found himself hanging on to every word.

And somehow, Pete's plea began to sink into Gerard's fuzzy brain, even though Pete was the last person Gerard would have thought would be able to get through to him, but he did, and Gerard found himself heaving in air suddenly, his chest loosening up as oxygen began to return to it once again.

"There you go." Gerard could hear more than see the smile in Pete's words, and he didn't miss the sound of Mikey's lips connecting briefly with Pete's for one second either, probably as some sort of thank you for calming his brother down, and once Gerard had regained control of his muscles, he shot Pete a small smile of appreciation.

After Gerard had calmed down enough to walk again, he allowed Mikey to lead him toward what would soon be Frank's grave, keeping his eyes trained downward so he wouldn't have to physically see where they were headed.

Gerard was instantly pulled into conversation when they reached the edge of the small gathering of people who had come to pay their last respects to Frank, faking a smile when Frank's mother approached him, waving weakly at his parents who had managed to get the day off to come down for this, as well as doing his best to avoid Frank's father, who was hovering in the back with a dazed expression on his face, his eyes locked onto Frank's coffin as if he couldn't believe his son was truly inside.

Without any conscious though on Gerard's part, he found his feet heading over toward where Frank lay, Pete and Mikey getting lost in the crowd somewhere behind him. The sounds of idle chatter and soft sniffling fading away until Gerard felt as if he was alone in the grave strewn field, the only other person in his small universe was lying still in an open casket, and as much as Gerard didn't want to look, he _had_ to, he didn't have a choice.

Peering inside warily, Gerard held his breath as he gazed down at Frank for the last time. Frank looked beautiful, not that Gerard was surprised, but he honestly seemed as if he could simply be sleeping if he ignored the fact that his skin was slightly too pale, and his chest didn't rise and fall, but his face looked the same as ever, and it might have been Gerard's imagination, but Frank's lips seemed to be turned upward at the corners, as if was smiling at Gerard, even in death.

Choking back his cry of despair, Gerard turned away abruptly, not wanting to break down in front of a group of relative strangers, and as soon as Gerard vacated the area, the pastor took his place, clearing his throat slightly before beginning to speak.

The funeral proceeded in a haze of hushed words and stifled sobs, but everything went through Gerard's mind like water entering a sieve, nothing stuck, instead, Gerard found himself thinking about Frank; his playful smirk dancing across his memories, that ridiculous giggle of his that never failed to make Gerard laugh along ringing in his ears, the way Frank's hair curled slightly when it got too long, causing Frank to constantly be brushing it out of his face, which was the state it was currently in right now, even though it had been styled by whoever did that sort of thing. Gerard was determined to hold onto every minute detail of Frank, refusing to let even one thing slip from his memory.

Before Gerard knew it, Mikey was nudging him gently, snapping him out of his daydream, and Gerard realized it was time for him to speak. He hadn't paid any attention to what everyone else was saying, something about what a great person Frank was, and how they all would miss him. Gerard didn't have anything planned, but he knew he could talk about Frank for hours without any notes, as long as he didn't start crying that is.

Everyone was staring at Gerard now; he recognized most of the faces, but he had left it to Frank's mother to send out the invitations, not particularly caring who showed up as long as Mikey and his parents were there. Stepping up in front of Frank's coffin wearily, Gerard placed one hand upon the warm wood, somehow taking comfort from it, as if he was actually holding Frank's hand.

"This man was taking from life too early for me to say goodbye," Gerard began shakily, tears already forming at the corners of his eyes, "and I just want to let you all know who he was to me; he started out as my best friend, the guy I could always talk to, high school was bearable because of Frank, and honestly, I am not sure if I would be standing here if it wasn't for him. We looked out for each other, and I cared so much for him, but then I discovered that I loved him more than I ever thought it was possible to love another person - _fuck_ , I still love him, and I don't think I will ever stop. He was my _everything_...and he always will be, he was the person who made me want to get up in the morning, every day with him was a happy one, and it hurts so much to know that I will never get another moment with him. I will never forget the little things about him, how much he loved to shop, the way he always needed caffeine to function, how he always put others first. The entire time that he was ill, he never once worried what would happen to him; he only cared about us, about hurting his mother, or me, or his friends. He was so selfless, and I didn't deserve him, but that made what we had even more special. He will always own my heart, and I still don't understand how someone like him was cursed with such an early death, but I hope he is happy wherever he is."

Gerard found himself overcome by sorrow at this point, and he could no longer continue speaking coherently, so he stepped away from Frank's casket blindly, seeking out Mikey's presence, trying his best to pick him out of the crowd as he swiped at the tears that were overflowing down his cheeks.

The pastor said a few more words after that, Frank's coffin illuminated by the last rays of the rapidly setting sun as the ceremony began to wrap up. Gerard watched with bated breath as Frank was lowered into the ground, every inch taking him farther away from the world of the living, away from Gerard.

The sun sank below the horizon just as Frank's casket touched the bottom of the freshly dug hole, one last gleam of light winking softly as if in a silent salute to Frank; even nature mourned his death, and the scene had caused more tears to spill down Gerard's cheeks, his body shaking with silent sobs.

The crowd began to break up then, but Gerard refused to move, not yet anyway. He could feel Mikey and Pete standing behind him, and he knew he would have to return to them soon, but he wasn't ready yet, because he couldn't pretend that Frank would somehow reappear in his life, not after the funeral, not after seeing his body with his own eyes, and he didn't know how to fake his way through life now that the petty illusion he had constructed was destroyed.

But eventually, Gerard did move; he allowed himself to be led away by his little brother, saying goodbye to Frank one last time in his mind, and so ended one of the worst days of Gerard's life, and he had no idea how he would make it through another one.


	22. My Guardian Angel Until The Very End

Life returned to normal after Frank's funeral, time continued to move forward, summer began to phase into the milder temperatures of fall, children returned to school, happy couples strolled by with their hands entwined, and it all felt so _wrong_ , because Gerard was stuck, stagnating in a perpetual state of mourning that showed no signs of lessening in the near future, and he didn't understand how no one else was even remotely affected by Frank's death.

Gerard was actually angry with everyone for pretending everything was okay, because it wasn't, not even _close_ \- fuck, the world should be ending, the apocalypse should have started the second Frank passed away, and _yes_ \- Gerard knew he was being ridiculous, but he honestly didn't understand how the earth could continue to turn without Frank in.

It didn't help that he was alone now, with nothing but his memories of Frank to keep him company. Mikey and Pete had returned to New York a few weeks ago, school had started up again after all, and just because Gerard had decided to take a year off didn't mean he expected his brother to stay with him the entire time.

Still, Gerard was _lonely_ ; he missed Mikey's presence - hell, he even missed Pete, but although they had invited him to move up to New York with them, Gerard just couldn't - _not_ _yet_. He wasn't ready to leave the home that he had shared with Frank, no matter how painful staying here was.

Mikey wasn't happy with Gerard's decision, and neither were his parents, but Gerard didn't really care; he was an adult, and he didn't want to burden them with his presence, because they didn't deserve that, and he knew that was all he would be to them in his current state.

Honestly, Gerard didn't want anyone to see him this way, because Gerard may have thought he had been a mess in the week after Frank's death, but now he was barely alive; he hardly slept, he forgot to eat more often than not, he didn't speak with anyone besides the occasional phone call to Mikey, during which he faked a happy tone and tried to convince his brother that he was coping, even though he was anything but - _still_ , Gerard didn't need Mikey to know that, because Mikey couldn't help him now, no one could, except for Frank, and he was lost to Gerard forever.

Gerard was self-harming again; he hadn't wanted to, because he knew Frank would kill him if he was here, but Gerard couldn't help himself. He barely felt anything now that Frank was gone, he didn't even cry anymore, and it wasn't because he didn't want to - _fuck_ , he felt like he should be a sobbing wreck most of time, but he just physically couldn't. His body had numbed itself in some sort of defensive mechanism, and even though it helped in a way, Gerard hated not being able to experience any emotions at all.

But he could feel the blade, the pain, the hot blood running down his wrist, and he _needed_ that, he needed those moments, because without them, he wouldn't be able to release everything that was slowly building up inside of him, but even with his ever increasing sessions with his razor, Gerard was breaking apart piece by piece, and he knew it was only a matter of time before he snapped completely.

Weeks dragged on, but Gerard didn't pay them any mind. Without Frank, Gerard had no purpose in life, and he spent most of his waking moments relieving the past; his dreams were constantly filled with Frank as well, the happy ones almost hurt more than the nightmares of his death, because when Gerard woke up, he was forced to face the fact that it wasn't real, and Frank hadn't been snuggled into his side only moments ago, which usually left him staring at the ceiling until morning, too afraid to fall back asleep and too tired to move.

It was after one such dream that Gerard decided he couldn't do this anymore; Frank had been wrapped in Gerard's arms, their lips brushing against each other in a flurry of tender kisses, and _fuck_ \- it had felt so real, and Gerard wanted that sensation back, he _needed_ it. He was nothing without Frank, just a broken, empty version of the man he used to be, and even though he was being selfish, Gerard had lost the will to continue living, he just wanted to be with Frank, and even if killing himself didn't reunite him with his lover, at least this waking nightmare would be over, and maybe Gerard could finally gain the peace that he so desperately craved.

Gerard had made up his mind, and he knew he wasn't going to back out this time; Mikey wasn't here to stop him, and even though Gerard hated the fact that this his actions would end up hurting his brother, the regret wasn't nearly as poignant as the eternal suffering he was now wading through, and Mikey would be okay eventually - he was _strong_ , so much stronger than Gerard, and he had Pete to help him through this, so at least he wouldn't be alone.

Now all that was left was to decide how to end it, and even though Gerard's first instinct was to cut, he wasn't sure if he could successfully do that without passing out; he didn't make it a habit to go too deep, and on the off chance that Mikey came down this weekend to visit, he didn't want his brother to find him unconscious instead of dead.

Gerard didn't own a gun, so that left him with one other option, the wide variety of pills in his cabinet. Taking enough of those should end things quickly, much quicker than bleeding out, and Gerard just wanted this to be over, no mistakes, no chance of resuscitation, so he pulled out every bottle he owned, lining up over forty pills on his kitchen counter, his hands shaking softly as he completed the task.

Grabbing one of his many sketchbooks which had been sitting untouched on the table for weeks, Gerard ripped out a blank page, searching the room for a pencil so he could try and explain to Mikey why he had to do this, even though he was certain that Mikey would understand - he might not agree with Gerard, but this would come as no surprise to him.

_Mikey_

_I tried...I really did, but I just can't do it, I can't keep living this way. I miss Frank so much, and I have to take this chance to be with him again._

_I know it might not work, and if you were here right now, you would be calling me an idiot and rolling your eyes, in the most loving way possible of course, but I need to do this. I'm not myself without him, and I never will be._

_Please don't be upset with me, I am going to be happy now, I hope..._

_Tell Mom and Dad I love them, and that I'm sorry._

_xoxoG_

Gerard frowned down at what he had written; it didn't seem like enough, but he couldn't think of anything to add. A part of him wanted to call Mikey one last time, to have his voice be the final sound he heard before his life ended, but Mikey would know something was wrong, Gerard wouldn't be able to hide his inner turmoil from his brother this time, so the letter would have to do.

Gerard stepped away from the pills from a moment, choosing to wander around the house aimlessly, saying a silent goodbye to the building that had meant so much to him; it had been Elena's, and then his, and then his and Frank's, and now it would be his tomb.

Eventually, Gerard ended up back in the kitchen, the pills calling out to him from where they lay; it was as if Gerard could physically feel them pulling him closer, they were begging to be taken, and Gerard didn't have the strength to fight their powerful allure any longer.

One by one, he began popping pills, not bothering to keep count of how many he consumed, pausing after every few to gulp down some water, his stomach beginning to churn after the first twenty or so. Gerard welcomed it though, he opened himself up to the feeling, because that meant the end was near, and Gerard wasn't afraid, not even close - _actually_ , he was relieved.

"Gerard..." The soft voice caused Gerard to drop the glass he had been holding, shards skittering across the kitchen floor as Gerard's eyes danced around wildly.

This couldn't be happening, Gerard was just delusional, or hallucinating, or _something_ , even though it was too soon for the pills to be affecting him that strongly, but whatever the case may be, that had been Frank who had spoken, Gerard would recognize that tone anywhere, but that was impossible - _wasn't it?_

"Gerard." The voice was louder now, more insistent, and before Gerard's very eyes, a shimmery image of Frank appeared, causing Gerard to gasp in surprise, the few pills still stuck in his throat choking him as he tried to form a coherent sentence.

" _Frank_...is - is that you?" Gerard gasped shakily, his body taking an involuntary step backward, even though what he really wanted was to run into Frank's arms, to try and touch the apparition that couldn't be real, but Gerard didn't give a shit right now, because it looked like Frank, and it sounded like Frank, and that was good enough for him.

"Gerard...you promised me, you promised that you would live on without me, so why are you doing this?" Frank asked softly, his bottom lip quivering slightly in the way it always did when he was about to cry.

"It is you - oh god Frank, I missed you so much," Gerard cried, ignoring Frank's question completely as he crossed the room in three large strides, eliminating the distance between him and Frank as quickly as possible, reaching up with a trembling hand to touch Frank, but he felt nothing, only air, even though he could see Frank standing before him plain as day.

"I'm here baby, I told you I would find a way to watch over you. Even though you can't always see me, I promise you that I am right by your side, every second of every day. Whenever you need me, I'll be there, and I know it isn't the same, but I'm not gone, and I'm happy now, and I'm not in pain, but I will be if you don't throw those fucking pills away." The image of Frank smiled softly to take the sting out of his words, and even though Gerard wasn't sure if this was all a product of his own mind or not, Frank's words still hit him hard, and he felt a spike of guilt rising in his gut as he glanced over to the pills still resting on the counter top.

"But Frank...I just want to be with you, I can't live without you, _I tried_ , and it's so hard. I'm sorry - so fucking sorry, but you were the only thing in my life that made it bearable, and I just..." Gerard trailed off under Frank's gaze, his hands twisting nervously behind his back while he tried to find a better way to explain himself.

"I know Gee, believe me, I do, and I miss you too, but this isn't okay, this won't bring us back together. I promise you, if you hold on, that everything will get better, and one day, we will be reunited again, but not like this baby...not now," Frank explained, a wistful expression crossing his face as he spoke.

Gerard had no reason to trust this apparition, because for all he knew, this Frank could simply be a product of his own mind, and all of this was lies, but if Frank was in his head, wouldn't he be agreeing with Gerard? Gerard didn't know, but he did know that he felt awful for betraying Frank's trust, and as much as he wanted to die, it didn't feel right completing the task with Frank here watching him, hallucination or not.

"I - I'll try Frank, but I think I might have taken too many already," Gerard whispered softly, his hands coming up to clutch at his stomach as a hot rush of pain enveloped him, his insides twisting uncomfortably as he squeezed his eyes tightly shut.

"Gee - baby, I need you to listen to me, you have to throw up okay, please?" Frank pleaded, his hands pushing Gerard gently over to the sink, and Gerard barely had time to comprehend the fact that he could feel the pressure of Frank's palms against his back, the agony in his body was distracting him from everything else, and it was taking all of his concentration to keep listening to Frank words. "Stick your fingers in your throat baby, come on, you don't have much time."

Gerard didn't have a chance to protest, because Frank was moving his hand for him, forcing it into his mouth, and Gerard let him, leaning back against Frank as he began to gag heavily, and it wasn't long before Gerard was vomiting noisily in the sink, the undigested pills mixing in with the bile leaving his mouth.

Tears poured down Gerard's face as he continued to throw up, his throat burning as his body expelled everything that had been in his stomach, which honestly wasn't much, and that only made the grisly process even more painful. Frank was there the entire time though, whispering encouraging words in Gerard's ear until he was finished, helping him slump down against the counter when his legs gave out underneath him.

"How are you feeling Gee?" Frank questioned, his cool fingers brushing Gerard's hair back from his sweaty face. Gerard had stopped questioning Frank's existence at this point, right now, he was just glad that he was here, and he was trying his best to soak up every moment he had with him before he disappeared again.

"Uh...not good, I'm dizzy, and my stomach still really hurts," Gerard admitted weakly.

"Okay, _fuck_ \- you have to stay awake Gee. I need you to stand up and dial the phone, call 9-1-1, we need to get your stomach pumped," Frank begged, but Gerard could barely hear him now, everything around him was growing fuzzy, his head felt six sizes too large, and his neck wasn't able to support it anymore.

"Frankie...I love you," Gerard mumbled as the world began to spin wildly around him. "I will always love you."

"No - I'm not letting you die, please Gee, please get up," Frank whimpered, trying his hardest to tug Gerard to his feet, but even though Gerard could feel Frank's skin on his, his effort didn't produce any results, and Gerard stayed where he was on the cold tile floor.

As Frank continued to struggle in vain, he began to seem more insubstantial, his physical form blurring even more as Gerard watched, and Gerard wasn't sure if it was the oblivion of unconsciousness that was trying to drag him under making Frank appear that way, or simply his imagination, but Frank was definitely fading, and Gerard wasn't ready for Frank to leave him.

So, with a monumental effort, Gerard heaved himself to his feet, using the sink to anchor his arms when his legs wobbled unsteadily, and Frank's smile made it all worth it when Gerard began to inch his way toward the phone, fighting the blackness that was encroaching on his vision rapidly.

"That's it Gee, you are almost there, you can do this," Frank encouraged Gerard, his words helping Gerard find a hidden strength he didn't know he possessed.

Right before Gerard reached the landline, it began ringing, startling Gerard so much that he almost lost his footing, but somehow, he stayed on his feet, and with a last burst of strength, he grabbed the phone, cradling it to his chest as he collapsed once again.

"Hello?" Gerard heaved out, trying to force words past his aching throat.

"Hey Gee - are you okay? You weren't picking up on your cell phone," Mikey's voice chimed through the receiver, and Gerard heard Frank's sigh of relief when he caught on to who was on the other line.

"Tell him to call an ambulance baby," Frank whispered, and Gerard nodded slowly in response.

"Mikey - I need to go to the hospital...I took a lot of pills. I threw them up, but I think I'm going to pass out."

" _Fuck_ \- okay," Mikey was silent for a few moments, but Gerard could hear a quiet conversation going on in the background. "Pete is calling 9-1-1 right now, I'll be there as soon as I can...Gerard - _Gerard?_ " Mikey's voice became frantic when Gerard didn't immediately respond, a scuffling sound coming through the line which Gerard could only assume was Mikey getting ready to leave.

Gerard wanted to answer, but he couldn't seem to make his body cooperate, even his hand refused to hang onto the phone anymore, it clattered down next to him as his fingers lost his grip, but it didn't matter now, help was on the way, and so was Mikey, even though Gerard wasn't sure if that was what he wanted or not.

"Don't leave me Frank..." Gerard managed to choke out, turning toward the shimmering version of his boyfriend who was kneeling before him with a concerned look on his face.

"I won't love, I promise. Remember what I said okay...I'm always here, and I'll be waiting for you, but you need to wait for me as well," Frank whispered, his hand clasping Gerard's gently as he spoke.

And as much as Gerard's eyes wanted to close, he forced his lids to stay open so he could gaze at Frank for as long as possible, and even though Frank was definitely fading away now, his hazel irises still enraptured Gerard, overwhelming him with the sheer love that was reflected there.

Frank reached out with his free hand, brushing away a stray tear from Gerard's cheek that he couldn't remember shedding. Gerard sighed quietly at the feeling of Frank's soft skin on his own, his eyes fluttering shut in pure bliss, and once they were closed, Gerard couldn't find the strength to reopen them.

"I love you Gerard, forever and always," Frank's voice reached his ears, and then he was gone, Gerard knew without looking, because he could no longer feel Frank's hand in his, he could no longer sense his comforting presence.

Gerard whimpered softly, reaching out blindly for Frank, even though he knew he wasn't there, but it didn't matter anyway, because Gerard was losing the battle with his body, his limbs growing weaker as he slumped down inelegantly against the floor, his legs bumping the table, causing the note he had written to Mikey to fall next to him.

Gerard's last coherent thought was how happy Frank had looked when Gerard decided not to give up, the joy that had emitted from his every feature when Gerard answered the phone, and even though all Gerard had wanted for the past few months was to die, he found himself hoping that he would make it through this somehow.


	23. I'll Be Okay

Gerard was floating, suspended in a world of his own making, a land which consisted of soft planes of darkness that kept him safe, preventing him from feeling the pain his body was currently in, cocooning him away from reality for a short time.

But his hideaway wasn't perfect, and snippets of what was truly happening around him bled through; random images flashed before his eyes, his body on a stretcher, Mikey's tear stained face, white hospital walls, but they were gone as quickly as they came, and Gerard found it easy to simply ignore them, turning his back on whatever was occurring for just a little while longer.

The sounds were harder to block out though, and he was constantly assaulted with chunks of conversation, usually revolving around him, but Gerard didn't want to listen, he didn't want to hear Mikey's soft cries, or the doctor murmuring to himself as he worked. Gerard just wanted silence, peace, oblivion, but it didn't appear that he was going to get his wish.

Sinking down further into the blackness that was surrounding him, Gerard found that everything became slightly more muted the deeper he went, the outside word slipped away as he descended, so he concentrated as hard as he could, trying to bury himself in his dreamland until nothing could touch him. Gerard was tired - so very tired, and he just wanted to rest, was that too much to ask?

Apparently it was, because another voice reached Gerard's ears just when he had successfully eliminated the noise of the hospital, but this time, Gerard welcomed the intrusion, because this was the one person that Gerard would never turn away.

Gerard didn't even bother to question how Frank was here, because Gerard didn't even know where here was; his best guess was that he was in some sort of medical induced coma which had trapped him within his own thoughts, so in a way, it made sense that he would be seeing Frank, because the only place that Frank was still alive was in his memories.

"Hey baby," Frank smiled, his presence seeming to light up the suffocating darkness, and even though Gerard had been enjoying the sensation of being trapped in the void only seconds before, he found himself drawn to Frank's light, and he began moving closer to him without any conscious thought.

"Frankie," Gerard sighed happily, his head falling to rest on Frank's shoulder, and much to his relief, he didn't pass through him; Frank was solid, Frank was _real_ , at least for now.

Gerard had so many things he wanted to say, so many questions to ask, but for some reason, uttering that one word had exhausted him. Speaking seemed to be a difficult task in this place, as well as moving, and Gerard was more than content to simply sit here and enjoy the feeling of being pressed against Frank's small body.

Frank's arm instantly encircled Gerard's waist, holding him close, and Gerard had almost forgotten how much he missed this, the contact, the smell of Frank, _fuck_ \- everything about him, but even though Gerard felt as if he should be weeping with joy at the fact that Frank was back, or babbling, or hysterical, or _something_ , he wasn't for some reason.

Everything felt muted in this place, especially emotions, as if the calming darkness was leaking into Gerard's heart, soothing the internal pain that Gerard had been living with for the past few months, and even though his lack of reaction to Frank's appearance was a bit worrisome, he didn't want to fret about it right now, not when everything was finally perfect for once.

"Where am I Frankie?" Gerard asked after a few minutes of silence, his curiosity eventually overwhelming the part of his mind that didn't give two shits about what was happening to him.

"You are in-between life and death, a sort of holding place until you decide one way or the other," Frank replied, his arms tightening around Gerard minutely as he spoke.

"Huh," Gerard grunted, his brain trying to process this newfound information. "How long have I been here?"

"Not long, but I'm not sure exactly, maybe a day?" Frank shrugged noncommittally, shifting Gerard's head from his shoulder in the process, but Gerard didn't mind, he simply laid down in Frank's lap instead, his eyes threatening to close as Frank began running his fingers through his hair.

"I want to stay here with you," Gerard mumbled sleepily, because he did, more than anything. This is what he had wanted to happen when he had decided to end it all, and now he was with Frank again, so even if he was trapped in a world of eternal darkness, it was still the best place to be as long as Frank was there.

"I know baby, but you _can't_...that's why I'm here, you have to choose soon, this place isn't permanent," Frank explained, his fingers never faltering in their constant movement through Gerard's dark locks. Gerard was suddenly struck by how their positions had reversed, because it always used to be Gerard who did this to Frank, but now it was the other way around, and Gerard was truly enjoying being comforted by Frank.

"How do I make my decision?" Gerard finally spoke up, because as much as he wanted to stay here for the rest of his life, he only desired that if Frank was with him, and he somehow knew that Frank couldn't stay here with him for much longer.

"It's simple really - if you want to stay alive, you wake up, but if you don't snap yourself out of this soon, then you die." Frank's voice cracked at the end, causing Gerard to sit up slightly so he could get a better look at Frank's face.

"Don't cry Frankie... _please?_ " Gerard begged when he caught sight of Frank's watery eyes.

"I'm won't...I'm okay, I just don't want you to die Gerard, but I can feel how much you want it, and it hurts," Frank sniffled softly.

"I never meant to cause you pain Frank, I just want to be with you," Gerard choked out, his own tears threatening to spill over as Frank buried his face in Gerard's chest, his body trembling slightly as he tried to hold back his sobs.

"I know, but like I said before, this isn't the way...if you die right now, I won't be able to follow you, but if you keep fighting, if you stay alive, I'll be with you every step of the way, and I want to watch you grow old Gerard, I want to see you achieve your dreams, and fall in love again, and in the end, I'll get you back, but it all comes down to you now...I can't make up your mind for you," Frank whispered, his words coming out muffled because of the way he was still pressed against Gerard.

Gerard couldn't respond at first; Frank's pleading had him struck speechless, because even though he wanted to assure Frank that he could do what he wanted, the thought of tackling all of those tasks without Frank left a bitter taste in his mouth, and even if he somehow got everything he wanted out of life, it wouldn't matter to him, because he wouldn't have Frank to share them with.

But on the other hand, the only point of his death had been to join Frank, and if Frank was telling the truth, and he wasn't there when he died, Gerard would have nothing once again; he would have hurt Mikey, and his parents, all for a desperate bid that failed in the end, so as much as Gerard cringed to think of waking up and facing the consequences of his actions, he couldn't bear to disappoint Frank, and if worst came to worst, Gerard could always change his mind later, but if he chose death, there would be no second chances, no opportunity to back out of what might have been a hastily made decision.

"I - okay Frank, I want to wake up," Gerard sighed heavily, the area surrounding them instantly growing brighter as he spoke.

" _Really?_ " Frank choked out, his head lifting up from its position against Gerard's t-shirt, a hopeful expression erasing Frank's previous tears.

"I - I do, and I'll try harder Frank, for you," Gerard promised, even though he wasn't sure how successful he would be once he could no longer physically see Frank watching over him, if he even was, because this could still all be a product of his imagination after all.

"You can do it Gerard, I know you can, and you won't be alone." Frank was beginning to fade away once again, just like before, but Gerard refused to relinquish his hold on him just yet.

"Will I ever see you again?" Gerard asked shakily, his throat closing up with suppressed sobs as the feeling of Frank's body against his own became more insubstantial with every passing moment.

"Hopefully, I don't know for sure, but if you look hard enough, you will find me, maybe not physically, but I will always be by your side," Frank smiled, a genuine smile that Gerard hadn't seen grace Frank's lips in far too long.

"Kiss me," Gerard begged, desperate to feel Frank's lips against his one last time.

Frank complied instantly, surging upward so he could connect his and Gerard's mouths in a passionate kiss, their lips moving against each other with a sense of familiarity, even though it had been months since Gerard had last experienced this, but kissing Frank was something he would never forget, no matter how much time had passed.

"I love you," Frank mumbled against Gerard's mouth.

"I love you too," Gerard gasped out, a few tears dripping down his cheeks as they continued to kiss, and Gerard honestly wasn't sure if they were his or Frank's, but it didn't matter.

"Wake up now baby, I'll see you soon," Frank whispered as they pulled apart, his forehead resting against Gerard's gently, but Gerard could barely feel the pressure of Frank's skin on his, he could hardly _see_ Frank anymore; he was transparent now, the ever increasing light shining straight through his body, and Gerard could hear the real world again, loud and clear, and he knew he only had seconds left before he was separated from the love of his life once again.

Gerard wanted to say something, he needed to tell Frank how much he meant to him, and how much he would miss him, but from the look in his eyes, Frank already knew, so instead, Gerard pressed their lips together one last time, sighing into Frank's mouth happily as they melded together, trying his best to memorize this feeling, to immortalize it so he could carry it with him into the world of the living.

All of a sudden, Frank was gone, and Gerard fell forward into thin air, but before he had a chance to cry, or scream, or beg for Frank to come back, his body was dragged upward into the source of the brilliant light that was now surrounding him, so Gerard simply closed his eyes, surrendering himself to whatever was about to happen, because that was what Frank wanted, and Gerard couldn't fail him again.

\---------------------------------------------

Gerard forced his eyes to open, squinting against the bright light that assaulted his corneas, and once his vision finally cleared, he wasn't surprised to find himself ensconced in a hospital bed, but he would be lying if he said he wasn't just the smallest bit disappointed that he had indeed woken up.

No matter what he had told Frank, Gerard wasn't sure he was ready for this, and a large part of him had been hoping that he had been too far gone to save, that he would die anyway, no matter what choice he made, but apparently, that wasn't the case, and now Gerard was back in the real world, the ever present ache in his heart returning the instant he realized he was alone once again.

Gerard breathed in deeply, trying to bury the sobs that were threatening to overwhelm him, because the last thing he wanted to do was cry right now; he honestly didn't think he could handle any more pain, and his burning stomach and torn up throat was quite enough for him right now.

"Gerard...you awake?" A familiar voice asked quietly, and even though Gerard had been expecting to see Mikey when he turned his head, it was Pete who was standing in the doorway with a worried expression on his face.

"Yeah...hey," Gerard exhaled shakily, shifting his position on the bed slightly so he was angled in Pete's direction.

"God - you scared the shit out of us," Pete chuckled weakly as he crossed the room, sitting down in one of the chairs littered around the small area.

"I know...I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, _fuck_ \- I'm just glad that Mikey called when he did," Pete sighed, running his hands through his hair absentmindedly, which Gerard had learned was a nervous habit of his.

"Where is Mikey?" Gerard questioned, his eyes glancing around for any sign of his little brother.

"Fast asleep in the waiting room, they wouldn't let us come back here while they were pumping your stomach, and I didn't have the heart to wake him just yet," Pete explained, a minuscule smile crossing his face when he said Mikey's name.

"Oh...how mad is he, you can be honest." Gerard braced himself for the worst, because if he was in Mikey's position, he knew he would be furious.

"He's not angry with you Gerard... _well_ \- not really, he's just scared, and confused. We thought you were doing better, it's been almost three months now since Frank died, but then you go and do this...we just don't understand why."

"I just - _fuck_ Pete, it's hard to explain, but imagine if Mikey died, try and pretend you knew that every day you would wake up, and he wasn't going to be there, and everything you once looked forward to was erased from the world. Everyone says that time makes things better, but each second without Frank is killing me...I never wanted to hurt anyone, especially not Mikey, but this isn't living, I'm fading away each day, and I - I just wanted to see him again," Gerard trailed off with a sniffle, his eyes watering as he tried his best to paint a picture that Pete could comprehend.

"Honestly, I don't want to know what it would be like to live without Mikey, but I know it would hurt - _fuck_ \- it would hurt a hell of a lot." Pete paused for a moment to compose himself, and Gerard realized that his words had affected Pete more than he expected them to. "I guess I understand why you would want to give up on living, and I couldn't promise you that I wouldn't feel the same way if I lost Mikey, but as much as I hate sounding like a hypocrite, we _need_ you Gerard, especially Mikey. He's been worried sick about you lately, he pretty much had a full blown panic attack on the way down here, and even if you don't want to live anymore, Mikey needs you to...and I do, and your parents do - _fuck_ , Frank does too. We all love you Gerard, and we just want to be there for you, but you have to let us in."

"I know, and...I want to try. I - I saw Frank when I was unconscious, or I think I did - I'm not sure, but either way, he said pretty much the same thing. I'm just _scared_ , and I don't know how to deal with this heaviness inside of me...I need help Pete," Gerard choked out, his stomach twisting uncomfortably as he bared his inner thoughts to Pete, who only a few months ago had simply been Mikey's annoying boyfriend, but now he was so much more than that, he was someone who cared, he was a _friend_ , and Gerard needed as many of those as he could get right now.

"And we want to help you, let us take you back to New York, you don't even have to sell your house, Mikey explained how much it means to you, and we can come back here on weekends and stuff, but I don't think you should be living there alone right now, and the doctor said you need to be under supervision for a while..."

"Yeah...okay, I will go with you, I'm tired of being alone," Gerard agreed, even though he wasn't completely sure if he was ready to be surrounded by other people just yet, but the instant the words left his mouth, the every present tightness in his chest loosened a small fraction - not all the way, just enough to show Gerard that he had made the right decision, and maybe if he kept fighting to survive, it would eventually dissipate completely.

" _Thank god_ \- okay, I'm going to go wake up Mikey now, he is going to be so happy to hear that you are coming back with us, don't move okay?"

"I don't think I could even if I wanted to," Gerard laughed softly, holding up his arms that were connected to numerous machines, doing his best to ignore the way he could feel a needle imbedded in his flesh.

"Right - okay, I'll be right back," Pete grinned as he headed for the door, almost tripping over his own feet in his hurry to get to Mikey.

Gerard rolled onto his back as soon as Pete was gone, taking a moment to compose himself before Pete returned with Mikey, because Gerard knew that he was about to be faced with an emotional reunion, and as much as he wanted to see his brother, a part of him wished that he could put this off for a little bit longer.

"Are you happy Frank...I'm trying this time, I really am," Gerard mumbled into thin air, his body shaking slightly as he began to comprehend what he had gotten himself into.

As much as Gerard knew he needed help, he also despised it, because having Mikey watch over him like a worried mother wasn't going to erase the pain of Frank's death, and what would happen when Gerard slipped up again, how would Mikey react, how long would it take before his own brother gave up on him as well?

"I'm so proud of you baby," a soft voice reached Gerard's ears, causing him to bolt upright quickly, his body twinging in pain at the unexpected motion, but the discomfort was worth it when he caught sight of Frank standing beside the one window in the room, his lips twisted upward in a smile and his eyes sparkling with joy.

But before Gerard could do or say anything else, the door was flung open, drawing Gerard's gaze away from Frank for a split second as Mikey bounded into the room, and even though his eyes immediately snapped back to where Frank had been only moments before, he was gone.

"Gee, _oh thank fuck_ \- you are okay," Mikey cried as he pulled Gerard into a loving embrace.

"Yeah - I think I might be," Gerard whispered softly, because although he knew he had a long battle ahead of him, Gerard had finally found some hope, and even if he had simply been imagining Frank once again, just the slim possibility that Frank was watching over him made Gerard want to try and be okay, because Gerard would want the same thing for Frank if it had been him who had died.

And as Mikey continued to hug him fiercely, with Pete gazing down at them with a happy smile on his face, Gerard swore he felt another pair of arms around him besides Mikey's, and for the first time in ages, Gerard didn't feel quite so lost, because he wasn't alone after all, and maybe if he let his loved ones in, he could finally begin to heal.


	24. Epilogue

_**Two years later...** _

"Hey Frankie." Gerard smiled softly, clutching the fresh bouquet of marigolds to his chest as he approached Frank's grave.

Gerard was mostly alone in the small cemetery besides an older man a few rows away, but he didn't seem to pay Gerard any mind, so Gerard settled himself by Frank's tombstone, pressing his back against the sun warmed marble before placing the flowers down next to him.

"I'm sorry I have been away for so long, but I'm back now, and I brought your favorite flowers as an apology - _see_ , they are even yellow," Gerard chuckled weakly, letting his eyes slip shut as he breathed in deeply, absorbing the peaceful aura that always surrounded this place.

It was as if he could physically feel Frank here with him, and even though Gerard had now convinced himself that Frank was watching over him in one way or another, his presence was always strongest at his grave, turning this place of sadness into a peaceful escape.

"I'm doing a lot better since my last visit...I'm sorry you had to see me that way, I was just so scared, but Mikey was right, as always, and being sent away really helped, I'm four months clean now," Gerard smiled proudly, twisting his bare arms toward the marble slab, showing off his fading scars to Frank.

After Gerard had moved in with Mikey and Pete, he had tried his best to refrain from self-harming, but that had been easier said than done, and he quickly found himself reverting back into his old habits, but even though he made sure to mutilating his thighs instead of his arms, Mikey still caught on, and after the third instance, Mikey insisted that Gerard needed professional help, ignoring Gerard's protests entirely.

Gerard didn't want to be sent away, because he had no idea how being locked in a place filled with complete strangers would make him want to stop self-harming, and Gerard had been getting better; he wasn't cutting to die, just to feel, but Mikey didn't listen to his arguments, and with his parents help, he had Gerard committed to an institution.

Gerard resisted of course, even going so far as to run away, taking the train back to Jersey, even though that would be the first place Mikey would look for him, but Gerard hadn't exactly been thinking rationally at the time, and it had only taken Mikey a few hours to find Gerard at Frank's grave, curled up on the ground as he sobbed softly.

Gerard couldn't fight his little brother forever though, not that Mikey was going to take no for an answer, and after numerous bitter arguments, Gerard gave in, allowing Mikey to lead him into the sterile looking building that was going to be his home for an undetermined amount of time.

Gerard had been miserable at first, refusing to talk to the numerous therapists he was forced to see, lashing out at every opportunity, he even managed to hurt himself numerous times. Gerard was just so angry, but most of all, he felt _abandoned_. Gerard had been separated from everyone he cared about and left to rot, but maybe he deserved this, maybe this was all his life was going to be now that Frank had been taking away from him.

Gerard wasn't really surprised that Mikey had locked him up in here, Gerard knew that Mikey would grow frustrated with him sooner or later, but it still hurt, and even the weekly visits from his family did nothing to alleviate the sense of betrayal that burned bright and hot in his chest.

But eventually, Gerard started to realize that he really did need help, and after numerous dreams involving Frank, in which he begged Gerard to keep fighting, promising that Mikey still loved him, he just couldn't stand to watch him hurt himself, Gerard began to participate in the daily session that he had so despised, only Frank's desperate pleas ringing in his ears allowing him to stomach the doctors fake smiles and promises of understanding.

At first, it was only to get out of this dreaded place that much sooner, and also to please Frank, but over time, his therapist's words began to sink in, and Gerard found other ways to deal with his internal pain besides the harmful habits he had picked up in his youth, channeling everything into the activities he once enjoyed, like writing and drawing, and actually seeking other's company when the urge to hurt became too strong.

Gerard opened up about everything, and despite his hatred of talking to strangers, he discovered that spilling the story of Frank brought him some relief, alleviating the painful pressure on his heart with every word that passed his lips. Gerard found himself explaining why he felt this way, why he needed to hurt, only leaving out the way he still saw Frank on rare occasions, not wanting to be labeled any more mentally unstable than he already was.

Eight months later, Gerard was officially released, and much to Gerard's surprise, he actually felt better, ready to face the world, and even though he still felt the urge to self-harm every now and then, resisting it was much easier than it had been before, and he instantly turned to Mikey whenever his mind began to turn toward such thoughts.

"I wanted to come visit you as soon as I got out, but Mikey was worried that it might set my progress back, and then - well, I got into art school Frank, the one I always wanted to go to. I started in September, and it's been keeping me really busy, but that's not a good excuse, and I am going to come see you more often now that I have my feet back under me again."

Gerard shifted into a more comfortable position against the now cooling stone, the setting sun failing to provide it with as much warmth as before, but it always felt slightly heated to Gerard, and he liked to imagine he was leaning up against Frank instead of a piece of marble, he could even imagine his small arms wrapped around his waist if he tried.

"School is great Frank, I really love it, everyone is so nice and welcoming, especially this one guy - Bert, he is in a lot of my classes, and he's become a really good friend." Gerard worried his lower lip in-between his teeth before continuing, his stomach twisting uncomfortably with nerves, not that Frank would ever be mad at him for this, but Gerard still felt slightly guilty for what he was about to tell him.

"He - he likes me Frank, _a lot_ apparently. We have been hanging out quite a bit lately, but the other day, we were painting outside, just messing around with a giant canvas and stuff, and...he _kissed_ me," Gerard sighed out, conflicting feelings running through his body as he remembered the kiss, because as nice as it had felt to have another pair of lips pressed against his, it had also seemed so _wrong_ , as if Gerard was betraying Frank's memory, even though he hadn't been the one to initiate contact.

"I freaked out on him, I literally broke down sobbing right there...it was so fucking embarrassing. I expected him to just take off, because honestly, why would anyone want to deal with a mess like me, but he _didn't_ Frank. He stayed there, he held me until I calmed down - _fuck_ , he wouldn't stop apologizing, and I actually ending up telling him all about you. I had mentioned you to him before, but I never told him you were dead...it still hurts a lot to say," Gerard sniffled softly, a few tears pouring down his face as he toyed with the stem of one of the marigolds, trying to calm himself down so he could continue.

"Bert was really understanding, he - he was so fucking sweet about it Frank. He explained that he didn't mean to force himself on me, and that he would never do anything like that again unless I wanted it. He promised that he would always care about me, but he wouldn't push me into anything, he said it was really special how I still loved you, and he swore he would always be my friend, no matter what."

Gerard had honestly been shocked at Bert's reaction, because he had no reason to put up with Gerard's unstable emotions, but his compassionate nature and kind words had shown Gerard just how much of an amazing person Bert was, and he almost wished he could return his affection, but it was just too soon, and Gerard knew he would simply be trying to replace Frank with Bert, which was something neither of them wanted or deserved.

"I know you wanted me to fall in love again Frank, but I _can't_ \- not yet anyway, but yeah...I just wanted you to know that."

Gerard stayed silent for a few more minutes, knowing that he had to wrap this up soon, the sun was setting rapidly, and Pete and Mikey were waiting for him in the car, they knew he needed this alone time with Frank, but they hadn't been willing to let him drive himself just yet.

"Oh - I forgot to tell you that I'm starting a new comic, it is about a lonely boy who lost someone very close to him, but he doesn't know that he is being watched by that person's ghost - sounds familiar huh?" Gerard chuckled softly to himself, running his hands over the grass absentmindedly.

"I really believe you are here with me Frank, even though most people think I'm crazy for it. Mikey keeps trying to tell me that I was just hallucinating because of the pills the first time, and everything else has just been wishful thinking, but I know you are real, and I hope you can see me now. I'm finally getting better Frank, and I'm _happy_ , as happy as I can be without you. I still miss you like hell, but I don't think that will ever change. My heart will always ache until I see you again, but I can wait, I'll wait forever for you."

Gerard shifted forward onto his knees, pressing his lips against the engraving of Frank's name quickly before standing up, his fingers trailing over the marble edge reluctantly as he backed away, brushing the grass from his jeans as he headed in the direction of the parking lot.

When Gerard reached the gates of the graveyard, he gazed toward Frank's final resting place one last time, the white tombstone only barely visible against the brilliant orange sky, and Gerard swore he could see a small figure perched atop the marker, and even though it was much too far for him to make out properly, he knew without a doubt that those lips he had kissed a thousand times before were mouthing a silent " _I love you_."


End file.
